I should be sleeping but I’m not tired and I have the need to write tonight before I go to sleep. There has been a few things on my mind lately but the one thing that sticks out the most are the conversations I have had with many of my single friends the last few weeks and months. I’m finding it increasingly more difficult to understand exactly what it is that they want in love. Not that its my job to figure it out but as a caring friend I desire to help. If you were to ask them what is love you would get a multitude of different answers from them. And when you ask them what the biggest problem is that they face in the dating world its that no one keeps it real. Which makes them hate the “dating process”. But I always wonder what they are contributing to the dating process.
After hearing them speak my immediate thought or question in my mind that I want to ask them is are you keeping it real? No seriously; are you keeping it real? Its okay to have different answers to what love is for love can be many things and besides we all have our own ways of giving and receiving love. But I ask; is it okay to not keep it real? Their retort is that even when you don’t play the game the game is always being played and that forces them to play as well. So again I ask; are you keeping it real? One of the first things that a single dating adult can do is to stop trying to figure out what the other person is doing and the second thing they can do for themselves is to stop caring what the other person may think. So I ask them, are you playing the game?
Of course many say no and some say yes but the truthful answer to this question is answered a few minutes later simply by listening to them talk about what their actions are when it comes to the dating process. Some of them are afraid to have the tough conversations and others are afraid to ask certain questions in fear of running the other person away. Instead of asking to see a person they don’t. Instead of calling the person like they want they don’t because they don’t want to come across needy so they wait. They also don’t want to be “too available” so they go through the motions of pretending to be “not available”.
So instead of staying true and real to their own desires and needs they place them on the backburner until the other person lets them know what it is that she and she or he and she are doing. Don’t we go through life enough fearing fear? Not trying new things because we think we may look stupid or worse yet we think we will fail? The greatest fear in life is not the fear of failure it is the fear of success. We fear a successful relationship because we are afraid that we aren’t ready or more accurately can’t handle it.
We should have total control over our own needs, wants, questions and desires. There should not be fear in dating. There should be realness, truthfulness, authenticity especially from ourselves. Even when the other person is not keeping it one hundred(as we like to say these days), don’t you owe it to yourself to stay true to yourself? Many will say this sets you up to be hurt and that its naive to think that we can be forthcoming with them about what our own desires are and that its even more naive in expecting the person sitting across from us to respect these desires and to be honest about their own.
But is it really? Would you rather play the game and be even more confused because of the lies generated and the silence of not knowing or would you rather stay honest in the situation and know that you did it your way, the real way. The hurt does not come from being real; the hurt comes from not listening to what the other person is saying and by not watching the actions of what they are doing. And even more so it comes from not establishing a clear line of communication.
In these conversations I’ve had with my friends it also seems that the art of proper communication is dissolving quicker and quicker each year. This is pretty obvious in the dating process. Most conversations happen through text message, people are too busy to talk on the phone, not willing to find the time to get on the phone or because a phone conversation requires real effort. Is it that because a real phone conversation makes you establish a quicker connection with a person? A REAL connection and something real can be a little scary to a person already expecting failure in the dating process
I’m not a phone person and I will text you 90% percent of the time if you we are just friends. But if I’m truly interested in you and I know that you are truly interested in me, I call and I ask to spend time with you. I do my best not to play the game but there are times where I have failed to stay authentic to myself and allowed the other person to pull me into the games they play…into the fear game.
But thats not what I want, its not what I need and more importantly its not who I am. And I would be willing to bet that its not what the majority of my single friends want either. To be playing a game. But the truth is most of them have become so comfortable playing this game that they are not willing to become uncomfortable to get what they truly need in love. Which means that the reward is not worth the risk in their minds. Playing safe has become the new cool thing to do even when its not.
Is that how you get love? Playing it safe? You have to take a risk to get there. You have to step out onto the edge of the ledge to see what may lie beyond what we really can’t see. Which makes me wonder about their true intentions; Is love really what they want?
It shouldn’t be that hard to find someone you have a connection with. But because we have built in our minds what our partner looks like, has and does we no longer know when the right match for us is right in front of our noses. They think that the better man or better woman is right around the corner when in truth the right one for you could be right there with the person sitting across from you or the person/friend who you spend hours with and never worry about time.
Love can’t be that simple right? So we make it even more complicated subconsciously. This person doesn’t have 6 figures, this person has 2 kids, this person isn’t 6’4, this person doesn’t have this doesn’t have that. It seems my friends and probably myself are finding reasons not to fall in love instead of reasons to fall in love.
If there is a person that you enjoy spending time with and it just feels right. Then we should keep it real and take a chance with that person. I completely understand the fear of being hurt and rejected. No one wants that, no one wants to feel like they aren’t good enough for someone. But if a person like myself who spent the majority of his adult life trying to over come self worth issues can take a risk of truly trying to fall for someone one then my single friends can do it too.
The dating process is not algorithms and theorems, if you do this plus that it will equal this. There is no way of knowing what the correct formula is to be successful in love. Waiting a few days to call someone doesn’t make you more desirable. Sending gifts does not make you more attractive. Waiting 90 days to have sex does not make you marriage material. None of that truly matters if neither person is keeping it authentic. The only certainty in this dating for love world is that you will grow from the experience IF you are able to differentiate between what you need and what you want. There is a big difference between the two.
Break the dating rules that exist, demolish the stereotypes that have been created but more importantly cut the roots of fear that exist in your mind. As long as those roots stay implanted I fear my single friends will be single longer than they realize. We should be able to make our own formulas and rules for this process. It shouldn’t matter whether the other people understand them. If they want to take the time to listen and learn them then that is what matters.
It shouldn’t be as hard as what I’m hearing from the mouths of my friends but they and I have the tendency to over complicate the simple things. In truth the biggest reason most people are single is not because of others but because of ourselves. We fail to realize that love is unconditional and the majority of the single people have decided that the love we say we want is conditional.
I’m not playing the game and I’m not afraid to show someone I have a good feeling around that I’m interested in them. They will know it and if I’m not what they need then I move on to the next one with no hard feeling toward them. I’d rather be who I know I am and be what they need than to pretend to be what I’m not just to give them what I think they want.
The moment you stop placing your expectations onto others and simply appreciate the process for what it is will also be your moment of clarity. And with that clarity you will finally understand it shouldn’t be that hard to find someone compatible with your spirit. This is not to say that we shouldn’t have set expectations but it is to say that some of those expectations should be movable and re-moldable. If we set our feet in concrete can we ever be moved without being broken apart first?
This is the conundrum we are faced with and if we are already set in our minds that a certain type of love or type of person is the only way we will allow love to exist then the chances of finding the right love for us becomes even smaller. In closing….
Life and love really are as complicated as we choose to make it or as simple as we choose to create it and it is of my opinion and experience that if my single friends are truly wanting what they say they truly need they will need to change their perspective of what is really going on around them in the process. And they will need to take ownership of what they are really contributing to the process…
Is it the realness or the untruthfulness(fakeness) that they all claim to hate?