A lot has been happening in my life since the end of 2015 that has drastically altered my world. As some of you have probably noticed I barely come to this place anymore. I imagine that if untouched blogs could resemble real life things then my blog resembles a old house that looks good on the outside but shows no sign of life on the inside. No touch-ups, no clean- ups, just an abandoned building filled with memories and cobwebs.
The truth is,I’ve seen to have lost faith in my own sound thoughts and words. I use to come here unafraid to write how I felt about my world but now I come here in random attempts to write but only to delete what was started because I worry more that every word that I write will be severely analyzed and dissected or that I will offend someone close to me than I do about my own sanity or peace.
I don’t know how I got to this point but I find myself talking less, writing less,doing social media less and if I have to be honest, living less. The question I find myself asking is, am I depressed? The answer? No. No I’m not depressed but I am exhausted. I’m exhausted mentally, physically, socially, financially and relationally. I’m existing in an equation that I know not the solution and am searching desperately for the answer.
I can’t do what I normally do and just “do my own thing” and come back re-energized. (Though I do believe that people need to be able to breathe away from everything from time to time) Doing my own thing is not a solution and it shouldn’t be for you either when you’re dealing with people you love and/or are in love with but know that part of the reason you feel exhausted is because of them. This isn’t a reflection of them in a negative light but building friendships, relationships and lifeships with people will exhaust you because it requires work and this doesn’t even include dealing with your very own direct life goals and struggles.
December 2015 I began a relationship with a beautiful, accepting woman. I committed myself to trying to be the best version of myself possible for her and all of life that was part of her world. Nine months later we’re still together but I’m exhausted and for the first time since being with her I’ve started questioning whether or not I’m what she needs or if I can be what she needs consistently.
February 2016 I applied for a new position within the company I work for that I felt qualified for and was not given. Financially I’m barely making it and to make matters worse I found out recently that one of the people I interviewed with has a racist perspective against people who look like me. Three and half years and I’m exhausted and I’ve been wondering all year if this company is what I need.
March 2016 I moved my mom into my place. She needed a break from the life she was living. She needed help out of the situation she was having to deal with. I couldn’t help her financially but I did have an extra bedroom that wasn’t being used. No one else was offering to help her so I helped where I could. The goal was to help her start over fresh and she would stay with me until she found a job. Not from a lack of trying she’s still unemployed.
July 2016 I moved my 2nd oldest nephew in with me so that he could have a fresh start or at the very least get a head start on his life down here in Florida until his mom moves here. I only asked for one thing in return. Help your grandma around the place and get enrolled in school.
Normally my place of solitude is to just relax in my own place but as you can see, my place is no longer my place (by my own doing) but that’s what you do for people you care about. I spend 3 to 4 days a week with my girlfriend at her mom’s place and did I mention she has a six year old son? There is very little me time, very little “our” time and who am I to complain about the lack of time given that I made these decisions to commit to. To be the best version of myself for all of them but I’m exhausted and starting to think that maybe I’m not the man they need.
Socially, everyone seems angry and upset and if I could close all my social media accounts I would but because I’m a independent author I understand that social media is free advertising for me (for the most part). I have a few questions. Where are all the happy people? Where are all the people who want to spread love and togetherness? I don’t enjoy social media anymore and I know my brand is suffering because of it but I’m tired of seeing video’s of another black person being shot and killed. I’m tired of seeing and feeling like the world is falling apart. I’m exhausted.
Oh, let’s talk about me being a writer. My laptop and tablet got stolen a few weeks ago so now I can’t even finish writing book number 2. I borrowed money In January to buy a $500.00 laptop and now it’s gone. So not only do I not have a space for “time” I don’t have a way to write even if I had the desire to consistently do so.
Physically? I’ve been gaining weight the last 3 years and it won’t stop no matter what I do. I told my doctor about my concerns the very first year and now 30 pounds and 3 years later he finally admits 2 weeks ago that my thyroid is not giving off the levels it should be to sustain a healthy metabolism. There is nothing more frustrating than putting in the work and seeing no results.Trust me, no one wants to run in place while others who do less than you continues to move past you. It’s exhausting.
Relationally, my friendships are suffering and I feel like everyone is too busy to reach out and see what’s going on. Maybe they feel I’m too busy as well but I miss my friends as well and wish we would do more things together but not always out in public spending money. I don’t know how or where to fit them in but truthfully, other than playing my ps4 I don’t seem to have much time for anything else but yet I know I do but where is it?
I think I’m overwhelmed and the solution to the equation would seem to be to find time and space for yourself but how does one do that and not disappoint those who are heavily invested in your life? How does one do that when all you want to do is just be but have no place or space to do so?
I’ve tried to balance it all, I’ve tried to be understanding and I’ve tried to see it from different perspectives. I know that I’ve been giving it 100% and yet it doesn’t feel good enough, I don’t feel good enough and that’s exhausting because I know I am but here I am questioning where I went wrong and how to get on top.
I guess the fact that I’m even writing this is a good step but I’m only writing this because I’m out of solutions, suggestions and ideas. I’m only writing this because I’m hoping my voice comes back to me through this. 2016 has not been a bad year but it has been a year of struggles but I am growing so I guess there’s that. Many relationships and things have declined because of my exhaustion and for the first time in a very long time I’m questioning whether or not I have what it takes to hold it all together. So many more words I could write and I’ve never been afraid to write or post so I wrote this and I posted it….so be it. #stepintherightdirection
“It was hell to be so tired, and still care.”
― Lois McMaster Bujold,