Until Tomorrow

This is not a article about death, it’s a article about life and tonight I could close my eyes never to open them again. In fact, tomorrow could be the day that you’ll never see another updated status from me, another selfie from me or another comment from me and for some; just reading those words brings an uncomfortable feeling in them.

They love me and I love them and the thought of either of us no longer living is saddening; but this is a fact of life; death happens. Any of us within our next breath could cease to exist, which is why I do my best to live my life my way.

And my way is often not accepted by many, and my way often leaves me treading a path that I forge alone and my way often gets people looking at me crazy but my way has brought me the most happiness. For awhile there in my 20’s I was certainly living standards created by other people but pretending that it was my own beat that I was drumming to. I was unhappy, I was confused, I was self conscious, I was a black man unsure of his place in his very own world. I saw the box they placed me in and I called it home. I had 4 walls and a ceiling and that box was big enough for me…….until it wasn’t.

Luckily for me I had my ‘ah ha” moment in my mid 20’s and decided that I would no longer give a damn what other people thought about the man I was and the man I was creating myself to be. I wanted to stand out from the crowd, I wanted to give a different energy when I walked into the room and I wanted to be different. So I stepped outside of that box because I needed a new space, I needed new air, I needed a bigger box, I needed to fly.

And so, here I am, a different type of human being who views life with a very open and accepting perspective. So open and accepting that those who cling to societal norms of masculinity have tried to dictate my masculinity.

Why? Because in me are traits that have been associated with femininity for ages. I show my emotions, I speak my feelings, I dress different, I have gay friends, I support LGBTQ people, I take care of my looks, I sometimes cry when I see something empathetic or caring, I’m comfortable in spaces that aren’t heavy in masculine energy (to a certain degree), I’m not often aggressive and of course I don’t carry Alpha energy 24/7.

Truth is though, all I’ve ever been attracted to is pleasing women, loving women and the woman body. It just so happens that I’m also attracted to being a outspoken, confident, balanced emotional human male and that’s different, especially for a heterosexual black male in a hyper-masculine ego driven society.

Its popular for people to say to think outside the box or to don’t live inside your box but the truth is that if we look at the totality of our human life; we absolutely live inside the box we’ve created or inside the box others created for us and we never challenge the items that exist in the box. We just go, “oh here’s my life box, I’ll just have to make this work”. The truth is though, the content inside the box is often placed inside that space before we even stepped foot inside of it. And then once we’re existing in that space and identify the content that the world is telling us is us we just accept it without throwing any of it out.

We all live inside a box and some of us have expanded the boxes dimensions in order to be able to experience more things while living here on earth and some of us have not. Honestly, I’m not necessarily saying its better to have a bigger box to live in than a smaller box, especially if everything in said box is everyone else’s beliefs and not your own but if I had a choice (which I do) between less space to be breathe and more space to be breathe; then I’m going to choose the bigger box every time.

This is where I’ve been existing at least the last 8 years of my life for sure; inside a bigger box, filled with the thoughts, feelings, emotions, life experiences and beliefs of my own. Now, it would be mighty egotistical of me to think that inside my box I have nothing learned from others living within my space. Of course I have the opinions and beliefs of my friends, family and those who came before me in my box, I’m just explaining that I created a bigger space, newer dimensions for me and it to exist in.

But tomorrow all that could be gone and honestly, one year from now I could be nothing more than a afterthought, nothing more than a memory in someone’s Facebook memories and that’s why today I live for not who I want to be but for who I need to be. And I don’t waver on that; which makes people who don’t know me misconstrue who I am.

But we should not waver if we love who we truly are! Because what’s the point in living at all if we die living someone else’s life? What’s the point in breathing at all if we die having had to depend on someone else’s breath? What’s the point in existing in this space if all we’re going to do is conform in order to fit in? That’s not living, that’s death! That’s not growing that’s shrinking! Our lights in our house should not have to be dimmed in order to increase the shine in your friends.

“So many people live their lives not knowing the real and exact reasons why they live. They follow anything for something and they do something for anything. When you live life with a blurry vision, you live a blurry life. Vision is life, and a life without vision is a dead life” –Ernest Agyemang Yeboah said

What’s the vision you have for your life? Are you living life and creating life? Are you creating a bigger space for you and those watching you? How big is the box that you’re currently living in? What content was already in your box when you stepped inside of it? So many questions, so many decisions, so many indecision’s and yet; you could be gone tomorrow. Laticia Dezelle said “Don’t be so stuck in a situation or feeling that when the tide turns you can’t see the transformation or manifestation. The caterpillar eventually turns into a butterfly.

Its true that our lives are often very much like the caterpillar. We move slow through life trying to experience what we can but before you know it we’re stuck in our very own cocoon(box). We’re stuck in our cocoon, unable to move, unable to get to our destination, clinging dangerously on the flimsy limb where one gust of the east wind would end our lives. Some of us never make it out of the cocoon, we give up before the metamorphosis, thinking this is how life must be.

It’s not until we explode out of the cocoon that we become the butterfly and fly away. So don’t you see? There’s more to experience once you get outside of the cocoon/box you’re living in. Examine what has filled your space, analyze what has been holding you back from your transformation, identify what is filled in your box.

My box is filled with sexual freedom, spiritual growth, professional growth, self-help awareness, wisdom, porn, dirty thoughts, freaky thoughts, God, Science, nature, friends, family, personal beliefs, food porn, healthy living, understanding, communication, world knowledge, black history, black future, black present, American history, world history, loving people, personal growth, human psyche just to name a few. I’ve removed many things and I’ve added controversial things but if tomorrow I’m no more I know what they won’t say.

They won’t say I didn’t live my way, they won’t say I didn’t love people, they won’t say that I didn’t try to change lives, they won’t say I didn’t try to save lives, they won’t say that I didn’t treat people the way I wanted to be treated, they won’t say that I didn’t try to be a inspiration, they won’t say Jay lived a lame life and they won’t say that I didn’t try to be the best version of myself.
Tomorrow I may be gone and they might say Jay was an acquired taste but truth be told at the end of the day……I’m okay with that.

Earnestly, I don’t think about death much anymore, in fact I spend most of my time thinking about how to live more. I can’t control death; I just know that I feel as if I’m living my last days as a butterfly. I feel as if I’m breaking down my walls, living in spaces I never dreamed of before and I honestly can’t see the walls to the box I’m flying in but I know they exist. Yes I know, butterflies don’t live very long but at least they take flight before its all said and done. I’m not a butterfly collector, I don’t pin butterflies down in a box. I’m a butterfly, I spread my wings and I go. I just wish more people would fly with me.

Until Tomorrow,
Jay Noetic

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I’m Different

2 Chainz voice- “I’m different yeah I’m different, I’m different yeah I’m different” and while I’ve never pulled up to the scene with my ceiling missing I do have my middle finger up to my competition….or those who see my difference and whisper.

Metaphorically speaking I exist in a place socially that’s similar to a flower living deep within a rain forest. It’s hard to find, hard to understand how it exist among the tall trees that block its sun and even rarer to be surrounded by other like-minded flowers. This is where I am, perfectly fine looking up at the trees, existing mostly in my plot of soil and giving oxygen and life to those who happen to stumble across where I exist. I grow here, I live here and I drop seeds here to help continue the cycle before my time has passed. I can only hope that my presence in this forest helps push the male evolution forward.

I’m a heterosexual black male but I’m different from what society accepts as such. Truth is, I’ve never felt like I fit in with any particular demographic but it wasn’t from a lack of trying. Growing up and into my adult life I was cool but never cool enough, I was nerdy but not nerdy enough. I’ve been sexy but not sexy enough and I’ve been ugly but not ugly enough.

I’ve tried to be the Alpha male, I’ve tried to be the hardcore guy, I’ve tried to be the type of black man society says I should be. Honestly, I’ve tried to be homophobic, I’ve tried to be sexist, I’ve tried being a male hoe, I’ve tried being the good Christian guy, I’ve tried believing in the philosophy that women are lesser than men and I’ve tried being the token black guy. And you know what? Fuck that shit, it’s NOT ME.

Though I’m a proud black man who believes in black love, black families and loving black women I’ve often been told by other black people that I’m not black enough because of the way I speak or the way I carry myself. I’ve had white friends think that they’re more black than me because they wear a hat backwards and talk with slang that they’re more black than me. A failed belief that what you wear makes you something else other than what you actually are.

It’s been this way since I was a teenager and obviously because of the color of my skin I never really felt or feel I fit in with my white friends completely because even though they say they didn’t see color, they definitely saw my brown skin and see my brown skin and to a certain extent, judge me based on that. I’ve always felt like an outsider no matter how much I tried to fit in to society and that continues even today.

Maybe part of that is my fault because even though I’m naturally inquisitive about human beings and am always loving, respectful and friendly to those who’s lives I come across I don’t really let most people into my life and into my circle. I also don’t talk much about what’s going in my life and so when people don’t know you and don’t know what you’re doing, those who want to know are left to make up their own stories and beliefs about you . Which if we’re being honest is mostly based on whispers and lies that other people have told.

I’m different and even though I’ve always felt like an outsider for the majority of my entire life mostly everyone that knows me; loves being around me. It’s funny that someone like myself who often sits back and people watches at events is one of the most popular guys. I’m not trying to boost my own ego or toot my own horn but those who know me always want to be around me or says how cool as fuck Jay is. They love me, they respect me and they likely won’t say a bad word about me but they will say they “don’t know” and they’re likely to say “there’s something different about Jay” or that “I don’t know” whats up with him when people ask.

But who they see and get to be around is me and they do know MOST of me but because I don’t fit into any societal description of male structure of what they’ve been taught to think about a strong black male they refuse to accept me as it is and as I am. Who am I?

I have gay friends, I tell other men in my life that I love them, I compliment other men on their style and I hug other men because I truly believe that the world doesn’t tell men enough that they care for them and I know for a fact that men don’t tell other men they have brotherly love for them. I’m all about the empowerment of people but as a black man I’m definitely about the empowerment of black men and these actions are not always accepted as manly; which if you ask me is pretty ridiculous. To think that women are the only demographic that needs to hear and feel words of encouragement and love is to think that men are unemotional.

As I stated I’m a emotionally balanced guy, I dress fairly well, I keep my physical appearance nice, I get my feet done, I’m not homophobic, I support the LGBT community, I cry sometimes, I’m in touch with my emotions, I’m not aggressive with women, I openly admit that I don’t always have the most confidence and I don’t yell when I’m having a disagreement.

I’m transparent with my life beliefs, I’m not a religious person, I believe women can be sexually free as men, I’m sexually open with the women I sleep with, I talk mostly proper, I’m quiet but strongly opinionated, I stand strong in my core beliefs, I’m intelligent, I’m genuinely a nice guy, I do things that black people “aren’t supposed to do” and I’m metrosexual. All of these things mentioned makes certain types of people,in certain types of demographics uncomfortable and though they’ll never admit it publicly they know they need to do better at expanding the life they know and live.

All of this isn’t “supposed” to be included in one man, especially a straight black man but this is part of who I am and this who I give to people every day, every get together and every person who really wants to know me. But I wasn’t always this guy and I get why it confuses people and why some people confuse this type of male with being gay, ESPECIALLY when they don’t know any. Everything they’ve learned has taught them that men think a certain way and that men act a certain way.

I was taught this too and it’s part of why it took me so long to be comfortable in my own skin. It’s part of why the majority of you aren’t comfortable with men capable of balancing the masculine with the small percentage of their feminine side. In truth we all (men and women) have them both but we suppress them because it’s “not what men do” or it’s not ” what women do”. Did you know that men and women practically have about 20,000 genes alike? And the only major difference is that men have X and Y chromosomes and women have two X chromosomes? Read more The Difference Between Men and Women

It’s not easy breaking from what you’ve been taught and I was confused about who I was as well for a while in my 20’s but I’m 100% certain that this is who I am and I love it. I love the skin that I’m in, I love the man that I am and I love the man I’ve become even if it makes me feel like I don’t fit in. Anyone that truly knows me knows that I don’t want to fit the mold of anything. Not even for myself. I want to always break the mold and challenge myself to be greater than the person I was a decade ago.

Still; it doesn’t stop the frustration from building up when you catch wind of what people say about you. Even in a spiritually conscious person who knows not to place value in the words of people who don’t matter to you such as myself, it can still create energy within you that frustrates you. Trust these next words; I’ve learned that there’s no amount of women you can sleep with and brag about sleeping with that will stop people from believing what they want if your lifestyle is different from theirs.

Similarly there’s nothing you can do to change the opinion someone has of you if they don’t really want to change their opinion of you. That’s why it’s important for all of us to live our best life right now while we still can. I know that someone somewhere needs to read the words written in this article and when they do they’ll begin to stop hiding who they really are once they finish reading this. And someone somewhere who has a negative perspective about men similar to myself will read this article and realize that they need to do better on their perspective of what real men are.

There’s nothing wrong with being the norm and there’s nothing wrong with being different. Things just are the way they are and it’s up to us to stop trying to put everyone into the same criteria that we’ve placed our friends and ourselves in to. So please; stop trying to justify what people are based on your own experiences and to the reader who’s different and unsure about whether or not they should conform? DON’T!

Ralph Waldo Emerson said “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment” and Maya Angelo said “If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be”and I’m saying the greatest thing you’ll ever want to be is the person unafraid to see their life’s contradictions and work tirelessly to become aligned with their soul.

I’m different and that’s more than okay and maybe in my next life I’ll be a mahogany tree that catches all the sunshine and who’s bark is as hard to the touch as my soul but until that rebirth I’m perfectly fine being a black flower blooming majesticly as fuck….