I should be sleeping right now but I’m not. I feel myself being tired but I am unable to close my eyes. Its 1:00am and I just turned the t.v. off to gather my thoughts. I just finished watching a show thats on demand called “Enlightened”. I began watching this show last weekend in boredom. Its an HBO show and I can honestly say the only reason I took a chance on watching it was because of the title.
There is something about this show that I feel a connection to though and I continue to watch each episode. Its about at woman who is trying to overcome her old ways, her bad ways. Trying to overcome her addictions, trying to bridge the gap with her broken relationships and especially her relationship with her mother. She had a breakdown and went off to therapy and at this place they did yoga, journal-ed and etc. She finds herself wanting to be good and trying to do good but struggles with her own demons still.
I guess I can relate to the struggle and I believe that if most people watched it they probably would as well. I think about the broken relationships that I have in my life, some that I caused and others that I had no control. I wonder how many people I hurt that I’m not aware of. And I wonder if I will ever have the chance to repair those relationships. I kinda feel sad at the moment and if I’m listening to my spirit correctly then I’m sad because I realize that there is still a small part of me that is broken.
I yearn to fix what is broken and I understand that it will take a great deal of energy to fix it. My self doubt runs deeper than I care to admit(but its getting better) and even though I work very hard to overcome my issue; I at times still find myself wondering if I can do this alone. But what choices do I have? There will be no rescue; there will be no life guard throwing me a life float….a life line. I simply will have to learn how to swim out of the tsunami of self doubt.
Each one of us has mountains and mole hills to overcome. I do not have many but I do one mole hill that continues to pop back up along my path. I wonder how high do i have to climb this mountain in order to see the other side? I am not sure but like the lady in Enlightened sometimes you have talk your way through it, see your way past it and believe that its already fix. I just made that last line up but if I were a writer for that show I’d definitely include that in there somewhere. 🙂
I will never give up trying to fix myself and I will never give up striving to live my life the way I want to. I will never quit improving on my flaws, I will never fail at fixing the relationships that are broken in my life…as long as the other person is willing to forgive me for my past misunderstandings. I do not strive to be the perfect man or lover but I do strive to be the best man I know and the best man you will ever meet.
I don’t know what the finish product looks like completely but the blueprint has been drawn and I’ve begun to be molded…….