What Human’s Do:Debunking the Gender Differences

I attended a round-table discussion the other night in which the focus of the discussion was about relationships and dating or as I like to call it “The Great Debate”. If anyone has ever participated in this type of event then you understand that it can get a little heated and a little personal during the discussion. Sometimes in these type of events, all the people participating most often leave the event thinking the same way that they entered the room thinking, not learning a new perspective. The goal as I see it should always be to learn something  that you didn’t know before you entered the room.

Hopefully the twenty something people who attended the round-table learned something new, I can’t speak on that but what I can speak on is what I learned after observing the different perspectives from each individual regarding dating and relationships. I’m an observer, I like to watch and listen to what people are saying before I make an assessment or personal judgement about the situation and what I learned after assessing the conversation that night was this; that the majority of the people sitting around that table were stuck in a perspective of “this is what men do” or “this is what women do” and this is why we are single.

I should point out that it wasn’t just the opposite sex speaking about the things that men do and women do, it were men and women saying these things about themselves, generalizing an entire gender. How fair is that? Whether it was someone stating “Women like to talk about things right then and there and men don’t” (as if men can’t be that way) or “that men are visual creatures and women are emotional creatures” (as if women can’t be that way) they (those who were speaking) continued to exist in what I feel is the root cause of the problem and that’s looking through the perspective that men and women are separate when in fact we are not.

Question, what’s the point of going to a round-table discussion or even a seminar if  you’re going to remove the eyes you always had only to  replace them with a new set of eyes but continue to see the same way? The goal, again, should always be to become more enlightened so that you can improve upon the situation that you no longer want to be part of but as I sat there and listened I realized that most of the individuals didn’t realize that they have accepted the separatism that has been thrown upon them.

Separatism-the advocacy or practice of separation of a certain group of people from a larger body on the basis of ethnicity, religion, or gender.

Many people have decided that gender separatism is okay when in fact it is not okay. Is racism okay? Is class-ism okay? Are there things that men do differently from women? Of course. Are there things that women do differently than men? Of course. But the things that both men and women need at our core are the same things. The things that we think the opposite sex does the same can be said about the other and you would be continuing to do yourself a disservice to keep believing otherwise. In order to have better relationships with one another, both men and women need to stop looking at it from a perspective of “what women do” and “what men do” and learn to understand that it’s “what human’s do”.

I too use to think from a standpoint of men vs women and that to understand a woman you need to think like a woman or for a woman to understand a man she needs to think like a man. But guess what? That’s not true! And I want to help you start looking at it from the human perspective instead of the woman’s perspective or the man’s perspective because the two issues between man and woman is gender separatism and improper communication.

I was talking to a friend about this and he said ” You know, you’re right, men and women may communicate differently but as long as we are getting the same answer then that’s what matters. If i ask two different people what numbers they need to add together to reach the number ten and one says eight plus two and another says 9 plus 1, they both are correct. It may have taken a different thought process but the result is still the same”

If you are trying to understand the other gender then you need to understand that properly communicating on each level is the key to a healthier relationship. Truth is however, that each individual will communicate differently. You have to learn and adapt to each person that comes into your life. One particular method of communication will not work for each person. We all have been shaped by our experiences and so we struggle to communicate in different areas of our lives, especially if there has been no one in our lives that have helped us learn to express ourselves effectively. Be mold-able  friends, always.

Gender separatism is probably causing the biggest divide between men and women. Healthy couples always speak of “being one”, that they finish each other sentences, that they are unified. That can’t happen when you continue to live in the belief system of separatism. Stop placing all your eggs in a book or speech that is telling you that men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Again, why aren’t we living on the same planet? That title alone is reinforcing separatism.  Are we separate or are we one?

“I stopped looking at relationships as “what women do” and “what men do” and started looking at relationships as “what human’s do and then I understood”. I said this quote the next day after attending the round-table discussion.  Let me explain what I mean. I recently became involved with a young woman who I’m in a relationship with, prior to that I had been single for almost four years. I too had the mentality of separatism and was having no success in trying to find a potential lover so I decided to take a hard look at my approach. It took me two years to understand it but I did.

I realized that as human beings, we all do the same things and we all need the same things that make a person and/or relationship feel worthy of our time. I asked myself what were the things that I need and then I asked myself if any of these things could be what a woman needs? Everything that I said needed and wanted I understood that so could a woman. Respect, communication, flexibility, sexual expression,patience, understanding, time, ambitions, hugs, kisses, quality time, and gifts to name a few  These are things that human’s want and do not just women, not just men. So everything that I wanted and needed I started to give to each woman I dated and I advise you to do the same.

Ask yourself, what is it that human’s do? Not what men do, not what women do. I also decided to start finding more reasons to be with someone instead of reason’s not to and I removed judgement of the situation. Stop judging other people and deciding it’s something bad because of an experience that molded you into who you are. These are the things I changed in my life and  in the last two years I became closer to being in a relationship than ever and now I am in one. I dated three women in two years and the last one has been successful as of the writing of this article.

I removed the poor communication, I removed the separatism, I removed judgement (as much as possible) and I removed the excuses as to why not and I’m encouraging you to do the same. Everything evolves friends, everything. Look at the universe and see how everything in it continues to evolve and change? So why aren’t you? Dating and relationships have evolved as well and you can either continue to say “men use to court” and “women use to call” and keep living in the past tense or you can be mold-able and evolve into what is happening now and bring a little (or a lot) of what you expect from the past into modern times. Stop allowing other people to dictate the reason’s why you are single or struggling in your relationship. Stop allowing other people to keep you separate from one another, stop allowing other people’s bad advice to continue to allow your current relationship to get further away from fixing. We are human;s  who happen to have been created slightly different in order to keep balance in relationships

You can continue to see genders in a separate state or you can choose to see it in a unified state but what I do know is, that only one of them leads to healthy, respectable relationships. If you want peace in all areas of your life (not only relationships) move beyond the man vs woman debate and move towards the human debate because the truth of matter is and the FACT of that matter is, that while we may look different and think different we all are 99.0% the same….don’t be controlled by the 1%

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Behind the Thin Dark Veil

“Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”
― Wayne W. Dyer

Imagine for a second that there is a veil over your face, not just any type of veil but a very dark veil that only allows light to come through depending on the angle in which you are looking through the veil. This veil is thin but not removable because of tradition and you walk the same path every day being led by someone or people in order to keep you from hurting yourself.  Every once and awhile you tilt your head towards the light so that you can see shapes and figures a little better. You think you know who is who, you think you know what is what based on your perception of what is real.

Imagine that you lived your entire life with this veil over your face and then one night you go to sleep and the next morning when you awake your veil has been removed. You then walk the same path by yourself WITHOUT that same veil. Do you think everything will look the same as before? Or  will your perception of reality be forever changed?

Seems drastic but this is how most of us see reality, from behind a thin dark veil. Our perception is often shaped by our own experiences in life and most continue to walk the same path each day without any new light being let in. Many people say “perception is reality” but I ask, is it the true reality of what is or is perception deception? Perception is defined as “a way of regarding, understanding, or interpreting something; a mental impression”

When someone does something that you like or dislike, your brain connects that action with a past “mental impression”,that then tells you how to react to the action being done or said. Yes, It’s possible that the person is identical to that past memory but it’s also possible that they are not. The only way to be certain that they are or are not is to remove the veil from your perspective and see it for what really is and vice versa.

The biggest reason for broken relationships(intimate and non-intimate) is improper understanding of reality, basically both people seeing life through their own thin dark veil. A truly at peace being will not only see it from their perspective but others as well. A truly at peace person will reach out and say “can we talk about this because I don’t understand”.

This same process can be used for all relationships, even in business relationships. A simple “I’m only seeing this one way but I want to understand” will give you and hopefully the other person a peaceful and understanding resolution. I recommend that you always try to see things from another perspective before  judging the situation in its entirety. Don’t let the damaged corner of a masterpiece affect the whole picture.

This thin dark veil exist in all areas of life. Think about it, what are some of the perceptions that the world would like you to believe is true?

  • That beautiful is skinny
  • That money makes you happy
  • That beautiful hair is straight hair and long hair
  • That God loves certain people more than other people
  • That marriage is for man and woman (because God said so)
  • That all men are cheaters
  • That all women are gold diggers
  • That some people should be more privileged than others
  • That the poor don’t want to work

These are just a few of the things that people have been led to believe as reality and unfortunately many are living their life behind a veil forced upon them. But like most things in our lives that hinder us, it’s all in the mind, a “mental impression” of what we think is absolute or reality “a thing that exists in fact, having previously only existed in one’s mind”. We can be better than the horse that think’s its trapped even though it’s only secured to a plastic chair.

When you find yourself in conflict with perception and reality, ask yourself a simple question. “Am I seeing the reality of the situation or am I seeing through the dark veil placed there by my mental impressions? In truth, the answer will always be that you are seeing it through your veil because that’s all that you can do until the conversation is had. Once that conversation is had or at least attempted all that you can do is accept it and find peace in it. It’s not about being right or wrong {because both people will feel that they are right} but instead finding the center where both people or all people feel understood.

Friends, it’s not about what we know {because we all are experts in our life} and it’s not about what we think we know, it’s about what we don’t know.  You don’t know why someone feels the way they do, you don’t know why people do what they do. and we may never know why the world operates the way that it does; but we can KNOW how to approach the situations that we are presented with. There can be peace in the unknown when we accept it with love and openness. Talk less, listen more and repeat until you understand or at least until your veil has been removed.

Here’s an interesting story about perception that I ran across today.

“I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I’d gotten the time of the train wrong. I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table. I want you to picture the scene. It’s very important that you get this very clear in your mind. Here’s the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There’s a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase. It didn’t look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There’s nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies. You know what would happen if this had been  Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know… But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn’t do anything, and thought, What am I going to do?

In the end I thought Nothing for it, I’ll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, That settled him. But it hadn’t because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie. Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice…” I mean, it doesn’t really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one,  he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away. Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back.

A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies. The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who’s had the same exact story, only he doesn’t have the punch line.”

That’s a funny story but it’s so very true about life. You never know what the situation is until you get down to the real answer. Instead of assuming and acting upon the assumption, we should simply ask the right questions to avoid the awkward situations. What has happened to sitting down and having a face to face without arguing? There is nothing wrong with disagreeing with each other; we all are different in one way or another. Its  not the differences that separate us, it is our thinking that we are right that does so. It is our reaction to the situation that either brings us closer or pushes us away.

Perception versus Reality, what do you really see behind the thin dark veil…..

  “The eye sees only what the mind is prepared to comprehend.”

― Robertson DaviesTempest-Tost

 

horse

 

Attraction based on thoughts and the acceptance of it.

Do we attract more than just opposites? We all know the saying that opposites attract but how do we attract the opposite of what we want or desire? Why would we want to and can we control it? It can’t simply be by our energy that we attract the opposite but then again maybe it is. But what if we attract by thought and energy? There are many books that exist that speak of such “thought provoking” ideas(the bible being one of them).  If this is true; that we attract our opposites (which it is) then that must also mean that we attract similar for we know if there is one on one end that it must be yet another on the other end. The ying and yang, the positive and negative, the good and the bad. It is what we call balance in our universe. Do me a favorable gesture, keep that in mind as you continue to read. Remember that you need balance to exist in peace.

What are we attracting in this life that we live? This life that you and I wake up everyday to be part of can be very challenging at times wouldn’t you agree? For some it may seem like the challenges are a daily problem and for others it is a daily opportunity to achieve new milestones, it really depends on your perspective (but this is also the case of life). Still; some of these challenges come in many different perspectives, scenarios and people.  None of which we typically can see or pay focused attention to until the right now moment.

In the ideal situation I’m sure that you and I would rather have the hindsight of seeing it coming; instead of being caught unsurprisingly surprised. To have an perfect understanding of the situation afterwards is a growth moment and it is true that hindsight is 20/20 and one could argue that foresight is spiritual death. But still, we would rather be able to see the future present in order to avoid the awkwardness of not having a clue of how to handle the situation in the present now. But I ask; where would the growth come from if we already knew what was predetermined? The irony in that is the fact that nothing is predetermined unless you remain focused on one particular option even when you realize it is a crash course on the hard knocks of life. (Many do this)

There is a saying that “Life just happens” but I ask you this! Does life just happen to you or do you happen to life? To be explained another way; do the things that has or have transpired in your life simply happened to you because it’s a “life” thing or do the things going on in your world exist because you are bringing it to you?

That’s a question that often is not asked and could change your life drastically if examined properly. I am not one to tell you what is a proper examination by any means but I am one who is willing to lend a new but old perspective answer.  Its an question of significant importance because if you decide that you happen to life then that means you are taking ownership of what you allow into your life and what you allow out of your life.

If you are going to continue take ownership of the fact that life happens to you then you are admitting that you have no control over the particular details happening right now! Lets be clear, there is nothing wrong with this perspective, in fact it works for many people; I would probably argue that this “perspective” is the way the majority of society lives life. Life just happens. But whats the balance with this? Where is the yang if that is the ying?

I’ve taken up a new spiritual living theory (new for me but old to our ancestors). I decided a few years ago to begin making anew. I decided I needed a new thought process that differed from what I grew up accepting. I decided that I wanted to be different from those around me and that I wanted be one of the spiritual beings that brought my being, to life’s happenings. What that meant was that I had to put responsibility onto myself for ALL that existed in my individual world not just some things. It meant that I had to accept the fact that while things may pretend to be what it is; it is rarely if ever how it has to be; meaning that I controlled EVERY direction of the outflow and inflow of “life happenings”.

This is not to say I am God or that you are God and it is definitely not to say that God does not help me or you; but it is to say that God only sends us what we send out of our being and what we send out of our being is an universal law of what we want. This thought process has begun to change my living, it has given me new breath and I am thankful for the open mind and clarity of this.  Can I tell you the hardest part about this clarity?

Its that when I look around at  my friends,  family and my loved ones who are currently struggling with “something”(and possibly for awhile) I am unable to get them out of the situation that they are in. I see their hurt, frustration and difficulty and yet I know that they truly can only get out of the hell they are in only by themselves. There is not an action that I can do or words that I can say that will pull them out of their daily challenge. And the same holds true for you and the ones you care mostly about.

What you can do however; is be a living example of what life can be. It is not merely by words that they will learn best, it is by your actions that will teach them most. But if your actions and situations are identical to theirs, what are you teaching one another? Who is teaching who and is it possible that the reason your history seems to be repeating itself is because it has never left in the first place? I encourage all of my readers to take responsibility of your life right now.

Understand this; your friends are your friends because you chose them. Your debt is your debt because you chose to add to it. Your abusive relationships exist because you have chosen to stay in that environment. Your unhappiness at work exists because you have allowed someone or something to flow into your being or because you have decided to stay there. Your re-occurring bad habits continue to exist because you fail to acknowledge them and to change them. Your unhappiness in the physical life directly mirrors your unhappiness in the spiritual. That is simply the truth, it is not God that is testing you, it is you who is testing you.

If there were ever such a test that God created for you it would be a test that measures your spiritual growth. And your spiritual growth can be a daily activity if you take ownership of the challenges standing still in your life. Why haven’t you grown? Is it outer or inner influence?

I believe that we attract all that we want and all that we don’t want with our continuous thoughts and its then with our infinite actions that bring our thoughts into a situational reality. Take control of all the actions and thoughts that presents itself. Actions take a plan and thoughts take meditational clarity. The things that are outside of our control we should learn to be at peace in regards to it and allow it to “be”; in order to allow it to pass by harmlessly to you and I. To do anything else would be to invite it into our peaceful place.

These are my thoughts for today and it may be the beginning of a new book. J  I hope you have enjoyed and may you be bringing all that you need to overcome your struggle.