Dating & Relationships

I Know What I Need and It’s Uncomfortable

I know what I need and I won’t settle for anything less

We’ve all heard this above statement plenty of times throughout our  adult life and it’s very likely that you have uttered these words to your friend. Most often this statement is spoken when someone ask another person why they’re single. It’s true, join any relationship social media group and you’ll quite easily find different people with different backgrounds and with a different ethnicity commenting the various things they need from someone they’re considering to be in a relationship with. It matters not who they are, they all seem to  know what they need.

You’ve seen it right? Let’s be honest, you’ve said it as well, am I right? I’ve said it and I’ve been saying it for years. Question, what does this statement really mean? “I know what I need and won’t settle for less”.  In short it suggests that we can confidently say  you’ve experienced enough bad relationships to know what you don’t need. Typically the things we say we need are  all the same things that we all say. Let’s name a few, What are they? Trust, great communication, appreciation, great sex, goal-oriented, funny, likes to travel, attentive, non-cheating,non-clinging and attractive. Sound familiar?

Of course it does you’ve said it and these are only a few of things people say they need, but what happens when you finally meet someone who gives you the things you said you needed?  Now granted, the chances of finding a companion who gives you 100% of what you said you need are about the same chances we all had of winning that billion dollar lottery in early January 2016. So let’s understand that when I ask “what happens when you find someone who gives you what you said you needed” I’m speaking about that 90% percent criteria or for some, that 80-20 rule. What should happen is that we easily embrace this million dollar ticket, it should be like hitting the lottery. It should literally change your life in a major way.

The truth is however, that most people will find a reason to not be with the person who is finally giving them what they said they needed. Why? Because they never expected to finally find someone who truly fits what they said they needed and at first it makes them uncomfortable.  And what do most people do when something makes them feel uncomfortable? They run from it and go back to what has been comfortable.  I was speaking about this to a few of my friends not too long ago in regards to my very own NEW relationship. I was  explaining to them that I need to get use to being with someone who truly adores me. I’ve never experienced that in my life! Like you, I’ve known for a very long time what I needed from someone I’m dating because I knew what turned me off from dating PLENTY of women in my life time and something was always a miss so I remained single for quite some time before changing my mentality a couple of years ago. But I knew my needs…

  • A woman who appreciates me
  • A woman who is authentic
  • A woman who isn’t scared to say they want to see me
  • A woman who will plan a date
  • A woman who will pay for a date
  • A woman who accepts my vices (like playing my ps4)
  • A woman who has her own life
  • A woman who works hard
  • A woman who looks at me like I changed her world
  • A woman who is sexy
  • A woman who listens
  • A woman who doesn’t have to always be right
  • A woman who can communicate
  • A woman who is confident
  • A woman who would initiate sex

Replace woman with “man” and I’m sure you’ll agree that you need these things as well. I began dating a woman who  did and/or does these things and I found myself being a little uncomfortable in the beginning. I found myself asking, why is she so in to me? Something had to be wrong with either her or myself because I couldn’t believe dating could be this easy. Why would this person adore me? As if I wasn’t good enough to have this person. I almost went into sabotage mode and if it hadn’t been for my self-awareness I likely would have cut her off. The ego is a dangerous thing and it will lead you to believe that nothing worth having comes easy but that’s not always the case.  In this particular truth the dating process should be easy but it’s often not because we find more reason’s not to be with someone instead of reason’s to be with them. We find reason’s to self sabotage it and then disguise it as “they just weren’t the right person for me

The truth is, people are more comfortable being single than they are at accepting someone who’s trying to be part of their life. But reader, finding love  is never comfortable; it’s uncomfortable. Love makes you step outside of your comfort zone, it makes you do things you’ve never done before. Many tend to forget this and many people tend to forget that there are genuine people in this world who want what you want and can see a good catch from miles away. They can see their million dollar ticket to a healthy relationship and when they do they go both feet in. And believe it or not it’s not as rare as we think, it just so happens we’ve been blinded by false information in the dating world. But yes; getting what you need is uncomfortable….at first.

This is why it’s important for all of us to know exactly what it is that we need and to not just say what we think sounds good or even worse, to say things you’ve heard other people say and didn’t truly examine. Know your needs and know when you’re dating someone who’s giving those needs to you. They most likely won’t be able to give you all of them (and neither will you for them) but if it’s at least 80% then it’s worth you giving it 100%, trust me on that.  Ultimately it may not work out in the end, hell it may not work out with my woman but I’ll be able to say I lived in the uncomfortableness of my needs and gave it my best shot and that’s all that you can ask for.

Let’s be honest, many of you haven’t experienced having a person who gives you what you need, only people who don’t give you enough of what you need and you still try harder to make the less need work over the person who fits the mold. I’m convinced that the reason there are thousands of people single rather than in loving, healthy relationships is because of two reasons.

  1. Their mentality is wrong 
  2. They ran from what they say they needed

Don’t be afraid of a successful relationship. No matter how dysfunctional it’s been in the past you deserve a person and a relationship that functions properly. Stop making excuses and change your mentality (often needed in many areas) and run towards the person giving you what you need. Enjoy the moment(s) no matter long it last and allow those moments to enhance your life in ways that will benefit you and the next person you end up dating if it doesn’t work out in the end. In closing, don’t confuse your wants with your needs and don’t try to make something work with someone who fails to give you your basic human needs. You’ve been down that comfortable road before. Where you have not been is in the space of true adoration and appreciation. I don’t know what love looks like but I do know for that someone who NEEDS love it surely doesn’t look like single……..and that should make you feel uncomfortable.













  1. I keep trying to figure out HOW I should change my mentality and the only thing I can think of is when my father told me, ” You can’t think like that. You can’t think there are no more men.” And THAT has been my problem. Just because I have been exposed to a lot of boys who lack the qualities and characteristics of a man doesn’t mean they are not out there. In my mind, at the age of 32, I have always believed that the man who has my similar mentality and who is for me, might be married already. I find it really hard to believe that someone who brilliant, educated, well-spoken, a gentleman, loves to workout, a Man of God , AND knows how to handles his finances is single. With the statistics of 1 man to 7 women, I find it mind blowing for a man with gray qualities to be single. In my mind that is rare. Now as for a woman, it is not hard to find a female with those qualities. They are everywhere!

    I see now where my mind needs to shift. God is not a God of statistics. He is a God who relies on faith. And if you lack it, you don’t receive anything.

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