Where Growth Happens

Too Picky to Find Love?

I’ve been feeling very self-reflective lately in the area of my love life. Some may call it the winter blues or blame it on the fact that valentine’s day is fast approaching but I find myself questioning my approach to the women I’ve dated in my life the last few years. You see,  I’m going on being single for almost 3 years now and while the brothers in the Monastery’s are impressed with my monk like skills I am not one of them. No offense to my Monk bretheren  but it just ain’t cool.

It’s not that I haven’t tried to find a partner who I can spend the rest of my life with its just that there hasn’t been many women who have intrigued me enough to fully commit to a relationship with them and truthfully vice versa. I am aware that I’m not everyone’s starbucks choice of brew (like what I did there? instead of cup of tea..nevermind) but after being single for as long as I have one starts to wonder if maybe you are doing something wrong. I mean seriously, how hard can it freaking be to find someone who you click with? I’m just saying if Honey boo boo has a boo then  shouldn’t I too?

Here’s the thing though, I don’t believe in just being with someone just to be with them all because I don’t want to be single. I’m not afraid of being single(obviously…3 years but who’s counting) but if I’m going to commit to someone I need her to fit in to my life. I made a Facebook post the other day that stated..

“I don’t expect it to be easy but I don’t expect it to be the polar opposite either. Extremely hard doesn’t work for me when it comes to love. It should fit like the right pair of jeans. I expect it to fit seamlessly as if their world and my world were cut from parallel universes. Some say that’s naive I say that’s understanding what love is. There needs to be a little bit of wiggle room but more than enough closeness, there needs to be two different worlds but are intertwined unknowingly. That’s what I expect and when that person comes in to my life it will feel like the easiness of what love is….a complete fit.”

That’s truly how I feel when it comes to the partner for me. I’ve had a few say to me “Jay you are too picky” or “Jay you are the most pickiest guy I know”. I’ve heard this before throughout my adult life and I have a belief that if more than one person says  the same thing about you and they didn’t hear it from one another then the person who it was said to should take notice. The person should reflect on it to find out if it’s true or not and so I have (a few times). Even more so, I’ve often taken a step or two further and decided to date women who I wasn’t as physically attracted to(boy did that backfire),  women who have those things we call kids and I’ve dated women who don’t quite stimulate my mind(don’t ask).

These things that I just mentioned are “conditions” and are typically deal breakers for me for different reasons but I found myself trying different things because I didn’t want to be too picky for love as some of my friends and family have suggested. After all a person not having certain “conditions” doesn’t mean they will love you any less or any more than someone who does. What I’ve found in reflection is that these things don’t fit in to my life or shall I say fit the attraction needs and it causes me to not be as attentive as I know I should be and ultimately I end up  bowing out like I just starred in a Broadway play (in which I apparently play the evil doer)

So here I am reflecting, wondering, pondering  if I’m too picky to find love and honestly I don’t feel that I am but I will admit something needs to change, maybe in my delivery? (Hey ma, can I get your number seems to fail). Jokes aside, over the last six years I can think of four women whom I was ready to commit to because it felt “right” in my life when I was around them. Two of them didn’t work out because of my immaturity and fear of love(never be too big to admit your part in breakups), one of them because the woman was a self sabotage type of person and the other most recently because well I still don’t know  about that one but maybe there is still a chance for the last one or at least I hope so. So I know that I’m not crazy on thinking that love should just fit in your life because I’ve felt it before. It shouldn’t be difficult, it shouldn’t be a struggle to make it work. The person you choose to be with should feel as easy around you as you do around them. Everything else is a matter of just learning to communicate with that person.

As far as I can tell, we all say we want love but we want love with conditions and that’s where it gets hard. Finding love is not the hard part because there are plenty of people who would love us for not only where we are but for who we are but we choose not to allow that person to get to know us and us them because they don’t quite meet the criteria that we “want” in our lives. We say we want unconditional love but mostly all of us are searching for conditional love.

Like the great dynasty’s before our present time, whom you dated or married was seen only as “financial benefit or adding legacy to the family name”, basically it was the mindset of “I will marry this person only to strengthen my family’s name”. We aren’t too far removed from this concept if we are to be honest. We all are looking for someone to benefit our name and legacy; looking for someone to add to our lives and there isn’t (in my opinion) anything wrong with this as long as we are being completely honest about it. It is a type of love but it’s not unconditional love. The unconditional love comes after we have found someone who fits the conditions that we want.

So am I too picky for love? If you have been single as long as I have I ask you, Are you too picky to find love? Comparison of lives will never end well but we do it; so  is it that the people who have found love found someone who met the conditions they needed?  Is it possible that they settled for less than what they desired? Of course it is but that doesn’t mean that we won’t find someone to meet our conditions and it doesn’t mean we have to settle for what we know fits in to our life. My approaches may be wrong but  more than anything I believe that if the timing isn’t right then it simply won’t matter how one approaches the people they date.

And let’s be even more honest, loving someone is pretty scary. Especially if you have fallen in love before only to have it not work out the way that you had hoped. Often times on the other side of the line in the sand that we have drawn  is where love exist but it’s also where we have placed that hurt. We have associated Love and Hate in unison and it seems like it will take  an act of GOD to say “Go for it”. But we can’t  find love behind the invisible walls. Lines in the sand can be blown away by the quickest wind.

I’d like to believe that I understand this more than most so I don’t have any walls up around me nor have I drawn a line in the sand but this doesn’t mean that I should settle for less than what I know exist. and neither should you. Love should be comfortable and peaceful and when the two worlds collide there should be an explosive feeling  of peace in your spirit when you are around each other. That’s what I’m holding out for(not sexually..sorry my monk brothers again), not infatuation, not unrealistic types of love that the movies portray, just someone who gets me and whom I get.

Maybe I am too picky but truthfully, if we are dating with a purpose of finding someone who we can spend the rest of our lives with I only ask, shouldn’t we be? Condition’s change as we get older this much is true, we shouldn’t base our love on condition’s that can fade away over time and I will continue to explore different avenues of finding love but if I’m going to fall drunk in love, it’s going to be a complete fit.

What are your thoughts? Are you too picky? Should  love be complicated? Let me know!

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5 Responses »

  1. Jared, you have a definite right to have standards when it comes to love. I was single for nearly 5 years before I was off the dating market. You want someone who will stimulate you mentally and physically. I’ve noticed that the meeting of the minds is much more important for a long term relationship than sex. Don’t give up or settle. She is out the!

    • 5 years huh? you are right though, I am allowed to have standards and I don’t think they are outrageous ones like I hear a lot of people say. Completely agree with meeting of the minds statement

      • Yup. It was a struggle but I knew my guy was out there. Don’t give up or give in, Jared. It’s easy for others to judge & say you’re too picky. You need the right woman got you. Hell, of you don’t have something to talk about, to bond on then the relationship is doomed.

  2. I don’t think you are being too picky. But then again I am always saying that there are not enough people my age around to date so maybe I’m too picky…but I have not really been searching. Me being the hopeless romantic that I am, I expect love to fall serpendipitously into my lap. I am also debating changing that approach…

    I believe as long as you are open to love then you are doing everything right and as sucky as it may seem maybe it’s just not time. You can’t rush finding the right pair of jeans if you do then you might have buyers remorse. Or maybe you are just shopping in the wrong mall and need to go where there is a better selection.

    • Love the comment Dreamer! Especially the analogy of having buyers remorse. That’s very true. I agree that it may not be the right time and I’m okay with that but I also think that as hopeless romantic as we are, we can’t just expect it to fall on our door step in pretty little bow. I think we have to put ourselves in situations that will help the process along

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