This is not a article about death, it’s a article about life and tonight I could close my eyes never to open them again. In fact, tomorrow could be the day that you’ll never see another updated status from me, another selfie from me or another comment from me and for some; just reading those words brings an uncomfortable feeling in them.
They love me and I love them and the thought of either of us no longer living is saddening; but this is a fact of life; death happens. Any of us within our next breath could cease to exist, which is why I do my best to live my life my way.
And my way is often not accepted by many, and my way often leaves me treading a path that I forge alone and my way often gets people looking at me crazy but my way has brought me the most happiness. For awhile there in my 20’s I was certainly living standards created by other people but pretending that it was my own beat that I was drumming to. I was unhappy, I was confused, I was self conscious, I was a black man unsure of his place in his very own world. I saw the box they placed me in and I called it home. I had 4 walls and a ceiling and that box was big enough for me…….until it wasn’t.
Luckily for me I had my ‘ah ha” moment in my mid 20’s and decided that I would no longer give a damn what other people thought about the man I was and the man I was creating myself to be. I wanted to stand out from the crowd, I wanted to give a different energy when I walked into the room and I wanted to be different. So I stepped outside of that box because I needed a new space, I needed new air, I needed a bigger box, I needed to fly.
And so, here I am, a different type of human being who views life with a very open and accepting perspective. So open and accepting that those who cling to societal norms of masculinity have tried to dictate my masculinity.
Why? Because in me are traits that have been associated with femininity for ages. I show my emotions, I speak my feelings, I dress different, I have gay friends, I support LGBTQ people, I take care of my looks, I sometimes cry when I see something empathetic or caring, I’m comfortable in spaces that aren’t heavy in masculine energy (to a certain degree), I’m not often aggressive and of course I don’t carry Alpha energy 24/7.
Truth is though, all I’ve ever been attracted to is pleasing women, loving women and the woman body. It just so happens that I’m also attracted to being a outspoken, confident, balanced emotional human male and that’s different, especially for a heterosexual black male in a hyper-masculine ego driven society.
Its popular for people to say to think outside the box or to don’t live inside your box but the truth is that if we look at the totality of our human life; we absolutely live inside the box we’ve created or inside the box others created for us and we never challenge the items that exist in the box. We just go, “oh here’s my life box, I’ll just have to make this work”. The truth is though, the content inside the box is often placed inside that space before we even stepped foot inside of it. And then once we’re existing in that space and identify the content that the world is telling us is us we just accept it without throwing any of it out.
We all live inside a box and some of us have expanded the boxes dimensions in order to be able to experience more things while living here on earth and some of us have not. Honestly, I’m not necessarily saying its better to have a bigger box to live in than a smaller box, especially if everything in said box is everyone else’s beliefs and not your own but if I had a choice (which I do) between less space to be breathe and more space to be breathe; then I’m going to choose the bigger box every time.
This is where I’ve been existing at least the last 8 years of my life for sure; inside a bigger box, filled with the thoughts, feelings, emotions, life experiences and beliefs of my own. Now, it would be mighty egotistical of me to think that inside my box I have nothing learned from others living within my space. Of course I have the opinions and beliefs of my friends, family and those who came before me in my box, I’m just explaining that I created a bigger space, newer dimensions for me and it to exist in.
But tomorrow all that could be gone and honestly, one year from now I could be nothing more than a afterthought, nothing more than a memory in someone’s Facebook memories and that’s why today I live for not who I want to be but for who I need to be. And I don’t waver on that; which makes people who don’t know me misconstrue who I am.
But we should not waver if we love who we truly are! Because what’s the point in living at all if we die living someone else’s life? What’s the point in breathing at all if we die having had to depend on someone else’s breath? What’s the point in existing in this space if all we’re going to do is conform in order to fit in? That’s not living, that’s death! That’s not growing that’s shrinking! Our lights in our house should not have to be dimmed in order to increase the shine in your friends.
“So many people live their lives not knowing the real and exact reasons why they live. They follow anything for something and they do something for anything. When you live life with a blurry vision, you live a blurry life. Vision is life, and a life without vision is a dead life” –Ernest Agyemang Yeboah said
What’s the vision you have for your life? Are you living life and creating life? Are you creating a bigger space for you and those watching you? How big is the box that you’re currently living in? What content was already in your box when you stepped inside of it? So many questions, so many decisions, so many indecision’s and yet; you could be gone tomorrow. Laticia Dezelle said “Don’t be so stuck in a situation or feeling that when the tide turns you can’t see the transformation or manifestation. The caterpillar eventually turns into a butterfly.
Its true that our lives are often very much like the caterpillar. We move slow through life trying to experience what we can but before you know it we’re stuck in our very own cocoon(box). We’re stuck in our cocoon, unable to move, unable to get to our destination, clinging dangerously on the flimsy limb where one gust of the east wind would end our lives. Some of us never make it out of the cocoon, we give up before the metamorphosis, thinking this is how life must be.
It’s not until we explode out of the cocoon that we become the butterfly and fly away. So don’t you see? There’s more to experience once you get outside of the cocoon/box you’re living in. Examine what has filled your space, analyze what has been holding you back from your transformation, identify what is filled in your box.
My box is filled with sexual freedom, spiritual growth, professional growth, self-help awareness, wisdom, porn, dirty thoughts, freaky thoughts, God, Science, nature, friends, family, personal beliefs, food porn, healthy living, understanding, communication, world knowledge, black history, black future, black present, American history, world history, loving people, personal growth, human psyche just to name a few. I’ve removed many things and I’ve added controversial things but if tomorrow I’m no more I know what they won’t say.
They won’t say I didn’t live my way, they won’t say I didn’t love people, they won’t say that I didn’t try to change lives, they won’t say I didn’t try to save lives, they won’t say that I didn’t treat people the way I wanted to be treated, they won’t say that I didn’t try to be a inspiration, they won’t say Jay lived a lame life and they won’t say that I didn’t try to be the best version of myself.
Tomorrow I may be gone and they might say Jay was an acquired taste but truth be told at the end of the day……I’m okay with that.
Earnestly, I don’t think about death much anymore, in fact I spend most of my time thinking about how to live more. I can’t control death; I just know that I feel as if I’m living my last days as a butterfly. I feel as if I’m breaking down my walls, living in spaces I never dreamed of before and I honestly can’t see the walls to the box I’m flying in but I know they exist. Yes I know, butterflies don’t live very long but at least they take flight before its all said and done. I’m not a butterfly collector, I don’t pin butterflies down in a box. I’m a butterfly, I spread my wings and I go. I just wish more people would fly with me.