Where Growth Happens

Modern Day Dating: Tips For The Modern Age Dater

Let’s be honest, Dating has become almost unbearable for most of the single people out there. Unless you are simply looking for sexual encounters (nothing wrong with that) or not ready for a serious commitment (nothing wrong with this either) most have given up hope of finding a potential mate.

If you were to sit beside a table of women and be nosy you would hear how there aren’t any good men left and that men don’t want to put in work anymore. Grab a seat on the bench in the nearest gym and pretend to push weight you’ll hear guys say women are even more confused about what they want and don’t know what they need. It would seem that all single people are living on different planets; planets that seem to be light years away from one another.

Is there a disconnect? Yes, absolutely. Is it the end of loving relationships? No, absolutely not, but there is work to be done by all of the single people tired of playing the dating game each month only to fail at the end due to lack of communication and honest actions. It begs the question, why continue to play the game when you never win?

The answer is simple; because we want companionship that leads to being loved. To give up on love would be to give up on a dream that’s rooted in your core and for all of us who desire this connection, giving up on love is unacceptable.  Times have changed, it’s time to stop denying this. The blueprint that our parents followed no longer works for the modern day dater because we have evolved to more complicated people who are more disconnected from each other because of the invention of text messaging, social media and pure laziness.

In our defense though, there is a lot of bullshit(pardon my English) out there and we’re all tired of the nonsense that comes a long with dating in modern terms. So we would rather spend time by ourselves instead of fixing the main problem; but that doesn’t help us find someone to spend the rest of our life with. So let’s attack the issue head on why don’t we?

Modern day daters have added so much fluff to the dating game that we aren’t even strong enough to cut the next slice of bread; and if you can’t cut the next slice how do you even know if you have the best thing? (like what I did there?. Best thing since slice) So let me help both men and women so that at least some of you can find love.

The tips below are for both men and women because I’m against generalization in most cases because I believe that at our core we all want and need the same things when it comes to relationships. Want to be a happier version of you in the “The Dating Game”? Start with these when you are dating someone brand new and you will.

  1. Be Honest about your intentions: Are you dating with a purpose or are you casually dating. Understand that it’s very hard to go from C.D to E.D (exclusively dating)
  2. Show Genuine Interest :Call instead of text. Return phone calls. Ask to see one another. In a busy world, establishing a connection outside of Facebook is important)
  3. Be available if they are :If you come across as not available it’s a sign that you aren’t interested. People make time for the things they want in their life. (especially on the weeknds)
  4. Stand Out: If you are dating multiple people then chances are so is the person you’re interested in and even if you aren’t, they probably are. What is going to make you stand out from the crowd? And if you just thought “my looks”, you’re in big trouble. You have to bring something else to the table that others are not.
  5. Be Yourself/Authentic: Don’t pretend to be something that you aren’t. Don’t send your impersonator, eventually the real you will have to be seen. Either they will like you or they won’t but you still have to like you.
  6. Pay Attention: There are red flags all the time. Stop ignoring them. If their actions don’t match their words it’s a sign of a disconnect
  7. Clearly Communicate:  No one can read minds and it’s easier to assume but we often assume incorrectly. I never met someone who regretted saying something, only people who regretted not saying anything. Remember it’s not what you say but how you say it.
  8. Be Appreciative: Ever met someone who didn’t want to be appreciated? Me neither. If someone calls you, takes you out, pays for dinner, ask to see you or anything that requires their time, say thank you.
  9. Take a chance: If the signs are right and the person see’s you for who you are and is still around? Take a chance even if you are scared of the knocking on the door. Who has ever found love knocking on their door without first having to get off the couch to see who it is?
  10. Know your worth: Don’t allow anything that doesn’t sit well with you to continue to exist. People only do what we allow them to do. If they treat you badly, or don’t respect your time, is trying to be with them worth it in the long run?
  11. Halt Expectations:  We often place our own expectations on to others. That’s not fair to the person we are dating. Don’t expect others to do what you would do or to want what you want. Give it time to breath, to sort itself out. Everyone you go out with is not meant to be your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife. Expect expectations when you become exclusive. Until then have fun
  12. Be strong enough to walk away: I learned a valuable lesson as a manager years ago that I applied to my dating life and it’s this. “You do more harm to someone and the company(yourself) by keeping them around instead of letting them go”. They aren’t going to grow, they aren’t going to be happy and eventually the inevitable is going to happen. Don’t get comfortable just because you don’t want to start over. Take the lesson’s learned and move on.
  13. Stop Picking People a part: Find more reason’s to be with someone instead of reason’s not to be with someone (if it makes sense). No one is going to be 100% of what you think you want or where you think you want your partner to be. Remember, they have to take a chance on you as well and we all know you have a few quirks about you that are downright scary.
  14. Reciprocate:  No one who truly wants a loving relationships wants to be with someone who just takes, takes and takes. Take your head out of your own butt and return the gestures that are being given to you, regardless of the stage of the dating process. Be a giver, not a taker. Be selfless not selfish. Plan a date, offer to buy dinner. Give back what is being given and sometimes more. If they are not willing to do #14 after you do #7 then you do #12.
  15. Stop Playing Games:  The game will always be played but that doesn’t mean you have to play along with it. There are the rules made by others and there are the rules made by you. When you see the game is being played, make an educated decision about whether you want to participate or exit stage left. Remember, know your worth.
  16. Ask Questions: I’ve never seen a generation claim to be so bold and yet so afraid to ask what they want to know. It’s never too soon to ask what you want to know. If a question scares someone away, good riddens. Ask so that you aren’t stuck in limbo and then listen to their answer. People always tell who they are and if they don’t,  they will always show you afterwards. 

By no means are these tips the be all and end all and they might not find you a boo within the month, hell, maybe not even a year but they will help you become a happier you in the dating world and at the end of the day, that’s all that really matters. Good luck!

 

 

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12 Responses »

  1. Thanks Jay, that was deep and on point

  2. Is there a disconnect? Absolutely. Women want one thing and men want something else. No one wants to work anymore to be in a relationship. No one wants to compromise anymore. Men aren’t built the way they used to be and neither are women but yet we strive for the same things we expect that doesn’t seem to exist. I think your list of things to do is a good one but it doesn’t get to the core of the problem which is another beast in itself. I think a good book to this day is “Men are from mars and women are from venus”. If we really want to begin to understand the opposite sex in order to build a relationship with them we have to put in the time and energy to do so. However, we must first analyze ourselves. Figure out who we are and what we want and then determine if who we are is what the opposite sex is looking for. If not. then we need to make some changes. My friend told me once “I am the common denominator in my failed relationships” Hummm dont that cut deep?!

    • Absolutely, again these are just tips for dating and truthfully any stage of a relationship. To write a entry about the core would take more than one entry but these things will help in dating. It will help ease the stress from it all. Smart friend, we should never look over the common denominator in any area of our lives. It always starts with us

    • We also have to stop thinking about what men think and what women think. It’s what people think, say and do. Just because men and women think differently in some aspects doesn’t mean it’s that way in all aspects and furthermore doesn’t mean that we can’t do a better job at communicating what we are thinking.

  3. Good post, Jay. I also think it’s important to know your worth yet be realistic at the same time. You shouldn’t “expect” someone to bring prime rib to the table if you are only bringing $1 baloney sandwiches (and content with it).
    The nickel looking for a dime mentality.

  4. I liked the article and you had some valid points. Personally, at this point in the game, I’m just trying to enrich myself with human connections and understanding the human spirit. (men, women, children, elders, etc.) I’m striving to make new friends, getting to know people and their personal stories and enjoying their company. I don’t believe in finding ‘the one’ or my ‘soulmate’ because I don’t believe in that fairy tale stuff (which unfortunately was ingrained in our brains since we are young – especially women). I will piggyback on what Gen said though – it has scientifically been proven that men and women’s brains not only function differently, they are also physically different – and that in itself explains what is going on – it’s not that we both ‘want’ different things consciously – it’s that subconsciously our primal instincts are that of 2 different species – although we are both part of the human race. Thrown into the mix social media, advanced technology, and an abundance of ‘options’ and being part of this new society of ‘instant gratification’ … well, yes, it’s definitely a recipe for what is occurring now and why dating has become even more difficult within this new Millennium. I think once people understand the logistics of it and the science behind it – people’s perspectives and expectations might subside a bit – and just learn to live in the moment, day to day, takes things as they come, accept them – but also make a good effort with a potential mate that might be a good fit for you if the opportunity presents itself. My 10 cents.

    • Yes I agree with you both, men and women are wired differently in some areas and definitely primal instincts. But the basic building blocks? What do we (men and women) want? Respect, appreciation love, to be wanted, to be needed or to me a nurturer, to have connection. We all want this. If we can learn to understand these things and listen to these things dating comes easier. Everything else is learning to listen, communicate and act upon.

    • I’m a lot like you Michelle. I enjoy the moments and enjoy learning about people. Sometimes that’s good enough for me

  5. So many people need to read this and actually they also need to accept and do those things stated. Great points and tips Jay.

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