Dating & Relationships Growth Moments

Soul Mover: The Words Unsaid

So there I was listening to what this beautiful woman who had been part of my life for the last month and half was saying. She was trying to explain to me how she feels we had got to the point  we were at and all I could think about was moving on. Not moving on from her but instead, just moving on from the issue at hand.  It wasn’t that I didn’t care, it was the fact that I didn’t think it mattered enough to still be causing the divide between us.

I felt it slipping away but I felt I had done everything that I could to get back the smoothness that we had.  I wanted to get back to the intimate moment of sharing a bath together and relaxing. But I felt it slipping away even after I admitted my mistakes that caused her worry and vowed to improve (and i did). I did things for her to try to help the insecurities she showed. I even told her she was important to me and I showed her as well (so I thought). What I wanted in return was a simple action and a simple phrase and all would have been okay, at least for me. For her, only she can understand what would have made it okay.

Understand, all that I needed her to say was “you’re important to me baby and I’m going to do this for you”. But those precious  words and invaluable act never came. It was on that early Saturday morning as I stood in her entry way looking into her teary eyes that I knew it was gone. That’s when I realized I was dating someone who hadn’t yet decided if  I were  important enough for her but yet wanted to be assured that she was important to me. A few days later, we were done, my decision. I decided to walk away  because we had just spent 2 weeks dealing with the same issue and now she see’s me as a bad person who lied to her about the guy that I am and bad mouths me.

This is not the whole story but it is the entire truth of half of the story. And it’s important to remember that the story being told is always told from the perspective of the story-teller. I tell you these intimate parts of the story so that you can understand the rest of this entry and so that you can truly understand the meaning when I ask you, Do actions always speak louder than words?

I’m by no means a perfect man. I’ve never claimed to be and I never claim to have all the answers but I do know what peace looks like in human relationships. More importantly, I understand what doesn’t work for me because I’ve experienced enough of what I don’t need. We all believe that actions speak louder than words but looking back at the story I just told you about, actions didn’t speak louder. Likely not for her and definitely not for me.

Prior to that moment of standing in front of her and walking out the door without a hug, I was ready to be in a relationship with her.  I had moved on from the issues and decided that it was worth giving a chance, even with the concerns that I had. I wanted her and none of the other things mattered. The only thing that mattered in that moment would had been her reaching out and grabbing me and saying “baby, you’re important to me and I’m going to reach out and do what you are asking because I care for you” and I would have stayed.

Instead, the door closed behind me with ease,she didn’t come after me and not another meaningful word was spoken until three days later. So I ask you, are actions always a better indicator for care and love? Clearly it’s not. We can’t overlook the importance of words. They are powerful indicators of positive energy as well as negative energy but they can be a powerful reinforcement for making a cloudy situation clear.  How much damage do we do with the words that go unsaid? How much damage do we do with the words that are said the incorrect way? 

How much more stronger would our relationships be if we can learn to make our words and actions speak at the same decibel? To make them be heard at the deepest and quietest levels. When things fall apart we can listen to what others say is the truth or we can listen for ourselves and decide why things either fall together or fall apart. In my circumstance I tried to block out the noise from others and see it and hear it for myself. In any of your relationships you have to do this because if you can’t hear what your significant other, family or friend is saying to you, it will seem like you and they are speaking different languages.

I remember as a young boy always telling my mom that I loved her and as I got older I began to say it less and less. It wasn’t because I didn’t love my mom, it was because I just figured she already knew. Then one day my mom asked me. “baby, why don’t you ever tell me you love me” and I said “momma, I don’t know but you know I do”. And she said, “son, even though I know you love me, I still need to hear it”.  From that day on, even until this day, when I am about to finish the conversation with my mom I say “I love you”.

Even though in some instances with my woman friend I felt like I was important, there were many times where I just needed to hear it. And it’s true that I could have asked why she never  said “you are important to me” but in that moment as I stood there, I felt lost. I felt unwanted and I felt like it wasn’t warranted. So instead I said “you need to figure out what this is because this can’t keep happening”. I do not lay claim to be perfect or non-emotional and it’s true that I  was hurt by her actions and lack of verbal affection as I stood there wondering what else could I do but even the hardest of us, need to be reassured.

Imagine reader,  if we can learn to combine both our actions and words into a smooth melody we will be able to move souls for eternity.  Don’t you want to be a soul mover? I know I do!  I encourage you to not always rely on someone’s action solely. It’s true that they do speak volumes but not always loudest. If we want to be better at relationships (intimate and non-intimate) we have to work on making sure our words and our actions align as perfect as we can get them each waking moment or simply being vulnerable enough to say them. And that’s the scary part of it all. Being able to stand face to face with the person you care for and speak  words that you yourself is unsure about how it will be taken. To speak words that leave you vulnerable.

Trust me, I believe in authenticity and trying to live one’s life as authentic as one can be without causing harm to another person’s mental stability. I don’t necessarily believe that 100% honesty is the best when dealing with emotional beings such as ourselves. I write openly so that together you and I can grow and learn. This is what life is about. Not about arguing, not about living in the past but instead experiencing the experiences that life gives us and moving forward. This is what I’m about and I know that I will get better with it. Hopefully those of you reading this will get better at such things as well. Speak quietly but make sure your words are heard and then back them up with your actions.

To my readers and followers,

Learn from this experience that you just read, apply it to your lives. Go Be SOUL MOVERS

To my friend whom I hope reads this,

I’m not the bad guy that you feel that I am. I am not a liar and I’m not one to waste anyone’s time, so I do apologize. I don’t always say the right words and I don’t always do the right actions but my heart is always in the right place (protecting the peace). The things that I don’t always say is an attempt at trying to protect what is sacred and from hurting feelings, it’s a balance that I have yet to figure out. This does not make me bad, this makes me human. 100% honesty has never been part of human nature . It’s unfortunate that things are what they are now but do know, it was you and me TO ME before it was a they. I cared enough to apologize even if I didn’t feel it was justified.  This is what people do who care for one another.

I cared for you, this is why I can still respect you but we were no longer on the same frequency and I felt like I tried to get it back, back on the right track. And even in that confused feeling of unwant and wanting, I stood there…waiting for your words to speak to my soul and to push away my doubts of non-importance to you.

But they never came and honestly? That’s the real reason I walked away, because actions don’t always speak louder than words, but combined? They can move my soul.

“Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, grows you, or makes you happy.”
Robert Tew

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