Where Growth Happens

Domestic Violence: Weak Men and The People Who Accept it

I come from a family where domestic violence has tormented multiple women in my family. I could tell you the story of how I watched my mom get beat by my dad when I was a young boy and I could tell you the story of my older sister and how she too was beat by her ex husband but I won’t(at least not yet)because this isn’t about me and my personal disgust with violence, this is about all of us. This is about how much of our society have decided to not only turn the other cheek when it comes to domestic violence but have accepted it as okay in many area’s of the world, some of those areas being right here in the United States.

Back on February 20th, 2014 I made this statement in a Sports Blog on Facebook in regards to the most latest Domestic Violence that was in the news. {Please excuse my language but I believe in transparency}

“Ray Rice knocked his fiancée out. I no longer have any respect for this man. What you do on the field means way less to me than what you do off it. I associate men who hit women on the same level as men who are on the down low..both are bitch actions. I hit a woman once in my life, I was eighteen and it was my older sister (whom I was bigger than) and I felt like a bitch ass right afterwards and vowed never to hit another woman again and I haven’t. I now walk away or avoid women like that energy. Grown ass men know better and what’s sad is Ray Rice is going to get off with just a slap on the wrist, why? Because I highly doubt his fiancée is going to press charges. And all will be forgotten by the world. Ray Rice you aren’t a man, you’re just a boy in a man’s body playing a manly sport. Innocent til proven guilty? Nah not in this case, ain’t no excuse in my book. Signed.. Disgusted fan”

I stand by these words because IN MY MIND, there is never a good reason for men to ball their hand’s in to a fist to punch a woman or even slap her for that matter. Unfortunately there were plenty of men who disagreed with me in this group and who honestly believe that it’s okay to hit women IF she put’s her hands on him first. I believe in respecting the beliefs of others regardless of how shocked I may be by them, so I listened(read).

They used examples of women wanting equal rights thinking they are men and/or some women being able to actually fight better than men and/or taking advantage of the system by physically beating men and then claiming self-defense in order to put the man in jail in a revenge attempt of why they were angry with him. There were even some that said that “these bitches shouldn’t be worshiped the way that they are”….Reader, think about that for a second. When did it become about worshiping in their minds instead of simply understanding there are things you do and things you don’t do.

Now, I do agree that there are women out there that take advantage of a system that is quick to imprison men in regards to cases involving domestic violence. There are many false claims, but when it is your word against her word, which do you likely think will be trusted more? Understand men that, this is why we as MEN must take the higher role and gracefully bow out of the altercations that are provoked. Good news will not come from physically fighting a woman. I also believe that no one (man or woman) should physically attack another. We should teach our daughter’s that it is not okay to fight a boy but yes it’s okay to fight back if you need to. We should teach our son’s that it is never okay to hit a girl, period. I understand their argument that if a woman feels bold enough to hit a man she should be bold enough to expect what comes back in return but I simply can’t condone taking sides with the defense that it’s okay to fight back with a woman.

There has to be another choice we can make. There are other options aren’t there? Is punching a woman my only option against a woman who is trying to fight me? Whatever happened to grabbing her and holding her down? Why can that not be enough? Is it not man enough to do something else that gives the attacking  woman a reality check of the situation? A reality check that says “this will not end good for you and especially not for me”

The one caveat(if there is one) is when a man’s life is being threatened by the attacker. If it’s a life or death situation then all bets are off. My life is more important than someone who does not value it.

It’s important to note that men can be domestically abused by women and let us not forget about our brother and sisters in same sex relationships. Domestic violence is unacceptable in every type of relationship. Our mentality for domestic violence has to change or the number of victims will continue to rise faster than they currently are. WE HAVE TO DO BETTER!

This article is for anyone who has ever seen, heard or are victim’s of domestic violence but because women are  the number one victim, I’m focusing on them mostly. When did it become acceptable to beat women? When did it become okay for men to get more time in jail for dog fighting versus beating a woman who is not strong enough to defend herself? Not to devalue the lives of animals (I love dogs) but I VALUE human lives even more. Even more so, when did women decide to stick beside the men who feel bad after the fact of destroying her face and not before the hand is risen?

  • One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.1
  • An estimated 1.3 million women are victims of physical assault by an intimate partner each year.2
  • 85% of domestic violence victims are women.3
  • Historically, females have been most often victimized by someone they knew.4
  • Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence.5
  • Most cases of domestic violence are never reported to the police.6

When did these statistics become okay? The number is growing because people, BOTH men and women are deciding that it is what it is. No, it is what it is because people are choosing to accept it for what the demoralizing thing that it is. 1 and 4 women! Look around you right now, Find 4 women and know that 1 of them is likely to be a victim and she will likely never report it in fear that nothing will change or be done. How does that make you feel?

“Witnessing violence between one’s parents or caretakers is the strongest risk factor of  transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next”  This leads me to believe that the men that admit to being okay hitting a woman are victims off this and don’t even realize they are following in the footsteps of the person who they say saw beat their loved one. These men think they are nothing like the men before them because of the different variable that they have added to the situation. Whether it’s one degree of separation or six, it is your actions that determine if you are alike or different.

For example, for every action there is a reaction. Something that needs be done, decided. It is what we do in those reactions that ultimately define who we are. I choose not to hit a woman because I know that we live in a society that will always look down upon that and gives women the upper hand in some cases.I choose not to hit a woman because I know I am the superior physical being.  I choose to walk away instead of being labeled a woman beater.

Instead, I choose to be defined as the bigger person. The government legal system has taken actions to put more black men behind prisons so I react by choosing to not place myself in situations that will get me prosecuted or wrongfully accused. It is not about allowing women or the government to take advantage of us,  it’s about understanding the circumstances and making the best option there is. It’s deciding to take ownership of my actions because we can’t control the actions of others..

We have to do better as a society in taking ownership of our actions. Not speaking out against domestic violence is an action. Is it the right RE-action? No! Staying with a man who beats you is an RE-action and I can’t condone that either. You only have so many times to use the victim card until people stop listening. If we don’t take ownership of the things that are destroying the foundation that we need to progress, then we have no right in asking for help. We can’t ask for help and also be willing participants in the regress.

I punched my older sister in the face after being smashed in the face with a cup. It was a natural reaction, I didn’t even think about it. But prior to that moment I had plenty of time to walk away from the situation but I didn’t because I wanted to make a point. You can’t beat me. Little did I know that when I threw that punch I had already loss. Nothing makes you feel worse then hurting someone you love dearly. Nothing hurts more than looking in the eyes of a woman you have just hit and seeing the same hurt and fear that your mom gave when it happened to her. That’s a pain I will never forget.Never.

It’s time to stop passing down domestic violence, it’s time to stop over-looking domestic violence and it’s time to stop accepting it. I will continue to do my part in speaking out against such things that devalue the human race and I hope you will join in the cause.

To Be Continued…..with or without you

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Categorised in: Connection in Unity, WTF Moments

7 Responses »

  1. I also come from a childhood where my mother and my sister and I were beaten by my mother’s poor choice in boyfriends , and I would never raise my hand to a woman in anger , BUT being raised by my mother , she taught me that I also should never let anyone ( man or woman ) put their hands on me , she taught me that women use their gender as a means of “getting a pass” because men shouldn’t hit women but that also gives no woman any right to be physically violent without reaction , of course a man should walk away IF HE CAN , but those instances are not as easily done as said . Like I said , I grew up in a house of women and was raised BY a strong woman to give as good as I get and no woman ( other than her , lol ) was exempt . If a woman has the balls to hit a man , she should expect the same . Again I stress , I would never raise my hand to a woman ( UNLESS SHE PUT HER HANDS ON ME FIRST ) And women are quick to be abusive just as much as men ( which doesn’t make it right either way )

    • Thanks for the comment Eddie. Always good to hear from guys and get the different opinions. As I mentioned in the article I don’t believe that women should lay their hands on a man period and that I can understand the argument that you have just made. I think for me I have to find a different way to handle the situation. I agree that walking away may not always be an option but is there another option other than hitting her back?

  2. Agreed Jay ,
    But to say you’d do something or not do something , with anger/anxiety , the heat of the moment and even the circumstances can dictate a different scenario then what you’d like to occur is easier said then done. In a perfect world , I’d like to think we’d all as a whole , turn the other cheek , but regrettably things sometimes go left before rationale thinking takes place. Violence is never the answer but sometimes becomes the statement regardless.

    • It seems, if I may, that you are relinquishing your own ability to control your own actions and making excuses for why you would hit a woman. The minute you allow passion of the moment, anger, anxiety or any other feelings (by the way feelings that only you can control) to allow you to hit a woman you have lost.

  3. Well, I was hurt by someone who I though was the best , Just because he is a veteran of the US Marine he represented a hero to me , unfortunately I didn’t know his dark side… He push me and pulled my hair and throw me on the grown , he also hit my parents , a Shock …My family is extremely important to me and he knew it ,honestly I never did anything to deserve this and I though what we had been greater than this and didn’t had to end the way it did, shameful .

    That crush my heart because that same man I though it was a hero was just an aggressor that change my heart and my outlook to trust anyone … I know are good guys out there but for me that typically don’t open up that often is going to be difficult to find him, I want someone to LOVE and someone to LOVE me even MORE.

  4. Another great article. I agree completely. The key is we can only control our own actions. A woman should never put her hands on a man unless she is in danger and a man should never under any circumstance put his hands on a woman. We have to do better. There are some really immature women out there that think its cute to push a man to the point of violence. They have to do better. We have to choose good people to be in our lives and the wrong people we have to let go of right away. Good to know you are better Jay.

  5. Very good article Jay! It is important to note (as you said) that both men and women should not put their hands on another, in any type of relationship (very often we define domestic violence in romantic terms, but domestic violence can be between a mother and son, brother and brother). Although I understand your point of view, this statement leaves me uneasy “You only have so many times to use the victim card until people stop listening.” To be clear, statistically it will take a woman 7 times to leave a DV relationship. 7 TIMES! Statistically, more woman die in DV relationships when they are trying to leave. So the language of “victim card”, I think is shaming the victim. We have to understand the psyche of the victim and the abuser (who in most cases is also a victim of DV violence-if you witness DV you too are a victim). The abuser is able to manipulate the victim to a point where they feel guilt, sadness, and fear to leave them. A lot of times victims have no where to go (or don’t feel like it) because the abuser has isolated them from others. Abusers truly put victims through an emotional warfare (many woman are going through DV situations without having a single hand being laid on them-this is something to also think about).
    It is great to see a black man writing about this! More brothers (and sisters) need to speak up for both heterosexual and same sex DV!

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