Search for the person who out of bad habit you hide parts of yourself from and yet they still manage to see you- Jay Noetic
I’ve recently began dating again a few months ago and when I say dating what I mean exactly is that I’ve actively been seeking, looking and changing my energy to find a woman who I can build a healthy relationship with. I’ve been non-attached (single) to a woman for over six months now but wasn’t ready to seriously begin dating until about three months ago.
Like many people who get out of relationships I found myself trying to replace the void that existed too soon. I went on a few dates soon after my break up only to realize that I wasn’t ready to bring someone new into my life and so I decided to take a step back from dating anyone when I realized I wasn’t quite healed. What I understand about dating after a breakup is that you’ll do more internal damage to yourself by moving forward with someone when you aren’t completely over the hurt, shock and disbelief that comes from a breakup.
Breakups can leave you defensive and bitter while keeping you turned off mentality, spiritually, sexually and emotionally. In all honesty being defensive and bitter exist in the negativity spectrum and anything negative has the potential of drawing lower energies towards you. So if you’re actively dating while still holding on to the memories, actions and energy from the past relationships you will likely attract unhealthy relationships moving forward and no one wants that, not even a bitter Betty.
So I took a few more months to heal myself mentally, I took a few more months to rebuild my energy and I took a few more months to rebuild my confidence in self. I also took time to examine my dating philosophies and I’m convinced that not enough people do this. During my reexamination I realized that there are three different phases of dating after a breakup and that I’m finally moving into phase two.
I looked around for articles written about these phases but most articles were written about the phases of grief after a breakup or the phases men go through in dating but I couldn’t find anything regarding the dating phases we all go through when we’re finally healed after a breakup and want to begin dating once again.
Each phase requires a different amount of energy and attention and each phase should be enjoyed and not rushed until you’re ready. I believe them to be these…
- Phase 1: Companionship Dating
- Phase 2: Focused Dating
- Phase 3: Intimately Dating
- Companionship Dating: In every recently single persons life there comes a moment where the single person no longer wants to be by themselves but not necessarily want to be in a relationship. The single person has likely spent the last five months to two years (sometimes longer) “doing them”; meaning that they’ve re-learned how to love themselves again, they learned from their mistakes and didn’t entertain any other people other than close friends and family. In this moment the single person realizes it’s time to get back in the dating world because they desire companionship. They desire the attraction and interaction of someone they’re physically attracted to. They desire the deeper conversation that isn’t residing in their own head and they begin to randomly date the people they are physically attracted to. Rarely if ever are they thinking about anything else other than “having fun”. The companionship dating phase is often frowned down upon because people think that the individual who’s in this stage is “playing games” but in truth they just aren’t where someone else might be. Many people who are in this phase aren’t honest about being in this phase because they think most people won’t date them if they admit this. There’s nothing wrong with this phase. In fact, I’d even suggest that more people should stay in this phase longer in order to avoid wasting the time of the individuals who are Intimately dating. In a nutshell companionship dating means you need attention other than your own and this will likely come from dating more than one person.
- Focused Dating: This phase of dating (as I believe it to be) is when the single person has come to the realization that they’re now ready to not only date but date with a focused purpose. That purpose could be to focus their attention on finding a healthy relationship or to date solely one person. The individual in this phase likely identified someone who they enjoyed spending time with in the companionship dating phase and realized after a certain amount of time of dating that they could see themselves being with someone in a relationship. Their energy switches from just having fun to finding someone they can build with. It’s still incorporates having fun but it now also includes dating with a purpose. This phase requires the single person to narrow their list and broaden their attention and time to those who deserve their focused attention. This is the phase that most single people believe themselves to be even when they really just want companionship dating but the stark difference between companionship dating and focused dating is that in focused dating you’re entertaining the thought of being in a relationship while in companionship dating that’s the furthest from the truth. If you asked them if they wanted a relationship they’d be like “LMAO GTFOH”….ghost
- Intimately Dating: I think anyone who’s read this entire article understands what this third phase consist of. It’s the final phase of dating. Anyone in this phase has not only identified the person they want to be exclusive with but likely ARE in a relationship with said person. They are only dating one person with the sole purpose being to build a long-term relationship and for some that means marriage and for others that simply means relationship bliss. It’s called intimate for a reason. You should be opening your body, your mind, your soul to the individual you’ve identified as “the one”. To do this 100% before you and they have both reached the intimate dating phase would likely not end well for anyone.
Whichever phase you find yourself in take time to enjoy each one and don’t let anyone make you feel awful for being in different phases of your life. We’re all very different people with different desires, goals and ideas about life, love and relationships. You may not agree with these phases but I’m sure you’ll agree that everyone deserves to find their way.
I personally find myself now entering the Focused dating phase. What are your thoughts? Do you agree or disagree? Do you go about dating differently? Let me know!
“I am looking for the one I can’t fool.”
― Kamand Kojouri