Dating & Relationships Spiritual Awareness

Religiously Single

I began conversing over a few different topics that appear to be going on not only in society but especially in the black community over the weekend with a friend of mine. We both consider ourselves to be very open minded individuals who believe that people are entitled to live their lives however they deem fit. The conversation ranged from understanding one’s ancestral history to the way fear is used to control people. We didn’t agree on everything that we discussed but the one thing that we spent the majority of the time discussing was the fact of how multitudes of people have allowed their religious faith to keep them from finding love.

Now, most religious single living people are not accepting this as fact and will deny this at every turn. Some will even defend it by saying they would rather have “Jesus” for example than to have a lover. So in a sense Jesus has become their “faithful” husband, wife, boyfriend or girlfriend all the while still remaining lonely. This fantasy may temporarily fill a void but physical companionship can never be replaced, no matter what is portrayed otherwise from those in your circle. We exist in a physical realm, we are physical creatures who need physical love as well as spiritual love. God can’t give us both, in fact it is us that gives God both. God experiences life in the physical realm through us  not the other way around. Faith cannot be your lover but it can be a hindrance if not fully understood.

This placing of faith in everything God is what works for religious institutes because it keeps the people in the system  but for the sake of trying not to offend any more than I have, let’s not call it the system. Let us call it the place of love. The church warrants this loneliness to a certain extent and is glad you are lonely because a lonely person must continue to put faith in the religious place of love. If you continue to place faith in them  they  then can always count on someone spreading the word for them. It is true that they want you to fall in love but that love comes with special requirements. “If you are not equally yoked” then do not pursue is the doctrine that is  taught and then followed.

The main ingredient to the reason why unequally yoked spiritual lives don’t work is not that the fact the different religious lifestyles exist its because of the different mindsets that exist.  If you can expand your mind and openly communicate what you feel anything is possible. As my friend mentioned over the weekend, it’s not that people are close minded its simply because people have been taught to be either or as if both can’t be possible. Most individuals are putting blind faith in faith even when doing it the “Muslim” way yields the same results as the years before. What is the definition of insanity?

Again, there is nothing wrong with faith and this is not an attack on faith, though I may not be religious anymore I too have faith, I too believe in faith, I too believe that having faith makes things possible, not easy. This is not an attack on faith but it’s an attempt of breaking through an unrealistic reality that many people are living in the religious lifestyle. To be equally yoked means to believe in similar characteristics. One can’t believe in light while another believes in dark. But it does not mean that two different people who believe in God can’t be together. It does not mean that spiritual individuals can’t grow together. If anyone is teaching you that this is not the case, I beg you to find a new place to grow.

Would it take more work? Yes! Would it take proper communication? Yes! Would it take compromise? Yes!  Of course but doesn’t any other type of relationship? “Faith without work is dead”

If having Jesus, God, Allah whichever you call your God (which really is the same God) were all that one needed to fill the human need of physical love then there wouldn’t be millions of single people still looking for love on all of the dating website I’ve come across. I wouldn’t have so many friends still single and searching. Religion is not enough, it simply isn’t. Now, why do I say that religion is keeping people single?

The reasoning is quite simple. People are choosing to not date individuals who meet all of the criteria that they need to be loved all because of the fact that they do not meet the one criteria of believing in the same faith. A faith mind you, that most of them theirself aren’t living fully not to mention truly understanding. They are choosing to be in love with their belief over choosing to be in love with something tangible.

It has gotten to the point where religious people are deciding to settle for less than what they need from a person but choosing to be with that person because they meet the one criteria of calling themselves a Muslim, a Christian etc. They are choosing the one thing based on belief over the many things that are based in actuality. Case in point is the fact that I’ve watched many people who weren’t ideal for one another marry one another only to divorce one another after realizing that the person married was not the Christian they claimed to be.

As a single man who is involved in the dating world it is widely known that finding someone who appreciates the values of love, friendship and relationship is hard.  There is a disconnect between people. But I also have watched many women pass on seriously dating someone all because the person does not believe what they believe. Often times what they believe; they only believe because it’s how they were raised not really ever questioning what they believe , making statements such as “Jesus will send them the right man or woman all in due time.”

Jesus is going to continue to keep many people single until they choose to change their perspective of what finding love really is. This is not blasphemy, this is not the devil being a liar; this is quite simply facing the reality of the situation. I don’t know about you but I deal in truth. There are many good people out there that are great matches for one another but we discredited them because of the religious focus.

What’s interesting to note is that many people blame the government or others I.E. the whiteman for the reason why black families are falling apart. I’d argue that it’s a mixture of a few things but none more so than Religion keeping us apart. God should bring us together but because we believe in different things we are allowing that difference to keep us from re-connecting. It’s the same reason why wars have been started. If you don’t believe in what I believe you are not good enough to be part of what I have to offer.

Please keep in mind that there are many successful relationships that are based in a religious lifestyle, there is no denying that at all. They do exist and they lead others to want that type of relationship as well. The truth is though, the religion brought them together in a mutual place (a beginning) but it was the mutual decision to take a chance on loving the other person.  That is how you find love, by taking a chance on someone.

Someone not being Catholic doesn’t lessen your chances of falling in love no more than someone being Catholic increases your chances of falling in love. We make the decision, we choose to see the good, we choose to overlook what we dislike, we are the decision makers. It is not religion and it is not God, though we tend to want to give God “all the glory”.  What the religion does is give you the perspective of saying “well she’s a God-fearing” woman so I will give her a chance. As if fearing God is enough to make your relationship work when it is not. Don’t be fooled by what you hear from other people in your place of worship.

If people truly want to fall in love, they are going to have to start living outside of the box they have placed themselves in. Sources are limited in a boxed off area but resources are plentiful when you expand the borders. Stop self quarantining. Mindsets need to change, perspectives need to readjust and criteria must be re-evaluated. Someone who can love you is right around the corner from you if you understand that even though you believe in different ways to get there they both lead to the same place.

As long as God is in the midst of your relationships they all will flourish if there is open communication with all involved. Stop passing up on good men and good women because they don’t meet one criteria that the world has never been able to agree on.(My God is the right God). People are cutting their options by more than half in an area that has proven to be harder to be successful in.  Spiritual people and religious people should be able to love one another because we are spirit first made in the likeness of God (spirit/energy). Unequally yoked is in reference to non-believers and believers.

Maybe people are comfortable with their Religion being their lover for the rest of their lives which means they have given up on the idea of real love; but I’m hoping that somewhere out there (maybe you) are people who aren’t. And again, this is not a knock on religion and faith because there is not a  better feeling than growing towards OUR God but God can’t be your physical lover in a physical world and too many people are believing that Religion is enough and  that by their faith God will bring them their partner.

Until people realize that their beliefs (which aren’t facts) are what is causing them to be single they more than likely will continue to go to bed at night sleeping beside their invisible lover and I don’t thank Jesus for that.



  1. Wow Jay, that was truly powerful. As someone who is deeply spiritual, and trying desperately not to be religious, I get it. Many of us have boxed ourselves off from many a good opportunity in the name of “religion”. That was a good word my friend. Thank you for keeping it real. You’re on to something.

    1. Thanks Linai. I myself use to be deeply religious but as I grew closer to God I understood that the more important thing was my spiritual connection with God and I started molding that relationship. The only way I could do that was to change challenge all that had been taught, to question everything until I found something felt right inside of me. I can’t wait until you finish reading my book. Please let me know what you think. And anytime you want to talk about it anything similar to this you have my number love. Thank you for taking the time out to read.

  2. That is some good stuff, and I completely agree with you. I have been asked the question before what I thought of being “unequally yoked” as a Christian, and I used the same reference that you used, that light and darkness cannot coexist and that I believe that one can have the light and not be “Christian” (I use that one because that is my religion and the religion of the person whom I was having this discussion with). The belief in a particular religion does not equal light. One’s values, morals, how they live their life in relation to others, that is the proof of whether they walk in the light or the dark. I say follow the light, which can come in a myriad of colors, which of course, is a beautiful thing.

    1. That is great to hear Keisha that you are able to think that way without prejudice. Many would have given a very different answer. I no longer live a christian lifestyle but I am highly spiritual and hope that one day I’ll be able to date and be accepted in the same circle as my brothers and sisters who believe in the loving God.

      1. I feel you Jay, trust. I often find myself in the fringe area because on the one hand because I am a Christian, people or men automatically assume that I think or am a certain way, not realizing, probably due to their experience, that there are Christians who are liberal, Christians who understand that people choose other pathways for understanding God etc so the conversation of beliefs does not even happen. So often I experience the “non-religious/spiritual” person by passing the “Christian” ones because the assumption has already been made that being Christian must equal close mindedness. And on the other hand, liberal Christians are not accepted by mainstream Christianity so others like me find ourselves in an interesting place.

      2. That’s very interesting Keisha. I was a liberal Christian like yourself. And you’re right it wasn’t widely accepted by mainstream Christian’s which is not a comfortable position to be in. I can’t say that your chances of finding a lifetime partner are greater than other Christians but I’d like to believe they are. Love is hard to find in general but for those of us who are willing to see the bigger picture will find it.

    2. Jay….Speaking the words “love is hard to find” is affirming to the universe that love is hard to find for you. I think it is about developing a crystal clear picture of exactly what you want in a mate and setting a strong intention to attract that mate. Oh and also making sure that all subconscious blocks that may be holding you back from attracting that mate are cleared/healed.

      1. While I would agree with you Keyana that certain words should be refrained because we do attract what we put out, I was speaking in general terms because the obvious is true. Love is hard to find, simply believing that love is easy to find does not change the facts. One can look around world wild and see this to be the case. I agree that we should have remove any blockage but I disagree that by simply having a picture/vision of the mate we need in our lives will make that come to fruition. As I mentioned in the article, it is us that have to make the decision to love someone and that goes for the other person as well. The mate that we picture can come into our lives but that does not mean that the person will choose to love us back at that moment in time.

    3. I would have to disagree with the affirmation that love is hard to find and simply ask what is it deep inside of the people who want to attract love that is blocking love from coming in? We always have to start with looking within ourselves although it may be difficult to do. Saying love is easy to find is not going to bring it to a person until they’ve cleared blockages on a deeper level, but saying it is hard will make it that much harder for those who choose to believe it is hard. When I say one needs to have a clear vision of what they want in a mate that only plays a part in it, but it is important, because a lot of people don’t even know what type of person they want and I mean inner qualities and how about also visualizing for a relationship where the person cares for you as much as you care for them so that way you will attract what you’ve asked for. It’s about being clear to the Universe about what you want. Yes, we can all make the decision to love someone on the CONSCIOUS level, but if we have certain blocks, beliefs, or past issues that need to be healed on the SUBCONSCIOUS level that we may not even be aware of then that is what is prohibiting love from coming in. It just goes way deeper than meets the eye.

      1. I agree with both of you in a way and what I mean by that is this.. let’s see how to say it succinctly…Love in general tends to be hard to find because people in general may be unaware of exactly what they want or need, may not be aware that they are putting out mixed signals to the universe which results in a lack of manifestation, and are unaware of how to remove subconsciously blockages, IF they are even aware that they have them…therefore in general, love is hard to find. If one wants to attract love for oneself specifically, going around with the mindset that love is hard to find for me…then you will match that vibration and your life will indeed reflect that love is hard to find for you

  3. This is very true! Unfortunately I think some people use religion as an excuse to mask hidden fears about dating anyway. Unwilling to commit they use it as a shield whether they realize it or not. I’ve learned God will only do what you CANT. Keep them coming J !

  4. I love reading others views, great post! I dated a fellow whose religious beliefs were totally different from mines, and I respect everything he stood for. I felt he was a great and intelligent person, but the reason it became 1 of several reasons why I part ways was because, what I wanted became some if his demands of its not happening… and I’m a very open minded person that allow individuals to be who they are. I think if God-Fearing men and women focus more on the discernment that God teaches, to make healthy decisions and choices for your life and relationships then they will not be lonely. But, you have a lot of people that operates off spiritual belief, and practices and in returned they are being misled and misused. Here’s the thing Black Queens don’t be obtuse. Oh, and Kings… But my Queens don’t be OBTUSE!

      1. No, not because of the religious differences. It really felt like it was his way or no way and he was not willing to compromise anything he believe or go against anything he says, to consider small things I requested. I didn’t want to move forward, because he would try make me feel like he was open to my likes, but really wasn’t. I rather be with someone that shares similar likes, and not say they would do something just because I ask, but because they really wanted to do it. So, it was that we were different people for example, I love attending concerts but he would dare to do it because he feels like that’s praising celebrities, And so on…

  5. I am with you, I don’t want to be separate from people just because I have different beliefs. This is an interesting topic. I don’t think about it much though because I don’t have to deal with it much in my life. It’d be interesting to hear how people encounter this scenario: have they tried to ask someone on a date but been asked what their religious beliefs are first? It’d be interesting to hear the perspective of a Muslim person, as they seem the most strict when it comes to marrying someone of the same faith.

    1. I have always asked someone what their beliefs are when it comes to God because its very important to me. And I’m very serious about not wasting not only my time or anyone else’s time. Time is precious. Its truly the one thing we can never get back once it has passed in the physical realm. Most upon finding out my desire to never again follow a religious doctrine such as themselves no longer find the interest to be there.

  6. I am a very spiritual person and I choose not to date a man who is religious. It is not that I am close-minded, but I have tried to date plenty of men who are religious and they have been extremely close-minded and judgmental towards my beliefs. I do believe in being on the same path as your mate, because it can assist with helping one another to grow more spiritually and work towards ascension together if that is a goal, but someone who is close-minded to that will be on a totally different path which will put us on different pages and therefore is someone whom I will not be able to grow spiritually with which is very important to me. I too used to be religious and I am surrounded by friends and family who still are religious so I can understand both sides of the debate. There may be a man out there who is religious, but still maintains an open mind and i non-judgmental towards my beliefs, but I have yet to meet him so I choose to date men who are spiritual or non-religious.

  7. I was speaking to a co-worker about her dating life. And this post is about her. She’s deep into her religion and she will not–under any circumstances–date anyone who’s outside her specific domination and she’s happy with that. Honestly, I respect her decision and I hope she finds that man.
    I, on the other hand, would date a guy who isn’t of the same religious background or race as me. I’m still on the fence about Muslim men because of their male dominant/alpha male nature and even the most westernized of them are too overbearing for me. I grew up Baptist and now consider myself spiritual. I don’t attend church on the regular but have a personal relationship with God.
    When I think about it, a lot of my black female friends are really into their religion. But I don’t recall any of them denouncing someone of a different spiritual background when it came to dating. Then again, those ladies are married and to a man of the same faith. So, I guess that kind of supports your blog.
    More to your point, through faith alone nothing can materialize. You can’t just pray for a partner; you have to network in the “right” places–so to speak. IMHO, single religious people go to bed lonely because they aren’t doing their dating homework. And I think God would agree with that.

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