Where Growth Happens

The Harder Decisions In Life

“All you can do is make your decisions based on what you know now.”
Malinda Lo, Huntress

I made a decision last week that was neither easy nor comfortable. I struggled in making this decision for many reasons because I knew that no matter how good we think  we are at being a great communicator it’s never easy to end a relationship, regardless of the type of relationship. This can be working relationships, intimate relationships and non-intimate ones. It’s difficult because people can be saddened, disappointed or even angry by the words that are coming from your mouth. And it’s especially difficult for people who genuinely care about people’s feelings and their well-being. Let me be clear, when I say “relationship”  in regards to the type of relationship I ended I do not mean that I was involved in a committed relationship, where both people involved were exclusive. I simply mean a relationship that two people were spending time together in hopes of getting to know one another. In my case there was a level of intimacy involved as well.

When intimacy is involved in my life it means that I have thought about the positives and negatives of bringing this person in to my life. Now, it’s important to understand that one of the area’s of my life that I still find to be challenging is in trying to find someone to be in a healthy relationship with. I’ve learned a long time ago that anyone can be in a relationship but it takes  a conscious person to be in the RIGHT relationship for them. Personally, I spent two months trying to get to a point in the process that would lead me to a decision about moving to the next level. Two months may not seem like a long time for individuals who find themselves more often than not in longer relationships but for someone who has never been in a long-term relationship, two months of only dating one person seems long enough to make a solid decision.

Time exist in ways that we have yet to truly understand but we do know that any time that you spend with another is time that you will never get back. I read a quote yesterday from the great mind of Greek Philosopher Seneca and it reminded of just that fact. The quote was this

“life speeds by. Nothing, Lucilius, is ours, except time. We were entrusted by nature with the ownership of this single thing, so fleeting and slippery that anyone who will can oust us from possession. What fools these mortals be! They allow the cheapest and most useless things, which can easily be replaced, to be charged in the reckoning, after they have acquired them; but they never regard themselves as in debt when they have received some of that precious commodity, – time! And yet time is the one loan which even a grateful recipient can-not repay.” Seneca

It is unfair to the people we date or spend time with to use their time solely for our benefit. We  often take their time without taking time to make sure we want to be part of their life. I do my very best not to waste anyone’s “precious commodity” . So yes, after two months of dating this beautiful, well-rounded woman I decided it was best for me to step away from the relationship because I felt no closer to being able to commit more of me and my time and it would be unfair to continue to procrastinate what I was already feeling even though I truly want to be in a healthy relationship; but not enough so to make an unhealthy decision and that’s where making the harder decision’s must happen.

I tell you this life experience because I don’t believe in portraying something that I am not. I do not believe in pretending that I have it all together when I do not. I believe that being transparent for you and those who dare to think outside the box that my life experiences and growth moments will help you and others. The truth is, I could have easily continued to remain in the situation to see where it may lead but is that the healthy decision when deep inside I feel it was time? Is it healthy for me to have remained if I felt it was time to part ways? While I do believe that the most growth comes while we are living in the uncomfortable, I do not believe that situations that cause us to continue to question whether or not it’s right for us is good for your soul. If it doesn’t align in that moment in time then I’ve found that it’s best to remove yourself from the equation.

Understand, every situation is different but there needs to come a point in our lives (this has happened in my life) where we begin to make decisions not solely for ourselves but also for the benefit of others, because life on earth can’t always be about us.  However, through examination of the situation and through having honest conversations with ourselves, these  decisions will become clearer and will benefit both us and the people involved in the long run even if it’s unseen, unfelt and yet to be determined in the short-term.

I apply these Harder decision choices in any area of my life that I’m currently questioning or feeling uncomfortable with. Any area of my life that I feel restless, uneasy and not at peace with I make the harder decision about changing it. If I had to advise one thing only in this piece it would be that We shouldn’t force anything that doesn’t feel completely in harmony with our vibrations/ energy. When you look at your life and see area’s of it that don’t align with the vision you have for yourself, you have to make the harder decision to end it.

This is easier said than done. It’s easier to stay with what’s comfortable but again, where is the true growth in that? There are many people who are in the situation that they are in because not only do they refuse to make the harder decision, but they also refuse to acknowledge that there is an issue. The situation is pulling them down and they are having to over compensate with other things that they believe will balance out the imbalance in their lives. In truth, if they would make the decision to end it and then make the decision to follow through with it they would not have to pray more, meditate more, exercise more, visualize more, shop more, buy more, they would not need to find extra time for these things but as it stands in this present moment, they have to because they want someone else to make that decision for them or even worse, afraid of what others might think.

Align with the vision you see for yourself because the sad truth of life is that with every passing day, death is a little closer to us all. There is plenty of time to postpone, to procrastinate, to do less but wouldn’t it be better to accomplish more and to do more with that same amount of time? Doesn’t it make more sense to become the best version of yourself instead of the lesser version of yourself? And the best way to become the best that you have to offer is to make the harder decisions that continue to progress you forward, even if these decisions are a little scary.

Whatever situation or situations that you find yourself to be in, do not refrain from making the best choice for yourself, it is often the best choice for whomever else is involved as well. My friend was disappointed by my decision and quite honestly so was I. But  what’s more important? Getting it wrong or trying to get it right before we die?

“The problem, simply put, is that we cannot choose everything simultaneously. So we live in danger of becoming paralyzed by indecision, terrified that every choice might be the wrong choice.”
Elizabeth Gilbert, Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage

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Categorised in: Dating & Relationships, Growth Moments

3 Responses »

  1. Another well written article, Jay! I’m sorry you had to end it (no one likes to disappoint or hurt someone’s feelings), but I agree on all of the above. When I broke up with my boyfriend of many years, I felt guilty for ending it after so long, I felt like I was disappointing many people, and it would have been much, much, much easier to stay. But I know it would have been selfish to stay for those reasons alone and I didn’t want to waste my time nor his. Time is precious and, as you put it, I know I wasn’t the best me I could be by staying with him. Good for you for making the hard decision and doing what needed to be done to be the best you possible.

  2. *Walks into the spotlight, clears throat and picks up the microphone.*

    I’ll call this, “From the Muse’s Perspective.” Here are 5 responses to this article (and the situation). There are only 5 because, why not stay in keeping with the theme and LIMIT the amount of TIME spent on this. Lol, see what I did there? Cute right? *Pauses and takes a moment to sip her tea.*

    5. Agreed! Time is a precious commodity. Taking a whole year to make a decision is not advisable, trust me I know, but certainly 2 months of the lives of two socially-active, full-time working adults, living some distance apart and visiting each other once or twice a week is not quite enough time…speaking as someone who has had long term relationships of course. It truly is a matter of perspective.

    4. Making decisions on the behalf of others, on its face sounds noble but should probably only happen if a.) It’s your kid b.) Y’all married and the spouse is on life support c.) You are a horrible person and you are protecting them from you.

    3. Rhetorical question for the author: Why are you really “struggling to find someone to be in a healthy relationship with”? Maybe b/c you think a solid connection can be achieved in only 2 months. Maybe b/c you are stuck on the notion that every day you are “closer to death” and you are giving away time you can’t get back. Maybe you won’t allow yourself to go deeper. Maybe you feel you’ve done this so many times before that you are now rushing to avoid getting hurt or falling for yet another girl just to end up without her in the end. Finding love is a tough gamble I’ll give you that.

    2. Agreed! Definitely, do not spend unnecessary time in a place that doesn’t line up with your vision or where you feel it is time to part ways. But step outside that “moment” in time of difficulty and think on your overall goal… which I assume is to find that great, scary, wonderful thing called .. wait for it…LOVE *cue sounds of a harp playing. (Trying to keep it light here, I hope it is working). Discovering the famous “L” word takes investment, sacrifice and sometimes living outside your comfort zone.

    1. “If you quit before you (really) try you are twice defeated.” – Marcus Garvey. Logic as it relates to the situation or end of it rather- > Present the issue, create a strategy, work on it with all parties involved, assess results with said party … then if it doesn’t work make the ” harder decision” to walk away.

    With all that being said, from the Muse’s perspective, it came off as the easier decision really…’cause why deal with a slight challenge, why live outside the comfort zone … because nobody ever said anything worth having is worth fighting or at least making a real effort for. 😉 *Puts the microphone back on the stand and walks off stage left.*

    DISCLAIMER for the audience and author. The decision that was made was/is fully accepted and respected. After all, you have to take care of #1 first, which is your self. (Seriously, no sarcasm) There is no “love” lost…lol. The Muse is just simply giving the other perspective. I thought the readers might be interested. Good luck to the next lady. He truly is a great guy!

    • I think that I wasn’t clear enough in what I meant in regards to making choices that will benefit the other person in the long run. I simply mean by stopping now will prevent the heart ache that is surely to come down the road regardless because the person is likely to leave anyway. Noble or not that is the truth. I agree with a lot of points but not the statements about death or that I’m worried about losing the woman and not because I’ve done this before. I appreciate the feedback and the comments and hopefully those who read will come away with a new perspective.

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