Where Growth Happens

Are you his Safe Haven?

Most women are nurturer’s and when most women who are nurturers see someone they love or care for hurting they mostly go into “let me help you FEEL better” mode. Now; let’s be clear here that not all women are nurturer’s just like all men aren’t fixer’s. Truth be told some women have what society thinks are male traits and some males have what society thinks are female traits.

Some men when they see a problem or their partner in a funk will try to fix the issue with a solution so that their partner can move forward but not necessarily making the person FEEL better but instead getting them to move past the issue, understanding, that time will heal the wound but that the wound will never begin to heal if the first step is not taken.

Let me say here that to generalize an entire demographic because of what others might do would do more harm than good but for the sake of time when I say “women” or “men”  going forward in this article understand that I’m speaking of  some women and  some men, not all collectively.

In relationships there are going to be some very difficult times for the individuals involved and I think most intelligent, mature adults understand this fact and expect it in both healthy and unhealthy relationships. However, how those issues are resolved often tend to be what makes and breaks relationships due to someone not communicating properly and/or someone not truly listening to their partner.  This issue falls on both men and women but ladies, you really need to LISTEN to your man when you see him in a bad place and here’s why.

Men tend to internalize their stress, their worries, their problems. Men don’t talk  much about their struggles because we think about finding the solution, find the solution and move onward.  It’s also true that many times even with the solution figured out the man just needs a little bit of time to get out of that funk. Ladies, if you’re lucky enough to be in a relationship with a man who expresses himself openly with you then you better lock him down because it takes time, patience and trust for a man to openly express what’s going on with him.

With that said, men will tell you exactly what they need from you in their time of need. Men will be very direct about what they need from you when they aren’t feeling good, feeling down or are in a funk and it falls on to you to LISTEN to what he says and to give him what he has expressed to you. Trust me, even if it’s just one sentence, that will be exactly what he expects from you because that’s his solution. Understand these words, it’s not your responsibility to try to give that man something else different. It’s not your responsibility to try make him FEEL better in a different way if he has made it clear to you what will make him feel better.

That advice can be given to both men and women. Listen to what your partner is telling you they need from you in their time of need and do exactly that, not what you think they need. Women, you don’t get to tell your man what  he needs when he has told you what he needs. That’s selfish to do so and it means you aren’t listening.  We as people don’t have the right to convince our partners of what will make them feel better when they’ve already expressed it to us. I say that again to drive home that point. If this is what they say they need this is what we should give them until they move forward or we see that it isn’t working.

For men, their woman is their safe haven and more often then not all the man needs from you is for you to be by his side. Be the place he can come to in order to feel back at peace and centered. Be the haven where he can rest his mind because trust me, his mind has been racing long before you probably noticed it and the last thing that man wants to do is talk about what he has already figured out.  And if he hasn’t figured it out and he trust you completely, he’ll ask you what you think, what your opinion is or what do you think he should do. He’ll do that because you’re his SAFE HAVEN.

Haven:” a place of safety or refuge”

I remember in my last relationship where I wasn’t feeling good about some of circumstances that existed in my life but the one thing I did feel good about was my woman and our relationship but I was stressed out and my woman could see it and feel it and she began thinking my energy was about her but it wasn’t.

When we talked about it I expressed to her what was going on with me and I also expressed to her that what I needed from her the most was for her to just “be by my side and that when I come over to just lay by me and touch me”.  I expressed to her that what I needed was for her to be the place I could rest my mind.

Unfortunately she convinced herself that it was more to it and eventually created a problem where there once was no problem.  She didn’t listen to what was said, she decided she wanted to nurturer me in a way that suited her and when it wasn’t received it then became a problem about her and I. And then of course she was no longer my safe haven.

Ladies, the only time you should do opposite of what’s being said to you by your man is when the man has no clue about who he is, what he needs or that he’s been all over the place for awhile and it’s been bringing down your relationship. Outside of that, listen to what’s being said and I promise you your relationship with your man will grow exponentially.

It’s a known fact that men don’t express themselves as openly as women so ladies if you know this fact then it’s up to you  to truly hear what’s being said by your man. Listen, he who speaks little, often speaks with his truth. It seems like no one wants to listen anymore. It seems like everyone wants to be heard. How will relationships survive if everyone is giving their opinion and ideas while no one is truly listening? It can’t survive and your relationships won’t survive either.

Did you know that North American men going through divorce are eight times more likely than divorcing women to commit suicide.” ? Why do you think that is? One of the reasons is  “A man is less likely to have the group support that a woman has, especially if he has been working in a career during his marriage. A woman is more likely to have developed emotional bonds outside of her job with friends, whereas a man is more likely to focus on his work. When the divorce comes, he is only left with work and no more emotional support. After work, he is more likely to go home to his space and stew over what went wrong. As a result, the sense of isolation for a man is very intense after divorce. Another link between divorce and suicide.” Read this article on Suicide in Divorced Men

Why do you think that is? Because women are a man’s SAFE HAVEN. If you’re a woman and you’re reading this, YOU ARE WHAT A MAN TRUST IN when he’s fully committed to you. We talk to you, we express ourselves to you albeit very little but we count on you to be by our side in the time of need.  Don’t take away that safe space that he puts your relationship in by not listening to what he tells you he needs.

When you see your man stressed or not being his normal go lucky self or whatever it is he normally does, just ask him very directly  “Bae, what do you need from me because I see something different in you? And then just listen and then do…….do not create something out of nothing and do not make it about you….unless of course you’re the problem.  🙂

“Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.”
― Nicholas SparksSafe Haven

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Categorised in: Dating & Relationships, The Journey

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