Whispers from Strangers

Those who don’t know you don’t get you and those who don’t get you are likely strangers living vicariously through you. They’re strangers to actually knowing who you are, what you’re about and how you’re trying to live your life and I can say this with absolute confidence because anyone who’s a true friend of yours or someone who’s opinion you value will know exactly the type of person you are. Strangers who know not who you are should have very little impact (if any at all) on how you feel about yourself but sometimes the words of others that you hear through the grapevine can cut deep if you allow it.

The unfortunate truth about people is that when you keep your business and lifestyle private to everyone except those in your circle/family then those on the outside are forced to create their own story-line about who you are, what you do and how you think. They take the little bit that they do know, the little they did know and combine it with the whispers from strangers to build their own version of you to fit the narrative they have of you.

This is most often created in a way to make themselves feel elevated above you because who you appear to be makes them uncomfortable and the only way to feel comfortable again is to create a version of you that’s opposite of their own beliefs and lifestyle. Nine times out of ten the version of you that exist in their mind is slightly negative in one way or another. It’s not right, it’s not fair but such is life, this is what strangers do.

Truthfully, sometimes people who were once in your circle and are now in new circles but still interact with parts of your circle contribute to the false narrative as well because they assume they still know you and it’s only natural to be bothered by what you’ve heard them say when you catch wind of it. Most often your first few thoughts are; “how could they say that” and “they know that’s not me” or quite simply it makes you feel “some type of way” about it.

I’m here to tell you that their thoughts, opinions and false narrative about who you are don’t matter (insert hand claps >>>>>)..point….blank….period. They don’t matter and they’re on the outside looking in for many reasons and the only way they can get inside of you is by you allowing them in. Do you choose to give them control over you?

I’ve been there before; I’ve been the person trying to convince people who don’t know me to understand me. I’ve been the person trying to keep people on the inside who deserve to be on the outside . I’ve been the person who’s caught wind of the whispers of strangers and let it affect me. I’ve been the person on the receiving end of a text message from someone you once called a friend and being in shock by what you just read wanting to go the fuck off on them.

Listen, it’s not worth your time, it’s not worth your frustration and it’s certainly not worth the high blood pressure that’s associated with the bullshit that comes along with trying to fix it. Socrates once said “Strong minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people” so unless you think Socrates is a idiot why would you want to waste your time with weak-minded people who just want to discuss what they think they know about your character?

“Insecure people only eclipse your sun because they’re jealous of your daylight and tired of their dark, starless nights.”
Shannon L. Alder

Let the whispers that you hear from strangers fall on deaf ears and let the strangers that whisper; sleep on the bed of lies that put crooks in their backs. The misaligned can’t be aligned with authenticity. So just continue to remain true to yourself and keep pushing forward in the life you’re living but never allow false information to ruin your vibe, your frequency and your energy.

More importantly however is that you don’t contribute to the whispers about someone else that you really don’t know. Don’t be what frustrates you; in fact, be better than that and either shut down the false narrative being created or step away from the conversation. If they who are talking ask you why you did that? Just tell them you don’t participate in the tearing down of someone’s character.

grapevine

Understand; I’m not trying to be obtuse to how you might feel about the words that you might hear about your false self from someone speaking inaccurate information but if you know those words hold no merit then you don’t have to grin and bear it. Furthermore, if a person doesn’t have the desire to get to know the true you or re-acquaint themselves with you after a shift in the friendship then you don’t have to pretend to care and you don’t have to be the one to reach out to figure out what’s going on. Move on in love until the alignment occurs.

Now, if the whispers are cutting deep because they hold some truths and not because a stranger said it then instead of getting angry with the people who’ve said it; get aligned with yourself and work on those issues. The worst kind of person to be is the kind of person who doesn’t fix the very flaws they themselves see everyday but are quick to call out others. Look, I’m typically not a bible person but somewhere in the bible there’s a passage that translates to don’t be a hypocrite! First remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye. Regardless of the belief that’s some real information.

I write these words for anyone feeling isolated in their friendships and networks. I write these words for anyone trying to find their place in the relationships that they have yet to figure out. I write these words for anyone angry, sad and frustrated by the whispers of strangers. I write these words for anyone wanting to pull back from their goal of doing things differently this year and onward. Don’t you quit, don’t you retreat, don’t you put up your walls just because someone doesn’t get you, doesn’t appreciate you or doesn’t fucks with you.

Everyone isn’t going to like you just like everyone doesn’t like me. People have preconceived notions about who I am and they’ve never had one face to face conversation with me. That’s what people do and if I stopped being authentic just because of those people then the people I really care about will suffer and so will yours. I leave you with this. Bill Cosby will never be looked at the same again due to the rape allegations (whether true or not) but one thing I’ll never forget about him were these words he said. “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” So why care about the whispers of strangers? Let go and elevate.

“They asked what we were most afraid of. Some said they were afraid of dying and I said dying afraid”-Jay Noetic

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An Equation that I do not Know

A lot has  been happening in my life since the end of 2015 that has drastically altered my world. As some of you have probably noticed I barely come to this place anymore. I imagine that if untouched blogs could resemble real life things then my blog resembles a old house that looks good on the outside but shows no sign of life on the inside. No touch-ups, no clean- ups, just an abandoned building filled with memories and cobwebs.

The truth is,I’ve seen to have lost faith in my own sound thoughts and words. I use to come here unafraid to write how I felt about my world but now I come here in random attempts to write but only to delete what was started because I worry  more that every word that I write will be severely analyzed and dissected or that I will offend someone close to me than I do about my own sanity or peace.

I don’t know how I got to this point but I find myself talking less, writing less,doing social media less and if I have to be honest, living less. The question I find myself asking is, am I depressed? The answer? No. No I’m not depressed but I am exhausted. I’m exhausted mentally, physically, socially, financially and relationally.  I’m existing in an equation that I know not the solution and am searching desperately for the answer.

I can’t do what I normally do and just “do my own thing” and come back re-energized. (Though I do believe that people need to be able to breathe away from everything from time to time) Doing my own thing is not a solution and it shouldn’t be for you either when you’re dealing with people you love and/or are in love with but know that part of the reason you feel exhausted is because of them. This isn’t a reflection of them in a negative light but building friendships, relationships and lifeships with people will exhaust you because it requires work and this doesn’t even include dealing with your very own direct life goals and struggles.

December 2015 I began a relationship with a beautiful, accepting woman. I committed myself to trying to be the best version of myself possible for her and all of life that was part of her world. Nine months later we’re still together but I’m exhausted and for the first time since being with her I’ve started questioning whether or not I’m what she needs or if I can be what she needs consistently.

February 2016 I applied for a new position within the company I work for that I felt qualified for and was not given. Financially I’m barely making it and to make matters worse I found out recently that one of the people I interviewed with has a racist perspective against people who look like me. Three and half years and I’m exhausted and I’ve been wondering all year if this company is what I need.

March 2016 I moved my mom into my place. She needed a break from the life she was living. She needed help out of the situation she was having to deal with. I couldn’t help her financially but I did have an extra bedroom that wasn’t being used. No one else was offering to help her so I helped where I could. The goal was to help her start over fresh and she would stay with me until she found a job. Not from a lack of trying she’s still unemployed.

July 2016 I moved my 2nd oldest nephew in with me so that he could have a fresh start or at the very least get a head start on his life down here in Florida until his mom moves here. I only asked for one thing in return. Help your grandma around the place and get enrolled in school.

Normally my place of solitude is to just relax in my own place but as you can see, my place is no longer my place (by my own doing) but that’s what you do for people you care about. I spend 3 to 4 days a week with my girlfriend at her mom’s place and did I mention she has a six year old son? There is very little me time, very little “our” time and who am I to complain about the lack of time given that I made these decisions to commit to. To be the best version of myself for all of them but I’m exhausted and starting to think that maybe I’m not the man they need.

Socially, everyone seems angry and upset and if I could close all my social media accounts I would but because I’m a independent author I understand that social media is free advertising for me (for the most part). I have a few questions.  Where are all the happy people? Where are all the people who want to spread love and togetherness? I don’t enjoy social media anymore and I know my brand is suffering because of it but I’m tired of seeing video’s of another black person being shot and killed.  I’m tired of seeing and feeling like the world is falling apart. I’m exhausted.

Oh, let’s talk about me being a writer. My laptop and tablet got stolen a few weeks ago so now I can’t even finish writing book number 2. I borrowed money In January to buy a $500.00 laptop and now it’s gone. So not only do I not have a space for “time” I don’t have a way to write even if I had the desire to consistently do so.

Physically? I’ve been gaining weight the last 3 years and it won’t stop no matter what I do. I told my doctor about my concerns the very first year and now 30 pounds and 3 years later he finally admits 2 weeks ago that my thyroid is not giving off the levels it should be to sustain a healthy metabolism. There is nothing more frustrating than putting in the work and seeing no results.Trust me, no one wants to run in place while others who do less than you continues to move past you. It’s exhausting.

Relationally, my friendships are suffering and I feel like everyone is too busy to reach out and see what’s going on. Maybe they feel I’m too busy as well but I miss my friends as well and wish we would do more things together but not always out in public spending money. I don’t know how or where to fit them in but truthfully, other than playing my ps4 I don’t seem to have much time for anything else but yet I know I do but where is it?

I think I’m overwhelmed and the solution to the equation would seem to be to find time and space for yourself but how does one do that and not disappoint those who are heavily invested in your life? How does one do that when all you want to do is just be but have no place or space to do so?

I’ve tried to balance it all, I’ve tried to be understanding and I’ve tried to see it from different perspectives. I know that I’ve been giving it 100% and yet it doesn’t feel good enough, I don’t feel good enough and that’s exhausting because I know I am but here I am questioning where I went wrong and how to get on top.

I guess the fact that I’m even writing this is a good step but I’m only writing this because I’m out of solutions, suggestions and ideas. I’m only writing this because I’m hoping my voice comes back to me through this. 2016 has not been a bad year but it has been a year of struggles but I am growing so I guess there’s that. Many relationships and things have declined because of  my exhaustion and for the first time in a very long time I’m questioning whether or not I have what it takes to hold it all together. So many more words I could write and I’ve never been afraid to write or post so I wrote this and I posted it….so be it. #stepintherightdirection

 

Signs that you’re burned out Burnout

“It was hell to be so tired, and still care.”
Lois McMaster Bujold, Shards of Honour

 

 

 

 

 

 

Modern Day Dating: Pedigree Men vs Degree Men

Ladies, could it be time to think differently about the men that you do or don’t date? Do you only date inside your race? Do you only date men with the same religious faith as you? Do you only date men who resemble the “image” you’ve had in your mind since you were twenty-one? Do you tend to only take serious the men with a college degree?  Do you prefer the pedigree or the degree? The obvious answer is that you want both right? The pedigree and the degree but growing statistics are starting to show that women our now out pacing men when it comes to achieving higher educations and degree’s. Which means ladies that you’re much more likely to come across a man who doesn’t have a degree versus a man who does have a degree.

Now, don’t get me wrong. You need preferences for what you desire in your partner (e.g. attractive, fit, intelligent, caring,confident, good lover) but maybe it’s time to start dating outside your comfort zone in regards to other areas because unfortunately if you don’t, the current parameters that you date within will continue to get smaller and smaller. Honest question, how many times can a person pick from the same small crop that’s not being repopulated before the crop no longer exist? When I ask single women if they believe in love they always say “yes”. When I ask these same individuals what love looks like in their partner they most often begin listing, height, weight, job, degree, religion, good credit, 401k, nice car, nice house, within 100 miles distant etc.

Now, I understand that women aren’t the only human’s who do this, men do this as well but we (as I am a man) tend to be a little more lackadaisical with our girlfriend, wife requirements (it’s true ask any man). Look, there are 7.2 billion people in the world and your life partner could be anywhere in the world waiting for you two to connect. But what you technically have done when you begin listing “the requirements”  is  that you’ve now cut that number drastically and almost by all accounts, so drastically that it’s almost impossible for a single woman to be successful with. Truthfully speaking, you (if you’re a single woman) can probably attest to the fact that you and all your girlfriends are dating from within the same small parameters that has been set (the ideal image). This is why you most often hear women say “there aren’t any good men here where I live, I need to move”.

A few days ago, I asked a very simple question on my face-book page in regards to this Surplus of women article in the business insider that I stumbled across thanks to a friend. In this said article about dating the author referenced how more evidence is pointing to the fact that women truly do have a more difficult time in the modern-day dating world than men. I simply asked True or False? in regards to this statement.“In other words, if women with a college education were more open to dating men without one, it would improve their odds of finding a date.

I must be honest with you reader that I ASSUMED and EXPECTED that their would be backlash in regards to this statement and that I’d have to put my foot down, pump my chest up and show these women who the real men were.(I kid I kid). I’m not naive and I understand that I was likely viewing the assumption and expectation through the lens that I see life. I did this because, yes, I’m a man without a college degree and honestly feel like there has been many times that I’ve been overlooked because of this fact. So I waited to see what the responses would be and I was pleasantly surprised by the comments from the ladies. Here are a few below and we’ll pick  back up after the last one

  1. “My best dates seem to be the ones with cool guys who don’t have a degree, Life has been their teacher and their heads aren’t big because they earned a piece of paper from some University” A. Yamoah
  2. “I have 2 degrees, my bf has 0. I’ve dated both in the past but mostly men with 2 degrees also. I personally would not exclude someone without a degree simply because they don’t have one. Your level of education has 0 indication of your personality and the quality of mate you will be in a relationship. Do you need to have a career? Yes, but you don’t necessarily need a degree to have a career and good job. It helps of course.” T. Renee
  3. “A college degree does not make a person. It doesn’t make you a better person nor does it make one less or more appealing, in my opinion. I dated a doctor once years ago. He was so hung up on money & material things. It was so unattractive. You just be YOU & the right one will come along. A silly piece of paper shouldn’t matter at all”. S. Hein
  4. “I’ve experienced both sides of “no degree dates” 1 who I was with long term who was kind, extremely intelligent and comfortable in his own skin so it made things flow and another who was so arrogant it made me uncomfortable. I used to really care about the degrees. I no longer do. I look at other qualities.” D. Ash
  5. “I am well educated and respect a man who puts in the same effort to be educated as there is a proven correlation between education and higher income. I respect a provider of the family and an educated man has a better chance of being able to provide. With that being said I dated entrepreneurs without a degree that provided even more than those with a degree.” G. Dobson
  6. “I have 2 degrees, working on a 3rd and I could care less about dating a guy with a degree. As long as he’s happy with what he does and he works to improve himself, it doesn’t matter about that piece of paper” S. Smith
  7. “I don’t have a degree, but I helped support my husband (boyfriend at the time) by working full-time so we could still earn a living and have a home – we’re paying off his student loans now, and his degree has nothing to do with the first “adult” job he was finally able to find, lol. I think as long as he/she works hard, is passionate, and gets the bills paid, that’s good enough for me. I will say, with no degree, I’m earning more…That’s always a joke at our house” E. Ritter
  8. “I could care less if he has a degree. As long as he has a good heart & is a good person, and is doing good in life either with a decent job or an entrepreneur. As long as he has enough money to enjoy life with me” M. Rodriguez

Astonishing! There might be hope for men and women yet (especially me). Either I know how to choose my friends wisely  or when 8 out of 10 women feel this way it must mean that more women are open to it as well. Understandably there were some debates about some of the comments (e.g. silly piece of paper) but every woman that commented believed that they do far better dating a man with great qualities over a great degree. Are you willing to date a guy with great pedigree over a great degree? Are you willing to take a chance on a man who doesn’t have the same level of education as yourself? Will you be willing to start dating against the image?

I’ve always believed that a person’s character and work ethic should take the #1 and #2 spots when listing character traits that are non physical in a partner. How someone treats you and how hard someone works can’t be measured by a graph, by a degree or by a survey. These two traits should be what you look for in a life partner first and let the rest fall into place or out of place. This isn’t to say that there aren’t good men out there with degrees because there clearly are but your chances of finding this man that not only has his degree but is also a great match for you is harder than ever.

And since none of us are getting any younger, I highly encourage the single women out there to give the man without a degree a chance for your love. A man without a degree doesn’t mean he is unintelligent, non-attractive, unable to dress and poor. It just means he likely didn’t have the same opportunities or the same desire to pursue the college degree and there is nothing wrong with that. What’s for one person isn’t always for another.  What someone else eats doesn’t make you use the bathroom. If you desire to increase your odds of  finding love  ladies then I think the next time you come across a brother who doesn’t have a degree but the highest pedigree that you take a chance on him. You just might find love!

When you understand that dating is a numbers game, meaning, the more people you place in front of you the better your chances of finding love is, then it also makes sense to expand your criteria in order to find love because now more guys are available for you. I know it’s not sexy to look at dating like that but it’s the cold hard facts ladies. I know many women who have found love in the last year or so who told me that the guy they are dating now and are happy with was not the type of guy they would have normally dated. These aren’t my words ladies, these are the words of your fellow sisters.

Single Ladies, what do you think? Tell me about your experiences with degree vs non-degree men and whether or not you’ll start dating the men who don’t have one.

Rebel for A Cause

A closed fist is THE universal symbol that someone is angry and ready to fight. A closed fist in the air is THE universal signal that someone is ready to fight for their cause. When more than one person accumulates in one place with closed fist and hands in the air it is THE universal sign that a rebellion is taking place.

I don’t see myself as a rebel but I raise my closed fist for my cause. I’m not a freedom fighter, I’m not an insurgent  nor am I a revolutionist. I don’t rise in opposition against established governments and I do not resist authority. I trust that for the most part those who have authority are doing the best that they can in an extremely challenging and evolving world. As naive as it may be I see the best in each and every human being that exist. It’s a fact that we are who we are based on the experiences that shaped us as we grew. I do not judge people for the human greed that often overtake those who set out with the intentions of changing the world in a positive way.

It’s important to understand that we are human beings that will certainly make many decisions that aren’t ideal here and there. I stand firm that I’m not a rebel but in a sense I am a rebel by some definitions of the word.  I do revolt against things that try keep my desire for growth locked inside a box. And yes, while some boxes may hold valuable items of information; any type of box  that does not help me understand the complexity of life holds no value. I ask, what’s the point of being placed inside a box if you can’t carry me where I desire to go?

Yes, by definition I “show or feel repugnance for or resistance to something” But by this definition aren’t we all rebels? Aren’t you a rebel if racism makes you feel disgusted and you fight against it? Aren’t you a rebel if you believe that marriage is for the existence of heterosexual people only and you fight against allowing gay marriage? Aren’t you a rebel if you fight against any religious information that is not of your belief? Aren’t you a rebel if you fight for equal rights?

The word rebel has taken on a negative connotation for many different reasons but by this definition we all are rebels fighting for our cause. Be aware that rebels fighting in the middle east and other countries for their right to believe in their own system is not the only type of rebellion that exist. I for one yearn for and fight for a spiritual revolution.

We all fight for what we believe and we all push back against things that contradict that belief, especially if we feel that some things should not be forced upon us. I happen to fight against two main things in life; spiritual bondage and life entrapment. We as spiritual  human beings should be able to explore all the possibilities that exist in life without blow back from those who dare not venture into the unknown. We should also be free to challenge any form of regulations that clearly benefits the few instead of the many. If you can’t fight for the latter then you have given in to the oppression that keeps us divided instead of united.

If you look back through human history you will find many rebels. Do you think it’s a coincidence that almost every individual labeled a rebel was someone who lived in either poverty or captivity? Or was someone who fought against discrimination?  Let me name a few for you

  • Spartacus- notable leader of the slaves in the Third Servile War
  • Zhu Yuanzhang, aka-Taizu-born in a poor village as the oldest of seven children, he joined a rebel army, became emperor and established The Ming Dynasty
  • Pancho Villa-born as the oldest son in a poor peasant family
  • Harriet Tubman– Born into slavery
  • Nat Turner– Born into slavery
  • Che Guevara-Argentine physician and revolutionary who played a key role in the Cuban Revolution, traveled south america and saw the poverty and wanted to change it.
  • Mahatma Gandhi- was a lawyer who fought against British Government in an effort to seek Indian independence

This list could go on for so long that you would grow weary of reading it. The point I’m making is that rebels are only labeled rebels because they fight against things that should be every human right to have. It doesn’t matter the race or religion; what matters is the cause. And as long as there are people who want to limit what you need to have and know they will try to label you, them and I as people who like to rebel just because. But the truth is, every rebel has a true cause, it’s just a matter of whether or not you can relate to it.

If I must be labeled because of my beliefs then yes; I’m a rebel for spiritual freedom and expression. I’m a rebel for life exploration and I’m a rebel for limitless information that will benefit the masses. I’m not trying to start a war but I can understand why so many do when they are tired of being oppressed by someone else’s belief, rules and regulations. Especially when they do not benefit the people who need help the most. You too are a rebel for a cause; maybe it’s white supremacy or women’s equal rights or it’s being an advocate for equal adoption rights. No matter the cause it’s a cause you feel is worth fighting for and that makes you a rebel by definition.

Truth be told, I don’t like being told what to do and how to do it because “you say so’. That doesn’t work for me and it never has. It stopped working for me when I was a teenager and because of it I began rebelling against the rules my mom set for the house. I never truly learned anything when I was forced to learn something that someone else deemed important. I only began to truly learn when I was allowed to search for the answers by myself. This is likely the one thing that I still maintain in my life as an adult that I did as a teenager.

This rule remains true for kids and adults; when you tell someone what they can’t do you can be rest assured that they are going to go out and do it if they are curious about it anyway. No one likes being told what they can and can’t do, no one likes being placed into a box, no one likes having their back pushed up against the wall. When people feel oppressed they push back and they fight back. This is happening all over the world and while I disagree with the brutal murders that are happening across our beloved planet  I can understand why riots and protest are happening. And if you can’t, then you are failing to relate to the cause that is almost always a cause for some form of equality and/or freedom. How can you not be a rebel for that cause?

I fight to help all of you grow more in all areas of your life and I will continue to find ways of getting you the information that is needed. I might not be able to free all of you from the bondage that engulfs you but I will certainly try but like the old saying goes, “You can lead a horse to the water but you can’t make him drink” but maybe just maybe I can get you to raise your fist in the air for the cause…

I freed a thousand slaves I could have freed a thousand more if only they knew they were slaves-Harriet Tubman

The Variables of Life

“There are many equations for a successful life but the only one that makes sense, is the one you create”

Jay Noetic”

I awoke this morning with a word on my mind and even as I write these words I’m not sure why this word has been stuck in the  cognitive quicksand that is my thoughts. I use the word quicksand because the more I try to remove it from my mind the deeper it sinks. When this happens in my life I tend to think about what the relation is to me. In my life when something seems constant  or repetitive in my mind, body and spirit I look within instead out. Which is ironic because the word that materialized this morning is opposite of constant and it’s the word  “variable” which means  “not consistent or having a fixed pattern; liable to change”. So this constant thought/feeling has to be examined.

As I began to think about the word variable a quote came to me; “If the variables in your life don’t equate to the answer you seek then go back and change the variables or work on a new problem entirely until you understand how to solve the last one”. I find myself to be at a place in my life where I feel a major decision is about to happen with me because I’m not content with a few variables in my life. In these particular areas, what I’ve been doing does not seem to be working, does not seem to be adding up and even though I have peace in my life I feel that some of the goals I have for particular areas of my life are not coming to fruition as quickly as I would like based on the model I set forth.

Of course it’s important to remember that even the best laid plans can go awry in our lives and that we shouldn’t get discouraged by a little deviation from it. When we find ourselves to be in the middle of the plans we’ve made and realize that something is not adding up, it’s up to us to go back to the beginning to inspect the variables we ourselves inserted into the equation. It’s encouraged to reexamine with a new outcome in mind because believe me when I say that there is very little reason to go back to the beginning if we aren’t truly ready to change the said variables. Why go back to the drawing board if we aren’t ready to paint a new picture?

So as I examine my life and the variables I’ve placed in my life I can’t help but wonder if something needs to change. Do I need to change the people, my location or maybe even my spiritual practices? Or quite possibly, everything needs to stay as is for now.  Everything in life changes, there seems to be very little that stays the same. Trends change, people change, weather changes, the universe changes, emotions change, tides change. Is it unrealistic to think that our variables won’t change as well? Isn’t that the point of variables? To be mutable, fluid, unpredictable, mercurial and fickle?

Lately I haven’t been finding time for the practices that will develop me spiritually and I need to get back on track with this. I’ve been distracted with other forms of entertainment; dating, socializing and yes, playing my playstation 4 to name a few.  The biggest area of my life (outside of trying to get my book published)that I’ve been focusing on the last few months have been dating. I understand that it’s unrealistic for someone who has crossed over the thirty year old mark years ago to continue to pretend that they have all the time in the world to have a child. So I’ve been focusing on this because having at least one child is one area of my life that I do want to happen.  In order for this to happen means that I need to find a woman whom I can see as my life partner.

Not an easy task when the variables you are dealing with are human beings. We are the most inconsistent variable that exist even though we are creatures of habit, sometimes habitually changing  because we are unsure of ourselves. We are always searching for more but that more we are in search of will always be “Gone with the wind”. Easily blown away or just outside of our grasp because more is never enough. I have to remind myself of this because it’s easy to habitually chase the more but on the opposite end of that spectrum it’s also easy to accept the less; which is just as bad or even worse.

Sometimes we need to look at all “the more” we have planned for ourselves and make sure it still makes sense. We don’t want to get to the end of the equation and realize the variables changed without our knowledge. Adjustments are needed along the way always, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. When you look at your life, what variables do you feel have changed that no longer align with your plan? If it no longer aligns, is it worth your energy to keep it there? Are you confident enough in yourself to say “I use to want this or need this but no longer”. Are you capable of deconstructing variables that you did not change but changed nonetheless?  It seems like an easy answer but in truth doing so is not an easy task. Sometimes we continue to chase what can’t be caught, like a dog chasing it’s own tail.

I think about the people who came before me and are still living and I can’t help but wonder if they wish they had done some things differently before they got to the  point of no return. I can’t help but wonder if they stopped paying attention to the plan or if they simply said “I’m okay with where I am”. Which is not necessarily a bad thing as we often like to believe. At some point you have to become satisfied with where your life is or you will die still chasing something and will miss out on all the beautiful things that happen in this life experience.  You, like me, will have to make a decision eventually to stick to the plan or change it.

It’s true what Margaret Mitchell said in the movie Gone with the wind, she said “Life’s under no obligation to give us what we expect. We take what we get and are thankful it’s no worse than it is.”  In hindsight, I guess that’s the biggest variable of all that there is…..life. It can throw you a curveball, can give you sour grapes, can give you lemons that you never knew how to hit, how to squash or how to squeeze but what I just remembered as I typed that is that we can learn on the fly. So even though all these variables are forever changing, it should never be able to throw us off completely.

We know the variables that currently exist in our life and we know the equation that we have set forth for our life. It’s up to us re-examine the equation(s) and to always solve for x. Many will tell you that the x factor will always be ourselves but isn’t it common knowledge that we will always be part of any equation in our lives? We will always be the every changing constant variable but x should never subtract from you but instead always add to you. The lady that I’m with will have to add to my life and me to her’s, as I continue to keep my eyes on the different areas of my life that seem to be shifting I will continue to make sure I’m not over thinking it; after all, when in doubt? Go with your first answer.

x + You=Peace

The Baggage that We Carry

“The past is never where you think you left it.”
Katherine Anne Porter

Imagine for a moment that right now, in your present moment that you’ve been holding on to every memory created in the past and every action done to you  in the past. If our past truly molds us into who we are now, then what moments in our past have molded us the most? If you  held on to every moment and memory what type of person do you think you would be currently? Do you think you would be functioning as a fully understanding human being when it comes to not only the relationships in your life  but as well the relationship that you have with yourself or do you think it would be the exact opposite of this? Would you be miserable and unable to have healthy relationships?

You’ve probably said to yourself  that any person who holds on to all the past memories created and all the past actions done to them would be a miserable person because they are allowing everything in the past to affect their present moment. This is likely true and I’ve personally never met a person who holds on to the past that is truly happy in their present moment and if this person does exist I’d love to pick their brain.

It’s almost impossible for us to remember everything that has ever been done to us throughout our life and it’s even more unlikely for us to be able to remember all of the past memories that were created, so thankfully we as a human race don’t have to worry about being this person or becoming this person. The more likely case is that we remember  only the events that had significant impacts on us and we have etched those memories in our memory banks. The more typical events and memories that we remember are the things that either made us very happy or very sad, the events that fixed us or the events that almost broke us. And sometimes we unconsciously never forget them. It is only until someone else points it out to us that we realize that we have.

We then carry these past memories into the future now and use them as a measuring stick as to the type of things we either want or don’t want in our lives. In truth, most of us have been packing all of these things into our carry own bag, going from destination to destination, thinking we are carrying light but in reality, carrying the even heavier items in our lives; carrying the things that hold us down, wear us down and prevent us from being at peace.

In other words, all the luggage we consider essential has been packed in to a suitcase and instead of unloading certain items that need to be discarded, we continue to pile things in even when its clear it’s bursting at the seams. Guess what? Life is standing at the counter, looking at us in our eyes, staring deeply in to our core,  telling us that “it’s too heavy and it needs to be put back” and we just say “wait let me reorganize it” and try to place certain items in our other memory bags. This is what we do, all of us, no one is exempt from this action. It’s the only way that we feel that we can prepare ourselves for things to come. We believe it’s better to think we are prepared for something instead of being caught by surprise.

The questions I ask you are this. Are we holding on to the right things that benefit us the most? Are we  preparing ourselves for the future now with past memories and past actions that will help propel us forward in a positive healthy way? Or are we holding on to things that are depriving us from our joy? Things that deprive us from having healthy and satisfying relationships.

Truth is, I’m not really sure that we can ever really prepare ourselves for the unknown. In fact I’m more sure than not that we can’t prepare for the unknown until whatever is bound to happen happens and then we learn and adjust from that moment on.  Sure, we can put theories through the test gauntlet and we can run algorithms to help determine the likely outcome of some events in the future now but neither of those options work when it comes to human interaction with one another because human’s are unpredictable. We can think one way and do things one way one day and then the next day we have decided that we have had enough of that and change.

So, we can’t really prepare for future encounters with people based on what we know from our past memories and past actions that were done to us and yet many people try but we all are different so expecting others to do to us what others before them is unfair to them and yourself. I sit back and observed people in their actions and in their logic as to what they believe and how they allow what they believe to determine how they interact with other people and I see how they are allowing things from their past to affect how they interact with people.  If we can be honest with one another then we can all admit that we all have some  past baggage  that we carry with us. In all honesty though, too many of us are still wearing yesterday’s clothes expecting a new look.

At what point are you going to unload the hurt that your mom and dad caused to be let go? At what point are you going to let go of the anger you have with yourself about your decision  to get involved with a married a man or woman who at the end, went back to their spouse? At what point in your life are you going to let go of the memory that tells you that the next person is going to hurt you? At what moment in time are you going to let go of all the anger, hurt, anxiety that was caused by any of the actions that you have allowed to remain etched in memories stone? Many of us are broken, still pretending that we’re working but it’s clear to everyone who interacts with us that things aren’t running as smoothly as we like people to believe.

In my personal life I know people who constantly talk about themselves. They talk about what they do, what they have, what they’ve done, what they’ve come through and are unwilling to hear what you have to say not because they don’t care but because it’s not about them. When I have conversations with them, all they can talk about is themselves and all their grandeur and yet never wonder why they have only associates or no one of significance in their life. I sit back and wonder if they have low self-esteem and little self-worth or even over compensating for something. All because they use the word I more than any other word in their vocabulary. When it comes to healthy relationships, no one likes to be around anyone who only talks about themselves. I ask myself, what past event has caused this person to only see in the perspective of I when in the company of others. Have you ever met a person who likes to be around anyone who only talks about themselves? Yeah me neither.

I can promise you that they are carrying a piece of luggage that should have been let go a long time ago. I can promise you that you are carrying a piece of past luggage that should have been let go. And until you do, that dream of yours that includes finding peace, love and balance will be forever fleeting. It’s hard for us to have fully healthy relationships when we ourselves aren’t as healthy as we know we need to be. However, the only way we will ever reach our full potential is by examining the area’s of our lives that we know need improvements. Trust issues, abandonment issues, fiscal irresponsibility issues for example exist in our lives because of past actions done to us that we have yet acknowledged, which in turn keeps us from being able to remove it from our lives. Friends, if we can’t see our struggles, our problems as something that is broken,then how can we ever fix it? Don’t be blind to the facts because even if we ourselves can’t see them, I can promise you that others can and do.

Once we can acknowledge the issue(s) we can then figure out why it exist, which is always (in most cases) because of another human being, we can then start the forgiving process. Without that acknowledgement and a willingness to change it, there is nothing we can do but continue to live in the reliving. But once we do acknowledge and do want to change we can then start the process of forgiving them and forgiving ourselves for allowing it and some cases not being able to change what was going on in that moment.

Your time to change is right now. As you read these words you know you want to be better and that it’s time to let go of past pieces of memories and actions that are blocking your progression. The goal in life should always be to get better, not to regress but to PROGRESS.  And yes, it’s an uneasy feeling saying I have an issue and yes it’s uncomfortable saying I’ve been carrying this baggage and luggage for far too long, but guess what? You deserve a even happier life and even healthier relationships.

Starting today, pull your suitcase out of the closet and examine the luggage you currently have stuffed in there(this includes your beliefs). Some of it needs to stay and some of it needs to go but most importantly all of it needs to be examined because contrary to popular belief somethings don’t make us stronger, it makes us weaker and if you ever think you are getting away with the extra baggage, let us remember that in life, we are not Southwest Airlines…..our bags never fly free so do what Ms Badu said to do,  #packlight #baglady

Everyone we meet in life comes with a little baggage, add people in your life who don’t mind helping you unpack

When Loneliness Strikes

“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.” 
― Mother Teresa

Two nights ago I was laying across my couch watching an episode of suits when I began feeling slightly lonely. I would like to tell you that I was a bit surprised by this “feeling” because I hadn’t felt that way in at least two and half years but I’ve been feeling “not like myself” the last few weeks. So to tell you I was surprised would be to lie to you, which I refuse to do. You see, lately I’ve felt the need to be a recluse more than normal but I’ve fought against it because I know that a solitary lifestyle is a sure-fire way to lead a person down the road to depression.

I’ve been depressed before and I can tell you that if Hell does exist then being depressed must be what Hell is. Depression is truly the (d)evil and I’m thankful that I was able to bring myself out of it when I was roughly twenty-two years old. Fighting loneliness is a delicate balance  for someone who is a loner like myself. Early  in my adult life I considered myself to be an introvert and then later on I began to think I was an extrovert because I do enjoy being around people E.g. friends, family. The struggle that I found is that I get high on my energy as well as those who are stimulating. I’ve found that I am a ambivert, which basically means “middle of the road” personality trait.

So last night when I began to feel lonely I had to evaluate why I was feeling this way. Was I feeling this way because I wasn’t around people or was it because I’ve been single for far too long (in my opinion) and was missing the touch of a woman in my life? It was the only two things that it could have been for me. I decided that it was the latter because the scene that was being acted on the show “Suits” involved a romantic relationship in which the couple had just gone through a major struggle together and were crying together and blah blah blah, you get the point.

As quick as that feeling came in to my spirit, the feeling went away. It was only for moment in time but it was there, I felt it. When you feel something that’s normally foreign to your being it is always best to acknowledge it instead of ignoring it. Acknowledge it and let it go has always been the best motto for me and it’s what I encourage all of my friends and family to do.

 I was able to not let it consume me and I know how to not dwell on emotions and feelings when they show themselves in my life. But it got me to thinking about how many other beautiful people out there like yourself might not know how to do such a thing. Truth is, most people mask their loneliness in ways that prevent anyone from being able to see that they are hurting.

Another truth is that loneliness will strike you at some point in your life. It is bound to happen and it is bound to happen more than a few times in your life span. There is a misconception that exist that loneliness strikes the single people only. People like myself who do not currently have a significant other, but that’s not true. Loneliness effects couples as well. It effects teenagers to adults in their 70’s and up. It is not isolated to single people.

Statistics show that one in ten people suffer from Chronic loneliness and even more from basic loneliness which is a “temporary condition”, much like the feeling that I felt the other day, maybe how you are feeling right now. Many people may not even be aware that they are lonely, masking the feeling with “just a phase”. But what too many people are ignoring is that loneliness is a “state of mind”. It’s a mental issue that has the ability to consume people, that then makes them isolate themselves.

Loneliness comes from many things but most often it stems from not “feeling or being connected” On my Facebook page the other day I made this statement, “Social media has become an extension of what’s going on in our lives. We post what makes us laugh, what we’re eating, doing and thinking. We talk about what is going on in our lives mainly because we don’t do enough expressing and talking in our personal lives. We work, we workout, we do our routines but we’re missing the human connection but accepting it as is. We judge people who are reaching out and expressing themselves on social media, sometimes blocking them when instead a phone call is what may be needed. But because we are disconnected we simply do nothing except like this or like that. We are losing the art of human connection”

Little did I understand that this lack of connection between us is more than likely causing all of us to feel lonely even more! This article http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-22012957 begs the question “Is modern life making us lonely”

If you’re feeling lonely in your life right now I encourage you start doing activities that get you active and around other people. Disconnect from social media and reconnect with human’s and yes even force yourself to do what feels uncomfortable to you. Isolation of self in a continuing pattern will lead you to depression.  How do you know that you are lonely right now?  There are signs

  • A feeling of having no common bond with the people around you
  • Feeling disconnected from others
  • Feeling sad because there is no one else available to be with you
  • Feeling uncomfortable being by yourself
  • Feeling that there is no one in your life who really cares about you
  • Being without friends or a companion
  • Feeling like you don’t have anyone who wants to be with you
  • Feeling abandoned
  • Being unable to connect with anyone on either a physical or emotional level
  • Feeling left out
  • Being alone and not comfortable being with yourself

Effects of loneliness

  • Loneliness decreases a person’s immunity due to the negative feelings harbored within and also due to irregular exercising.
  • Loneliness increases heart attacks and strokes, increases stress, and is associated with depression and suicide.
  • Loneliness leads to anti-social behavior and may coexist with schizoid personality.
  • Loneliness increases the incidence of alcoholism, causes altered brain function, decreases learning and memory power and results in poor decision making abilities.
  • The inability to sleep

As an inspiring Spiritual coach I always encourage those who may be feeling a particular way about their feelings to always acknowledge it and evaluate it but not to over analyze it. Admitting it and coming up with a plan of attack is what is often typically needed to move from the feeling of loneliness and/or depression. The loneliness that you may be feeling right now can come from many different area’s of your life but it typically get’s it’s root cause from a break up, a death in the family, loss of a job, isolation from family(long distance), disappointment in others to just name a few.

The bottom line is that something ELSE needs to change in your life. When I was depressed it stemmed from lack of money, no friends and no significant other in my life. When I felt lonely the other day it stemmed from not having a significant other in my life. I knew this back then and know this now and I instituted a plan of attack back then and now that will change my situation.

What are you going to do? Are you going to continue to ignore your feelings? Are you going to ignore what your spirit is telling you to change? Always remember that you have a choice in how you feel,  what you think and especially in what you do. Understanding that loneliness is a state of mind means that you have complete control over it (in most cases). You don’t have to be lonely, you just need to figure out why you feel the way you feel and what your options are.

Happiness and complete peace can not live in unison of loneliness. If you are like me and know that the feeling that is inside of you stems from the lack of a significant relationship in your life, you have to figure out what it is that you can change in your dating expectations. You have to figure out if the issue is others or yourself. Is the lack of, because there aren’t any good people out there or is it because we have set unrealistic expectations? Only one person can answer the question as to why it doesn’t exist and that person is yourself.

What I do that I’ve found that helps me in all areas of my life is to respect when my spirit is telling me what it needs. When I feel like I need to be alone, I do me. I get my “me time” in. Respect how you feel and do the things your spirit is communicating to you. But, and this is a big but (who doesn’t like those), know the difference between your spirit and your mind. A feeling that comes from within yourself that never goes away is from your spirit. If you find yourself saying things like, “I just feel tired”, “I just feel lonely”, “I just feel like I need a change”. See the key word there? “Feel”.

What you feel will never lead you down the wrong road. If you find yourself saying “I think this”, “I think that” it’s coming from within your ego, from your thoughts. Both need to be evaluated and respected but only “thinking” is what often leads us wrong. What we think isn’t necessarily always true, especially if we don’t have all the facts. Because loneliness is typically always a “state of the mind” we should always get the facts right because if we believe in something fully we will often transform that thought into reality. And as we all know, a person’s perspective is always their reality.

So if loneliness has shown up in your life, know that you aren’t alone out there. Know that there is someone out there just like yourself that is waiting for you to connect with them.  Know that someone will take your hand if you reach out to them. Know that if you place yourself among other positive living people they will help uplift you out the struggle you are in mentally. No one can bring you out of a certain state, you have to do your part as well.

I speak from experience my friends. I would never tell you a lie or encourage you to do something that will do harm to you. Together, you and I will continue to progress forward towards our ultimate goal of complete peace in our lives. So for whatever reason you’re  currently feeling lonely, focus on the thought that isolation is not the key. Remember that doing similar actions from your past over again may have been what’s lead you down this current path.

That’s all for now friends, remember that The Universe loves you, that God loves you and that I love you, the only question is do you love you? And if you do…….Acknowledge, evaluate and change.

 “The purpose of life is the expansion of happiness.”
― Deepak Chopra

*Please forgive error’s and typo’s. I will finish the final edits soon.