Where Growth Happens

Confessions of A Dater

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I had a conversation with one of my old clients this week about the dating life. She knows about the ladies that I’ve dated in the last 7 months of me being here in Tampa and I know about the men she has been dating. My client is at least 25 years older than myself and what we both agree on is that no matter what age you are the dating scene is not easy; in fact its very tricky for everyone regardless of the age.

Towards the end of  our conversation about dating and me explaining to her my view on sitting back and letting it just happen she suggested that its possible that I move too slow. This never really dawned on me until she told me that a few of the men she has gone on dates with have kissed her on the first date and that she was okay with it. This was kind of shocking to me but it has definitely got me to thinking this week.

Do I move too slow? And what is too slow? My goal when dating someone is to take it at an gradual pace and to allow the physical touches to just happen. The last thing that I want is for the woman to feel or think that all I want is the sex. Don’t get me wrong I definitely enjoy the physical connection but I’ve always thought that ladies wanted to take it a little slow. But maybe I’m wrong in this thinking? Maybe I should be moving in for the kiss on the 2nd date but its not like me at all. Maybe I have this entire “game” wrong?

I don’t see myself changing my approach but it does make me wonder. I’m not a very easy guy to read; in fact if anyone tries to “read” me before they even know me the chances are they will get the wrong vibe or feeling from me in regards to ME being a potential match for them. I can’t help it; I’m an Aquarius and I value friendship over relationship in the beginning and it takes a woman who is confident not only in her sex appeal but within her entire person to be able to understand me. A woman’s confidence is so sexy to me and brings me closer to what we are trying to figure out.

I say this and yet here I am wondering if I’m just too laid back for most women. I wonder if me simply enjoying the company without placing expectations on it is too “non-commital” for most women(not all women). I don’t know how to be anything else other than who I am and who I am is the “nice guy” who respect women on all levels.  Who I am is the guy who truly is living in peace and my ego does not control what I feel. I’m at a point in my life where I’m looking for more than the physical, I can get sex, that has never been an issue but what I have yet to be able to get is someone who simply enjoys being around me without the expectations. Someone who just enjoys being….

Many will probably read that last line and say “Jay has a commitment issue” and that is furthest from the truth. In fact I am 100% ready to settle down but I am not ready to settle…period. My thinking is this, if I’m going to potentially spend the rest of my life with you then you and I best be best friends first or damn near close. And for me the only way to get there is to be able to enjoy each other without all the physical contact(at least in the beginning).

I guess I’m old fashioned and will work on improving my “approach” but if opening car doors, doors, pulling out the seat, sitting beside you instead of across from you and waiting a couple dates to kiss is not the way things should be then I think I’ll be single a little longer and honestly I’m more than okay with that.

Oh, also; did I mention that I don’t like the chase either? I have come to the conclusion that this is a fact. A fact that I’m not proud of but its the truth and I speak the truth, regardless, even if it does not go in my favor.  I don’t know if I have some left over bitterness from the different women I have pursued in the past but I truly don’t like it. I feel like its a game and I don’t play games. BUT I chase slightly because I know its expected but what I expect is some of that love thrown back my way…is that too much to ask for?

One of these days in the very near future I will figure out the perfect mixture to all of this…..I’m just confessing that this dating thing is not easy…….AT ALL.  Ladies and Gentlemen help me out with this…what are you thoughts?

Note to Self: A real woman recognizes a real man…real can only recognize real (at least thats what I think)

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3 Responses »

  1. I think your friend has a point. A woman wants to know she is wanted and if this doesn’t occur in the beginning of the relationship withing the first couple of dates she may lose interest. There is nothing wrong with taking things slow and being friends first but be willing to get left behind as a woman will choose a man who shows right away how he feels. Of course, it could also mean that you haven’t found your soul mate yet because if you did you would know it right away and friendship before love would go right out the window.

  2. I can relate to your internal debate… just last month I was debating if finding someone and just meeting people in general really required me to “step outside my comfort zone” as they say. I can see the benefits of that but in my mind going out of my comfort zone also changes who I am as a person. Having an introverted personality I dislike big groups and social engagements with more than 4 or 5 people. I used to think maybe I was the weird one because all my friends couldn’t understand why I did not enjoy myself at big parties or going to events with large masses of people. But then I read something that really got me thinking about people and their different personality types and how my personality fit in amongst my friends and family. I was listening to an audio book last month about personality types called “why him, why her” by Helen Fisher and on that tape she said something that really stuck with me. She said anyone can change who they are and do things differently but you wouldn’t be enjoying yourself or being true to yourself if you did. Now I am not saying that being shy and staying in doors will ever bring someone to my door step however, I am saying that even though I can hold my own in large groups when I push myself to do so and become a super social person it wouldn’t take long before I got tired of it and I stopped enjoying myself. Really a night in cooking and catching up with friends is my thing and I recently found made a friend to chill with that likes exactly the same thing. So moral of the story don’t change your approach if it feels right to you because there is someone out there that feels exactly like you do and wouldn’t have it any other way.

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