I’ve Been Thinking

The last few years of my life I’ve been practicing on living a life with better  awarerness of who I am but more imporantly who I want to be in life. I’ve been trying to be CONSCIOUS when my eyes are open and it isn’t easy.  It has surely been a practice that has been rewarding however that does not change the fact that it is still very difficult at other times. It has required me to leave a belief that I spent the majority of my life living. I can’t begin to tell you the inner turmoil within myself when my spirit was asking me to step out of that conditioned lifestyle. My brain would not let me comprehend living another way.


Like most people we all have been conditioned to believe that life has to be some particular way; that the rich get richer, that the poor get poorer or that my religion/lifestyle is the only way back to God/Heaven.  Some even believe that its healty and natural to argue in a relationship. Arguing causes stress and stress causes the body to react in a fight or flight reaction. How could that possibly good for anyone?


My brain was  so deeply conditioned that I no longer knew what I wanted out of life. In my self discovery I realized that what I thought I wanted was truly not what I wanted but what others before me wanted. I had to go to war with myself in order to finally be myself. How powerful is that? I had to defeat myself in order to allow my authentic self to stand alone.


I decided a few years ago that I needed to set the standard for what I expected out of life, my friends and my intimate relationships. I knew that I sought peace in life and that I needed to do everything within my means to find it.I knew that  I no longer wanted to get angry at my ex loves for not giving me what I needed. I knew that  I no longer wanted to be sad by the friends who dissappointed me.  I knew that I no longer wanted to react in the same patterns that I always did when things didn’t go my way and not to over react when it did. I also knew I no longer wanted to be such a serious person.


Something in my life had to change because I was no longer okay with what I allowed into my spirit. Just like we need a healthy body we also need a healthy spirit. Because of this change that I needed I let go of friends who were no longer apart of my journey because they were comfortable with where they were. I’m also sure that because of this change that I was going through I caused heart ache in womens lives that quite possibly loved the guy that I was.  But the guy that I had been i was not in love with.


So I kept changing and progessing; so like those friends I had to let them off on another level because I desired to go higher and they weren’t quite ready to go with me. Everyone that comes into your life is not meant to stay with you the entire time. So while I do apologize to anyone that I may have hurt I do not apologize for the growth.


I’ve wanted to have a centered life for awhile now and I’ve been trying to explain to people what that means. And as easy as it might seem when reading the next few words it isn’t easy.  Centeredness for me means continous positive energy, it means no judgement of individuals, it means being able to adapt to whatever comes your way. It means very little ego emotions. I’ve been searching for things in my life that I couldn’t explain to others all that was just a feeling. What I did know was that  I wanted to be a better me.


Recently Ive  been reading a leadership book called The Soul Of Leadership: Unlocking your potential by Deepak Chopra.In this book I realized that what I’ve been searching for is Pure Consciousness because what I now know is that there are at least 7 attritbutes to consciousness.


  1. Centeredness
  2. Self-Motivation
  3. Coherence
  4. Intuition, insight
  5. Creativity
  6. Inspiration
  7. Transcendence

Obviously there are so many more levels to Consciousness but it ultimately comes down toAwareness. All 7 of these things I’ve been trying represent in my life. Let me be the first to tell you this that it can not be done with a close mind,a clouded mind or disillusioned mind.


Re-conditioning ones thinking into a new outlook requires faith in yourself that you are on the right path, regardless of those who disagree with you. I’ve tried to explain to people that I’m not non-emotional or non-caring I simply am trying to stay centered.


I say all that to say this; there has been a lot on my mind the last few days even though I’ve been doing my daily meditations twice a day. I’ve been wondering when I will find the partner who lives the lifestyle that I too am living.  a life partner who strives not to rush into situations or judgements and a partner whos outlook is positive not negative.


i’ve also been thinking about my blackness and my roots. I’ve been thinking about what it will take for me as a black man with dred locks to move up in the corporate world. Regardless of what others may believe the color of ones skin still plays a major factor in life. There is a part of me that is trying to understand this bias, a part of me that doesn’t understand staying centered. I was walking down carytown last night looking through the windows and I couldn’t imagine seeing a sign that said “white only” or a water fountain that says the same thing as if I’m lesser than others.


I’ve also been thinking about the poverty that was apart of my life for 27 years and how hard I’m working to not fall back in that situation. What stays on my mind the most about that is the fact that until I own my own company I am always replaceable which means i can always be thrust back into poverty. This realization coming back to the forefront with the closing of my work place.


I don’t think about many other things right now in my life. All is well in my world but these 3 things I’ve been thinking about and no matter how much centeredness and awareness I have in my life these three things give me pause. Its time to put a plan in place in my life to organize these three things in a way that gives me peace. As i write these words i am unsure of this plan but just know a plan is being formulated.


I live my life openly for those who really want to get to know me and I write these words not for you but because its a release for me. These are not all of my thoughts the last few days but they are my thoughts nonetheless……


Thank You God

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