Dating & Relationships

Dating: Just Pull The Tooth Already

I typically have a very favorable perspective about dating and rarely if ever do I turn to my blog to complain about the precarious scenarios that has become modern day dating. And I understand that most words that come after the word but are bad but listen; modern day dating is sorta like that one tooth in your mouth that started aching years ago. It’s been giving you signs that you need to go to the Dentist to have a look see but you’re too stubborn to go because you think it isn’t serious and that the ache will go away.

The next thing you know you’re chewing on one side of your mouth more often than a hillbilly chewing Skoal tobacco because every other chew/date hurts just a little and your stubborn ass keeps trying to chew on that tooth just to test it out to see if its gotten better. Well guess what! It hasn’t and the tooth is now kicking your ass and all you want is to get that motherfucker fixed so that you can eat your favorite meal in peace. That’s dating in 2019; a bad tooth ache that’s causing you pain and you need to get it fixed. But let me explain why it’s a pain.

Problem number 1, vulnerability; very few single people actually want to be vulnerable and yet these same people are expecting the other person to be the vulnerable one. Today’s dating people are expecting other people to take all the risk and they themselves reap all the rewards. Can you imagine being the person making all the phone calls, initiating all the text, planning all the dates, paying for all the dates, saying you miss them, saying that you like them, saying that you want to see them again and the only one sending nudes? Wait…sorry not that last part that’s for another time.

This is the case for many people dating today. They are either the one doing all the vulnerable actions or they are the one doing nothing. Which in turn makes the person being vulnerable grow weary of the one-sided affair and decides its better to retreat or worse yet; to become the one seeking all the rewards. Vulnerability is an important ingredient in finding love. So why is it that so many people are trying to find love without it? That’s the ultimate question at hand and one that few are trying to find a solution for.

Let’s be frank about people and vulnerability though, the facts are that most people are afraid of vulnerability because they’ve been dramatically hurt by people they were involved with when they were at their most vulnerable. Vulnerability is scary and dangerous when placed in the wrong hands and lets be honest; its kinda sorta like flossing when you haven’t flossed in awhile; it doesn’t really feel good. So while I completely understand the lack of wanting to floss I mean be vulnerable I still don’t recommend avoiding it if you’re looking for love.

Christina Enevoldsen said in her book The Rescued Soul that “In a healthy relationship, vulnerability is wonderful. It leads to increased intimacy and closer bonds., When a healthy person realizes that he or she hurt you, they feel remorse and they make amends. It’s safe to be honest.” So you see! Vulnerability is sweet when it’s with the right person and I think that’s the problem that has lead to so many people lacking the strength to be vulnerable, they haven’t had healthy relationships.

They’ve had or existed in unhealthy relationships, where vulnerability is seen as a weakness and is used against you. Listen, you don’t have to be a physicist to understand that the people they’ve been involved with don’t understand vulnerability in its totality and don’t know how to communicate what they’re seeing, feeling and expecting.

Which brings me to problem number 2 in modern day dating; communication. I’m a firm believer that the majority of the problems making dating and relationships exponentially worse in each and every phase of relationship building is the lack of healthy communication. We literally have people who think they’re good communicators communicating with divisive body language, verbal language and text language but refuse to acknowledge that their form of communication is causing the pain in the tooth to become deep rooted. Abscess much?

Communication in relationships probably should be the highest priority made outside of remaining faithful to one another but for whatever reason communication when dating no longer takes precedence or even worse some form of communication happens but leaves at least one individual with more questions than answers before they began the attempted communication.
Charles Bernard Shaw saidThe single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” Healthy communication isn’t taking place in modern day dating but the illusion that it is surely is happening. Relationships fail because of individuals lacking the ability to properly express themselves and/or their partners not being able to understand the perspective. Let’s just call these actions the fracturing of the tooth in the relationship.

Every emotion, thought and feelings are being communicated through text messages or social media and once the two individuals are in person there’s either an explosion of things unsaid or nothing said at all with passive aggressive remarks being said on social media a few hours later where they get reassured by their followers and the options they think they have. Which brings me to problem number three; the belief that we have many options.

Let’s be honest; most of the single people don’t have as many options as they think they do but yet date like they’re the next best thing since sliced bread as if other more tasteful forms of bread doesn’t exist. There’s rye, sourdough, whole wheat, pita, brown bread, ciabatta, Naan, Brioche, cornbread and bagels. Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with being a English muffin bruh but are you really the best when Banana nut bread exist?

I get it, boost yourself up, believe in yourself. After all; I think I’m the shit but even I understand that my shit stinks. The truth is, we don’t have all these options to choose from because some of the people you think you could be with only want to smash but won’t say that, some of the people who say they’re ready for a relationship know they really aren’t but can’t communicate it and the rest are a mix of people who don’t want to be vulnerable, can’t communicate or you just aren’t their type (and vice versa).

I remember one time I was dating this one woman, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon and I had already had some history but took a break. This time around I was dead serious and was 100% ready to commit to just her and I being exclusive so that we could see if we could make it work. My reason for not committing to her previously had nothing to do with another woman but everything to do with where she was at that time in her life and if I’m being completely honest, where I was as well.

I communicated all this back then to Sharon and clearly communicated my intention the 2nd time around. A few days later Sharon asked “Are you sure you’re ready to just date me? I’m asking because I’m about to cancel all my other dudes out” I said yes, lets do this. It never materialized because Sharon was more concerned about keeping her options than taking a chance on someone trying to take a chance on her. She never made a decision and Sharon is still single, frustrated and lonely asking where all the good men are because none of her options really wanted to be with her…they just wanted to smash.

I can’t speak for every single man or woman in the dating world but from my perspective this is the reality that has become modern day dating. It’s a cluster fuck bruh and the culprits of the confusion are

  1. Lack of Vulnerability
  2. Poor Communication
  3. Fake Options

And us of course and surely I could add to this list but as I see it; these are the three major contributors wrecking havoc in our dating bodies. These are the three ingredients contributing to the bad tooth in our mouths that’s causing the massive headaches. They are by all accounts a cavity. But what are the solutions Doc?

First, be vulnerable for the right person but in order to do that you need to be able to determine who is the right person and who isn’t the right person. No one can tell you who that is but I’d be willing to bet money that the one who’s wrong makes you feel like you’re just another option. Start there and once you find someone who treats you like you’re the choice then you treat them the way you want to be treated.

Secondly, be a grown ass person and learn how to have conversations that will propel your relationships forward even when you and partner are in the midst of your biggest disagreements. Pick up the phone and talk it out, massage your bae’s feet as you talk out the solution. Learn how to listen to understand instead of listening to reply. Communication does not have to be difficult if we learn to create safe spaces for our lovers to exist in.

And last but certainly not least, fuck your options! No not literally; but I mean you can do that too but I mean cut them off when someone is ready to take a chance on you. Operate like like the only option you have is loving yourself when the right one comes along because if you really do love yourself then you’re smart enough to understand that you really don’t have as many meaningful options as you think and if someone is ready to love you then you owe it to yourself to let them choose you.

There’s an old saying that says “you don’t have to brush all your teeth, just the ones you want to keep” and I don’t know about all of you reading this but I’m tired of chewing on one side of my mouth and I’m tired of wondering if this toothache is going to go away…..hey Doc, just pull the tooth already! I gots 27 more teeth to go!

3 comments

  1. Hey Jay great blog …I find my self expressing that same theory to women I date and the first response is a denial…

  2. Ouch! Fake options really hit home. This was a really awesome read, I look forward to reading the rest of your blogs.

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