Where Growth Happens

It’s not all bad (but there’s a hole somewhere)

I found myself laying on the couch last night intermingling my attention between the NBA, Mad Men(tv show) and exchanging a “text conversation” with a few different women who I’ve recently met. Do not ask me how I managed to pull of this feat of attention awareness but  I guess after being single for three years and having to do the “getting to know you” part of dating  over and over it becomes second nature, sorta like riding a bike…I think.

I mean; practice does make better so I guess I’ve reached the climax of my attention skills (or not) but here I was laying on the couch and thoroughly enjoying the moment when all of a sudden I had a question formulate itself in my mind (without my permission mind you). The thought was…this must be my season because for the first time since living here in St. Pete, Florida I actually have “options” that I really like when it comes to getting to know a woman.

Now I’m sure when you hear the word options a thought formulates in your mind (lol) that say’s “player”. I would like to take a moment to help you disperse of that false symbolism. Do you mind? I for years would date (get to know) multiple women at the same time. I didn’t see anything wrong with this, besides, why put all your eggs in one basket? Especially a basket that clearly has a hole made to the exact specifications for the eggs I were putting in the basket?

I did this for years (dating options) and I still found myself  crumbled, frustrated and single as the one dollar bill in your pocket that wouldn’t go into the vending machine. Just all messed up and mad at myself for even trying.  So middle of last year I decided that hey, it’s time for a change because CHANGE IS GOOD (especially for vending machines). I said Jay “it’s time to get to know one woman at a time because hey it works for other people so it’s gotta work for you”.  So I’ve been taking one precious egg at a time that I felt was worthy of cultivating and placed it in this aforementioned basket with this Hell hole and do you know what happened? The same thing! lol…jokes on all of us! Every single egg placed in that basket found that damn hole.

You’re probably asking why not just patch the hole Jay? Well, apparently the hole that is there is not meant for me to fix (some holes you can’t fill) so I didn’t get bitter though or frustrated (like many of my women sistren) I simply decide to move on to the next egg and hope that her specifications didn’t fit the hole and that she wasn’t a square.

Side note,  I’ve never understood why women complain so much about the dating life.

Trust me it’s just as bad for the men who GENUINELY want a relationship, are nice guys and can put it down in the bedroom. But um ladies last time I checked, you get to go on a plethora of dates and NEVER have to pay a dime. What are you complaining about? Okay, so you spent two-three hours(if he’s lucky) with someone who you decide you don’t click with. Question, what was the alternative exactly? Sitting in the house watching netflix?  Do you want to switch roles and you pay for every date? If so, let me know, I might happen to know millions of men that would gladly switch with you and not call you back afterwards.

So about that hole, as I sat there on the couch performing Jedi Mind tricks I decided that it’s better to have multiple eggs in the basket than only one when it comes to “getting to know someone”. Though they all have the potential to fall through the hole, I have a better chance to remove the “spoiled” eggs myself and catch the golden egg before the ill fated drop happens( or put some duck tape on that bad boy). Seriously, who doesn’t like options?

Show me a person who doesn’t like options and I’ll show you a person who owns more than one pair of shoes. Don’t like options you say? Try running 4 miles in dress shoes…go head. I’ll wait! The point is options aren’t always bad. It just depends on your perspective of it and what you need them for.

It’s not all bad having multiple dating partners. I mean I’ve tried it both ways and I must say having multiple people to get to know versus having just one? Is ten times better (unless you’re paying of course). We live in a world where the majority of the people who are dating don’t even know whether or not they want to be in a relationship. Honestly I’m beginning to think more and more that women have taken on the perspective of most men in the sense of actually not wanting a relationship but instead just someone to spend time with. But could that just be a ploy. Is it ladies? hmm?

I like when things are to my advantage and my options are good right now and I feel like it’s my season when it comes to dating. I haven’t felt like that in a very long time at least not in three years but maybe my dating profile is just too good? That’s it!! My user name is “outsideurcomfortzone” and my profile says the following..

“I am often asked, what does my username mean? Well, can love be found living in a comfort zone? Can love remain once we become comfortable? Does true progression happen inside or outside a comfort zone? I’m the type of man who will encourage you to step outside of what you know. I’m the type of man who will encourage you to think better, to be better and to do better. I’m the type of man that will encourage you to enjoy life and to relax, whether that’s beside me or in your own “me time” space. You wont find me in the comfort zone you’ve been looking for a man in, no, I’m right outside of it..come find me.

And when you do, you’ll see that I’m passionate, I’m fun, I’m emotional, I’m emotionally available, I’m caring and that I’m very much a real man. Truthfully, like you, I’m so much more but I am not without my flaws. I’m looking for you, that is if you are a good woman. Are you looking for me? 

I hope this profile makes sense and connects with at least one of your senses. I wish you well in your online dating….it’s quite scary…..so I’ve heard) 

Shall we converse? Inbox me”

That’s good right? It has to be because my inbox has been blowing up!!!  Ladies don’t you know by now to not fall for what someone says and instead go by their actions? Luckily for these ladies I am who I am and I am (if nothing else) a man of my words.  So it’s not all bad in this dating world. Can it be tricky?  Can it be frustrating? Can it be boring? Yes! Yes! and Yes to all the negative things that it can be. But  can it also be simple, encouraging and exciting and all the positive things as well? YES, YES and Yes. It just depends on what your perspective, what you’re looking for and whether or not you are being honest about the entire process.

I’ll be honest, I don’t have all of this figured out but show me someone who does and….never mind I already used that line but you get the point and if you don’t, the point is whether you have one egg in the basket or five it doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you are smart enough to pull the egg out of the basket that will feed you the most.

That’s the tricky part isn’t it? Just because you might feel that someone is the someone you can see yourself being with, doesn’t mean that they will see you as the someone they see themselves being with. And that’s no slight towards you or them, some things aren’t meant to be, some people aren’t meant to be boyfriends, girlfriends or husbands and wives. And I’m okay with that. Sometimes we have to take the expectations out of the equation and allow things to develop how they naturally do.

When we throw our expectations on to other people and don’t allow them to be who they are or do what they normally do in a dating situation it can create an awkward situation or send mixed signals about what’s going on in that moment, which in turn can cause people to slip through the  crack/hole that quite possibly they shouldn’t have.

So I’m embracing what I do naturally and going to enjoy this; especially if it’s truly my season. Heck I don’t know how many season’s like this are coming my way! Hopefully this time around the rooster and the hen created an egg made for my plate…..

1 Response »

  1. Stick with it! Watch for the “good one” right in front of you. Sometimes we keep thinking the grass is greener over there. But if someone has most of your “must have’s” then it’s a good time to work on building a relationship.
    If you’re with someone who wants to make a relationship work as much as you do, don’t seek perfection, but rather seek perfect communication and perfect compromise.
    wishing you all the best.
    BTW: who are you rooting for in the NBA finals? My son and I are rooting for Thunder. KD is the best! (although we wish we could be rooting for our home team – Boston – they’ve got a long way to go. Hopefully they get a good draft pick tonight!)

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