Where Growth Happens

Reciprocation Denied: The Turn Off

The number one way to get maximum results from someone is to show appreciation for. It is a known fact that if you appreciate someone, then that someone will reciprocate even more (unless they are selfish). And even though many people seem to understand this very few people apply it when dating(especially in the early stages. I can say this with absolute confidence because in my personal experiences and in conversations had there  seems to be an inability for people to connect this day and age when it comes to dating.Look around and you can see it, talk to your friends and you will hear it and I don’t say that lightly or without regard to the many people who have had no issue in the dating world. Me personally I’d like to call myself an experienced dater, but like others I can’t lay claim that I’m a successful dater because if you are a successful dater then you aren’t single.

I’ve been single longer than I’d like to admit and was in an unhealthy relationship prior to that which unfortunately lasted on and off again for years. It wasn’t all bad in this unhealthy relationship, it simply wasn’t what I envisioned a healthy relationship to be. Also, I won’t go as far to say that it wasn’t what I needed because I believe every relationship and situation we find ourselves to exist in, is what we need at that moment in time in life.

I learned a lot of things about myself in that relationship that I’ve been able to carry over into the dating world. For example, I’ve learned to be patient and considerate to the fact that everyone is not going to communicate the way that I do. We all communicate differently and thanks to the ever-changing world we live in, understanding where people are and what they want seems to be more cloudy than ever. Case in point, the staggering amount of people who are “single”. I hear very often from my women friends about how bad it is out there and how it appears to be “no good men left” or that men “play too many games”. I think it’s more than that though. I think it’s less to do with playing games and more about both men and women not being able to connect simply because we don’t know how to connect anymore. The lines of communication have either been cut or have been buried so deep it could be considered dead.

Now, we could blame this on the technology that exist or we can take ownership as to why men too feel disconnected from women. Truth is, there isn’t an exact science to figuring it out. But no matter the excuse,is it really a good excuse? Is technology such as text messaging the reason why people can’t be successful in finding a mate? Or is it simply because people don’t truly want to put the work in to finding love.  We hear the perspectives of women all the time, but are women listening to the perspectives of the men who are truly trying?

I can only walk in the shoes that I own, which means I can only speak about the inability for people to connect based on the perspective of myself and my issues with not being able to connect with women in the dating world. I would never try to speak for all men, but I’m not alone in this thinking and in the experiences I’m encountering. Here is the issue and the major turn off, are you ready?Too many women aren’t returning the favor when it come’s to showing the man who is pursuing them the same level of interest that the man is giving. For a lot of the men I talk to who are truly trying to find a significant other, they are turned off by this. Trust me ladies, it is a bigger issue than you realize and too many men are too proud to say that they need to feel appreciated.

Ladies, you may not want to admit this or put the work in for this, but the truth of the matter is men NEED to feel wanted just as much (if not more) than women. I’m not sure what has caused men and women to have this inability to truly connect, but I’m positive it’s a multitude of things that play a factor in the end result  but there is always a root cause.  What is the root cause as to why I’m experiencing a lack of reciprocation? It could be simply me. Maybe I am the root cause. We should never blame others until we first explore ourselves. And in this case I have, it is not me. My approach in dating, is transparency and authenticity. I don’t play games as they say. I don’t wait a few days to call or text. I call more than I text, I ask when can I see you again, I open car doors, I pull out seats(when applicable). I am a gentleman, these are the things I do for every woman I date.

What I need in return is for two of these things to be reciprocated and those two things are asking to see me and calling me as much as I call. Believe it or not this is not happening and when this happens, I fade myself out. For some reason people have decided to follow rules that do not work when it comes to dating. Should I call or shouldn’t I call? Should I say I like you or should I not? Should I offer to pay for dinner or should I not? This little advice is for men and women combined, do what you feel is natural and stop trying to guess. Ladies, start showing the guy’s some attention.

We get it, you are self efficient (independent) and don’t need a man but want a man. However, I can tell you from experience that there isn’t a bigger turn off than a woman who says or shows she doesn’t need a man.  If you don’t need me, then I have no real desire to want to be there, therefore you won’t even get half of me. Call it what you may but men have to be needed and I’m not speaking of monetary ways. Emotionally,  and intimately is more than enough. There is a way to make a man feel needed without coming across as needy, which not many women these day’s want to be labeled as.

So, Is it women having the mentality that they don’t need a man the root cause as to why men fade out of the picture after just a few dates? Doubtful, because truthfully, most people don’t really know what they want because often times it is presented to them and they still find a reason as to why it can’t be instead of why it can be. This is an internal issue based around unconscious fear more than external reasoning, but we shouldn’t ignore the fact that all people want to be appreciated. Ladies, if you don’t show a man that you want him, that you appreciate him and that you won’t reciprocate his efforts then you rarely are going to find a man who is willing to continue with you in the dating phase. We will always mentally check out but physically remain.

We have to stop playing games when it comes to our lives and  especially when it comes to love. The line of communication tends to be difficult for most individuals, so why would we want to add another layer to it that causes both parties to have to guess more? By not showing your interest, by not making time for your interest it is a clear sign of communication that say’s “not interested”.  The retort that I often hear about doing this, is that people are going to still play the game even when you don’t play the game. I say this; people only do what you allow them to do. If someone is not doing what you need them to do you have a few choices. To either continue to allow it, to let it be known or to walk away from it.

I always choose to let it be known regardless of the stage that the woman and I are in when it comes to dating. And if after I let it be known about what I need from her and she continues to do the opposite, then I choose to fade out and here lately that has been happening way too much to my liking. But what else can I do if I don’t feel needed? What else should I do if she isn’t showing me her interest simply because she “believes” that men should continue to chase.

Yes, it’s true that men are hunters, but just like women we are multifaceted people who too are providers and emotional being’s. To deny us the feeling of being needed is to deny us the chance to provide for you. And like any other hunter in the jungle (for lack of a better phrase) when rejected, we move on to the next available being. What I’m suggesting ladies is not rocket science nor will it put you in harm’s way, but it just may find you the man you so desire.  If the man you reciprocate for does not appreciate it, then it is his loss only and never your own (unless you choose to stay in it); because it is always best to put good energy first instead of false energy.

Here are Ten dating tips for men and women
1. Be Authentic
2. Reciprocate the energy
3. Cater to the ego (we all have one)
4. Laugh when on dates
5. Don’t be afraid to initiate contact
6. Call instead of texting
7. Ask to see them again
8.Be Vulnerable
9. Be Available
10. Remember that people only do what you allow them to do or NOT DO.

Tagged as: , , , , , ,

4 Responses »

  1. Jay, I’m not sure what the problem is with folks communicating these days. I personally appreciate the tip about calling over texting. I’m tired of texting being the preferred method of “communication”. It might be communication, but it doesn’t come across as authentic to me.

    Aside from that, good point about being vulnerable. I don’t think men and women allow themselves to truly be vulnerable anymore. Transparency is a relic of the past. Once people know stuff about you, they see you differently and the dynamics change. Some run; a few remain.

    Nevertheless, the REAL people stick around when things (we) get messy and ugly. Those are the people I want in my life. I want a man who isn’t afraid of my limitations. I want to believe he’s out there somewhere. And I hope I’m not too dense to recognize him if/when he shows up.

    Having said all that, here are my questions.

    1) Have we (as a culture) lost sight of the obvious (genuine interest)?
    2) Are we waiting on a signal or sign that’s already been delivered?

    IDK

    • I believe there is a time and place for texting but I don’t think it should be the preferred way of communicating. Where is the personal touch there? Hearing someone’s voice over seeing someone’s text will always make someone feel more connected. I refuse to let transparency fade away, I spent too much time hiding who I really was only to get the same results? What’s the point? I decided years ago to let people see me for who I am, goofy, sexy or whatever they may think and be okay with it.

      To answer your questions.

      I do believe we have lost sight of genuine interest. It’s like the entire world has ADD and refuses to get help. One moment they are interested but the next they aren’t. Women are also “playing the field” these days. Not wanting to commit in hopes that BETTER is coming along. I think often times the person that can be for us (already delivered) is over looked because we say we aren’t ready, or this person doesn’t have this or that.

      There is not a better sign than the one when a persons actions says “here I am, ready to be part of your life”. But in order for the person to see that sign they must be willing to stand on the edge…

  2. Do you mind if I quote a few of your posts as long as I provide credit and
    sources back to your weblog? My website is in the very same area of
    interest as yours and my visitors would genuinely benefit from a lot
    of the information you provide here. Please let me know if this alright with
    you. Thanks!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Tweet Me

Follow me on Twitter

%d bloggers like this: