Until Tomorrow

This is not a article about death, it’s a article about life and tonight I could close my eyes never to open them again. In fact, tomorrow could be the day that you’ll never see another updated status from me, another selfie from me or another comment from me and for some; just reading those words brings an uncomfortable feeling in them.

They love me and I love them and the thought of either of us no longer living is saddening; but this is a fact of life; death happens. Any of us within our next breath could cease to exist, which is why I do my best to live my life my way.

And my way is often not accepted by many, and my way often leaves me treading a path that I forge alone and my way often gets people looking at me crazy but my way has brought me the most happiness. For awhile there in my 20’s I was certainly living standards created by other people but pretending that it was my own beat that I was drumming to. I was unhappy, I was confused, I was self conscious, I was a black man unsure of his place in his very own world. I saw the box they placed me in and I called it home. I had 4 walls and a ceiling and that box was big enough for me…….until it wasn’t.

Luckily for me I had my ‘ah ha” moment in my mid 20’s and decided that I would no longer give a damn what other people thought about the man I was and the man I was creating myself to be. I wanted to stand out from the crowd, I wanted to give a different energy when I walked into the room and I wanted to be different. So I stepped outside of that box because I needed a new space, I needed new air, I needed a bigger box, I needed to fly.

And so, here I am, a different type of human being who views life with a very open and accepting perspective. So open and accepting that those who cling to societal norms of masculinity have tried to dictate my masculinity.

Why? Because in me are traits that have been associated with femininity for ages. I show my emotions, I speak my feelings, I dress different, I have gay friends, I support LGBTQ people, I take care of my looks, I sometimes cry when I see something empathetic or caring, I’m comfortable in spaces that aren’t heavy in masculine energy (to a certain degree), I’m not often aggressive and of course I don’t carry Alpha energy 24/7.

Truth is though, all I’ve ever been attracted to is pleasing women, loving women and the woman body. It just so happens that I’m also attracted to being a outspoken, confident, balanced emotional human male and that’s different, especially for a heterosexual black male in a hyper-masculine ego driven society.

Its popular for people to say to think outside the box or to don’t live inside your box but the truth is that if we look at the totality of our human life; we absolutely live inside the box we’ve created or inside the box others created for us and we never challenge the items that exist in the box. We just go, “oh here’s my life box, I’ll just have to make this work”. The truth is though, the content inside the box is often placed inside that space before we even stepped foot inside of it. And then once we’re existing in that space and identify the content that the world is telling us is us we just accept it without throwing any of it out.

We all live inside a box and some of us have expanded the boxes dimensions in order to be able to experience more things while living here on earth and some of us have not. Honestly, I’m not necessarily saying its better to have a bigger box to live in than a smaller box, especially if everything in said box is everyone else’s beliefs and not your own but if I had a choice (which I do) between less space to be breathe and more space to be breathe; then I’m going to choose the bigger box every time.

This is where I’ve been existing at least the last 8 years of my life for sure; inside a bigger box, filled with the thoughts, feelings, emotions, life experiences and beliefs of my own. Now, it would be mighty egotistical of me to think that inside my box I have nothing learned from others living within my space. Of course I have the opinions and beliefs of my friends, family and those who came before me in my box, I’m just explaining that I created a bigger space, newer dimensions for me and it to exist in.

But tomorrow all that could be gone and honestly, one year from now I could be nothing more than a afterthought, nothing more than a memory in someone’s Facebook memories and that’s why today I live for not who I want to be but for who I need to be. And I don’t waver on that; which makes people who don’t know me misconstrue who I am.

But we should not waver if we love who we truly are! Because what’s the point in living at all if we die living someone else’s life? What’s the point in breathing at all if we die having had to depend on someone else’s breath? What’s the point in existing in this space if all we’re going to do is conform in order to fit in? That’s not living, that’s death! That’s not growing that’s shrinking! Our lights in our house should not have to be dimmed in order to increase the shine in your friends.

“So many people live their lives not knowing the real and exact reasons why they live. They follow anything for something and they do something for anything. When you live life with a blurry vision, you live a blurry life. Vision is life, and a life without vision is a dead life” –Ernest Agyemang Yeboah said

What’s the vision you have for your life? Are you living life and creating life? Are you creating a bigger space for you and those watching you? How big is the box that you’re currently living in? What content was already in your box when you stepped inside of it? So many questions, so many decisions, so many indecision’s and yet; you could be gone tomorrow. Laticia Dezelle said “Don’t be so stuck in a situation or feeling that when the tide turns you can’t see the transformation or manifestation. The caterpillar eventually turns into a butterfly.

Its true that our lives are often very much like the caterpillar. We move slow through life trying to experience what we can but before you know it we’re stuck in our very own cocoon(box). We’re stuck in our cocoon, unable to move, unable to get to our destination, clinging dangerously on the flimsy limb where one gust of the east wind would end our lives. Some of us never make it out of the cocoon, we give up before the metamorphosis, thinking this is how life must be.

It’s not until we explode out of the cocoon that we become the butterfly and fly away. So don’t you see? There’s more to experience once you get outside of the cocoon/box you’re living in. Examine what has filled your space, analyze what has been holding you back from your transformation, identify what is filled in your box.

My box is filled with sexual freedom, spiritual growth, professional growth, self-help awareness, wisdom, porn, dirty thoughts, freaky thoughts, God, Science, nature, friends, family, personal beliefs, food porn, healthy living, understanding, communication, world knowledge, black history, black future, black present, American history, world history, loving people, personal growth, human psyche just to name a few. I’ve removed many things and I’ve added controversial things but if tomorrow I’m no more I know what they won’t say.

They won’t say I didn’t live my way, they won’t say I didn’t love people, they won’t say that I didn’t try to change lives, they won’t say I didn’t try to save lives, they won’t say that I didn’t treat people the way I wanted to be treated, they won’t say that I didn’t try to be a inspiration, they won’t say Jay lived a lame life and they won’t say that I didn’t try to be the best version of myself.
Tomorrow I may be gone and they might say Jay was an acquired taste but truth be told at the end of the day……I’m okay with that.

Earnestly, I don’t think about death much anymore, in fact I spend most of my time thinking about how to live more. I can’t control death; I just know that I feel as if I’m living my last days as a butterfly. I feel as if I’m breaking down my walls, living in spaces I never dreamed of before and I honestly can’t see the walls to the box I’m flying in but I know they exist. Yes I know, butterflies don’t live very long but at least they take flight before its all said and done. I’m not a butterfly collector, I don’t pin butterflies down in a box. I’m a butterfly, I spread my wings and I go. I just wish more people would fly with me.

Until Tomorrow,
Jay Noetic

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Dating: Just Pull The Tooth Already

I typically have a very favorable perspective about dating and rarely if ever do I turn to my blog to complain about the precarious scenarios that has become modern day dating. And I understand that most words that come after the word but are bad but listen; modern day dating is sorta like that one tooth in your mouth that started aching years ago. It’s been giving you signs that you need to go to the Dentist to have a look see but you’re too stubborn to go because you think it isn’t serious and that the ache will go away.

The next thing you know you’re chewing on one side of your mouth more often than a hillbilly chewing Skoal tobacco because every other chew/date hurts just a little and your stubborn ass keeps trying to chew on that tooth just to test it out to see if its gotten better. Well guess what! It hasn’t and the tooth is now kicking your ass and all you want is to get that motherfucker fixed so that you can eat your favorite meal in peace. That’s dating in 2019; a bad tooth ache that’s causing you pain and you need to get it fixed. But let me explain why it’s a pain.

Problem number 1, vulnerability; very few single people actually want to be vulnerable and yet these same people are expecting the other person to be the vulnerable one. Today’s dating people are expecting other people to take all the risk and they themselves reap all the rewards. Can you imagine being the person making all the phone calls, initiating all the text, planning all the dates, paying for all the dates, saying you miss them, saying that you like them, saying that you want to see them again and the only one sending nudes? Wait…sorry not that last part that’s for another time.

This is the case for many people dating today. They are either the one doing all the vulnerable actions or they are the one doing nothing. Which in turn makes the person being vulnerable grow weary of the one-sided affair and decides its better to retreat or worse yet; to become the one seeking all the rewards. Vulnerability is an important ingredient in finding love. So why is it that so many people are trying to find love without it? That’s the ultimate question at hand and one that few are trying to find a solution for.

Let’s be frank about people and vulnerability though, the facts are that most people are afraid of vulnerability because they’ve been dramatically hurt by people they were involved with when they were at their most vulnerable. Vulnerability is scary and dangerous when placed in the wrong hands and lets be honest; its kinda sorta like flossing when you haven’t flossed in awhile; it doesn’t really feel good. So while I completely understand the lack of wanting to floss I mean be vulnerable I still don’t recommend avoiding it if you’re looking for love.

Christina Enevoldsen said in her book The Rescued Soul that “In a healthy relationship, vulnerability is wonderful. It leads to increased intimacy and closer bonds., When a healthy person realizes that he or she hurt you, they feel remorse and they make amends. It’s safe to be honest.” So you see! Vulnerability is sweet when it’s with the right person and I think that’s the problem that has lead to so many people lacking the strength to be vulnerable, they haven’t had healthy relationships.

They’ve had or existed in unhealthy relationships, where vulnerability is seen as a weakness and is used against you. Listen, you don’t have to be a physicist to understand that the people they’ve been involved with don’t understand vulnerability in its totality and don’t know how to communicate what they’re seeing, feeling and expecting.

Which brings me to problem number 2 in modern day dating; communication. I’m a firm believer that the majority of the problems making dating and relationships exponentially worse in each and every phase of relationship building is the lack of healthy communication. We literally have people who think they’re good communicators communicating with divisive body language, verbal language and text language but refuse to acknowledge that their form of communication is causing the pain in the tooth to become deep rooted. Abscess much?

Communication in relationships probably should be the highest priority made outside of remaining faithful to one another but for whatever reason communication when dating no longer takes precedence or even worse some form of communication happens but leaves at least one individual with more questions than answers before they began the attempted communication.
Charles Bernard Shaw saidThe single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” Healthy communication isn’t taking place in modern day dating but the illusion that it is surely is happening. Relationships fail because of individuals lacking the ability to properly express themselves and/or their partners not being able to understand the perspective. Let’s just call these actions the fracturing of the tooth in the relationship.

Every emotion, thought and feelings are being communicated through text messages or social media and once the two individuals are in person there’s either an explosion of things unsaid or nothing said at all with passive aggressive remarks being said on social media a few hours later where they get reassured by their followers and the options they think they have. Which brings me to problem number three; the belief that we have many options.

Let’s be honest; most of the single people don’t have as many options as they think they do but yet date like they’re the next best thing since sliced bread as if other more tasteful forms of bread doesn’t exist. There’s rye, sourdough, whole wheat, pita, brown bread, ciabatta, Naan, Brioche, cornbread and bagels. Don’t get me wrong there’s nothing wrong with being a English muffin bruh but are you really the best when Banana nut bread exist?

I get it, boost yourself up, believe in yourself. After all; I think I’m the shit but even I understand that my shit stinks. The truth is, we don’t have all these options to choose from because some of the people you think you could be with only want to smash but won’t say that, some of the people who say they’re ready for a relationship know they really aren’t but can’t communicate it and the rest are a mix of people who don’t want to be vulnerable, can’t communicate or you just aren’t their type (and vice versa).

I remember one time I was dating this one woman, let’s call her Sharon. Sharon and I had already had some history but took a break. This time around I was dead serious and was 100% ready to commit to just her and I being exclusive so that we could see if we could make it work. My reason for not committing to her previously had nothing to do with another woman but everything to do with where she was at that time in her life and if I’m being completely honest, where I was as well.

I communicated all this back then to Sharon and clearly communicated my intention the 2nd time around. A few days later Sharon asked “Are you sure you’re ready to just date me? I’m asking because I’m about to cancel all my other dudes out” I said yes, lets do this. It never materialized because Sharon was more concerned about keeping her options than taking a chance on someone trying to take a chance on her. She never made a decision and Sharon is still single, frustrated and lonely asking where all the good men are because none of her options really wanted to be with her…they just wanted to smash.

I can’t speak for every single man or woman in the dating world but from my perspective this is the reality that has become modern day dating. It’s a cluster fuck bruh and the culprits of the confusion are

  1. Lack of Vulnerability
  2. Poor Communication
  3. Fake Options

And us of course and surely I could add to this list but as I see it; these are the three major contributors wrecking havoc in our dating bodies. These are the three ingredients contributing to the bad tooth in our mouths that’s causing the massive headaches. They are by all accounts a cavity. But what are the solutions Doc?

First, be vulnerable for the right person but in order to do that you need to be able to determine who is the right person and who isn’t the right person. No one can tell you who that is but I’d be willing to bet money that the one who’s wrong makes you feel like you’re just another option. Start there and once you find someone who treats you like you’re the choice then you treat them the way you want to be treated.

Secondly, be a grown ass person and learn how to have conversations that will propel your relationships forward even when you and partner are in the midst of your biggest disagreements. Pick up the phone and talk it out, massage your bae’s feet as you talk out the solution. Learn how to listen to understand instead of listening to reply. Communication does not have to be difficult if we learn to create safe spaces for our lovers to exist in.

And last but certainly not least, fuck your options! No not literally; but I mean you can do that too but I mean cut them off when someone is ready to take a chance on you. Operate like like the only option you have is loving yourself when the right one comes along because if you really do love yourself then you’re smart enough to understand that you really don’t have as many meaningful options as you think and if someone is ready to love you then you owe it to yourself to let them choose you.

There’s an old saying that says “you don’t have to brush all your teeth, just the ones you want to keep” and I don’t know about all of you reading this but I’m tired of chewing on one side of my mouth and I’m tired of wondering if this toothache is going to go away…..hey Doc, just pull the tooth already! I gots 27 more teeth to go!

Selling Out For Love

Life creeps up on you pretty past; one moment you’re a 17-year-old boy with no worries in the world and the next moment you’re a 37-year-old Black man trying not to offend people with your mere presence. I’ve often wondered how I’ve managed to make it this long without my mind splintering from societal expectations and societal stereotypes of a black man misunderstood.  To the dismay of many people who’ve disliked me over my life span here I stand alive and well; staring down another pivotal crossroads in my life.

It’s true that I’ve come upon many other pivotal moments in my life and made decisions to better my life and in some worsened my life.  And this is probably not a really great transition but as I mentioned I’m 37 and I’ve only seriously dated Black women for the majority of my adult life. This revelation is not shocking I know; seeing how most people still only date within their race but the reason this is a pivotal moment for me is because for the first time ever; I’m dating outside of my race.

When I was a teenager living in a predominantly white county in Virginia called Gloucester I found myself attracted to White girls and I say girls because that’s what they are when under the age of eighteen.  The truth is; to a certain extent we’re surely products of our environments; meaning we like what we see, converse a certain way, and dress in certain fashions based on the environment we live in or grew up in and so most of my friends were white in 1992.   When my mom moved my younger sister and I to Essex County, Virginia a couple of years later when I was in the 7th grade it was more of a mixture of demographics but heavily Black American.

As to be expected because of the environment; I now found myself attracted to black girls and my friends were now black as well with the occasional white person sprinkled in. This would remain the case from 14-19 years of age and  in my early 20’s I did date (and I use the word date loosely) many different races. Did I have sex with white women and Asian women in my early 20’s? Absolutely! But did I date any of those women seriously? Not really and not because I was worried about what other people would think but more so because I had began to believe in the idea of having a strong black family. That’s what I desired most; so even though I had quite the sexual appetite for all sorts of women; the only women that I tried to establish a real connection with was a black woman.

Some of you are probably waiting for the “but” or negative commentary that typically comes with articles written by black men when discussing black women. There is no but and there is no negative commentary towards black women in this article. I absolutely love and adore Black women. In fact, if you listen to any of my All Tea No Shade Podcast episodes I’m very defensive for black women and will go to my death-bed uplifting black women.  This is not a piece speaking down on black women or mixed women who identify as black.

This is an article about me finally seriously dating outside of my race for the first time in my life and my legitimate concern that the black community (specifically black women) will think and say that I’m turning my back on black women. Will they care about all of the years prior that I dedicated to black women? Will they care about all the struggles I’ve had in my dating life when dating black women? I don’t know but if social media is the barometer of what to expect when a black man dates anyone that isn’t a black woman then the answer to that question isn’t pretty.

At what point does one do something different in order to try to get a different result?  How much soul-searching, self-reflecting and self improving can one do before they realize that maybe it’s time to move in a different direction? Does it make sense to do the same thing at the detriment of a life goal?  These are but a small sample size of questions that not only I’ve been asking myself but what I encourage anyone reading this to consider as well.

Many don’t know the work you’ve put in prior to end result or even to your current moment. All they see is where you’ve ended and most often ignore everything prior. I’ve been seriously and exclusively dating black women for 17 years and ending up with the same result. This result has been a reflection of myself and a reflection of black women. Neither party (at least in my circumstance) are innocent as to why I haven’t been able to find love.  Let me also say that I completely understand that not all black women are the same and I’m by no means lumping all black women into the same box. So even though I’m making a generalized statement regarding black women, understand that I don’t mean all of you as I’ve clearly not dated all black women.

With that said, I don’t appear to be the type of good black man who good black women want. Look; I get it and I always tell people that “just because you’re a good person and they’re a good person doesn’t mean that you’re good together.” Truthfully speaking though; I sometimes wonder if black people are causing our own relationship struggles because we can’t get out of our own way with the type of beliefs we have regarding love. And not to alienate any other ethnicity I’m convinced all of you have similar struggles as well.

Case in point; I recently went on 5 dates the last 2 months and 4 of the 5 were with black women. Four of the women cut me off or lost interest in me once I told them I wasn’t Christian. It didn’t matter that I was a good ass man who would support them and uplift them. Their belief that I had to be a Christian in order to be marriageable was a deal breaker for them. For the last 6 years I stayed away from dating Christian women because too often in the past I ran into this problem but because of the ever-changing dating landscape and me wanting to give myself the best chance at love, I decided to give it another try in 2018. So far? I’ve yielded the same results.

If finding love, if finding a healthy relationship, and if wanting to find a life partner is  one of the goals in your life;  then you owe it to yourself to date different in order to get different results. It’s on you and it’s on me to stop doing the same thing expecting a different result. So, knowing this; the 5th woman who I went on a date with recently is a Hispanic woman; Dominican to be exact and her mother is Black Dominican. I won’t lie and tell you that I’ve never considered dating a woman of Latino descent because the truth is I’ve always had an affinity for Latino women. However; for whatever reason the opportunity never presented itself until recently and the fact that she didn’t discard of me when she found out I wasn’t Christian was encouraging and we’ve had a great connection so far.

Anyone that knows me, knows that I believe that Black People and Hispanic People are damn near identical except in language and skin complexion; so for me; dating a Dominican woman is no different from dating a Black woman especially if she’s versed in black culture. This is me dating outside of my race for the first time in 17 years and even though I see no difference I understand that many do see a difference.  It does bother me some that if it does so happen to work out with the beautiful Dominican woman; that many will try to cast me aside as not caring about Black women and Black culture but love has no color.

My black skin doesn’t disappear because I’m now dating outside of my race, my love for black women doesn’t stop because I found someone who isn’t black to love me for me (if that happens) but I know there will be some black people out there that will call me a “sell out”.  In truth; that shouldn’t matter to me but it does in the sense that it discredits all of the tears, stress, arguments, time, hard work and years spent compromising  prior to that change. It discredits all of the years spent actually trying to find black love.  Should someone grow old by themselves when there’s a chance to find someone different to love them?

Ultimately I’m going to do what I want with who I want when I want and I suggest that you do as well if you’re trying to find love. There’s no doubt in my mind, in fact I’m certain that there are many people out there looking to date outside of their ethnicity but don’t because they’re worried about how it will look to others and what other people will say. Here’s the reality of the situation though; people will always have something to say even if you found a man or woman who was the spitting image of the people talking shit.

People who date outside of their race aren’t giving up on their race(well I guess some of them are), they’re just giving up trying the same thing over and over again and all of us should applaud the person bold enough to be different, to do different  and to think different in general but especially when it comes to finding the love they desire in their lives.  There are people reading this who are tired of getting the same dating results and they’re at a crossroads of sorts. Do they continue to be frustrated with their dating lives or do they say fuck it, I’m going to try something different?

I’m going to continue to date Black women and for the first time in my adult life I’m also going to seriously date outside of my race in an effort to expand my dating pool.  There’s someone out there for everyone but it doesn’t mean they necessarily look like you and I or for that matter even in the same age range as us.  Let’s stop ridiculing people for doing what all of us should be doing and that’s giving real love the opportunity to exist in our lives. They’re not any less of anything just because their lover doesn’t look like them and they don’t stop dealing with their cultural issues just because they date outside of their race. I love all women, I love all minority women and I especially love black women and that won’t ever change.  If you’re a black woman reading this; I got your back always but I’ll also have my Dominican mujer’s back too if it ever comes to that.

I’ll leave you with this. I’ve noticed a troubling trend where everyone is trying to date from the same small population of people. If you can, imagine for a moment that you’re a fisherman/fisher-woman and the boat owner (God) dropped  you off in the middle of the Ocean to fish.  The owner of the boat tells you that you can fish anywhere in the Ocean and that you can bring back any type of fish you want.  She/he then hands you a blank piece of paper.

You ask the owner what the paper is for and he says “it’s for you to write down what kind of fish you want to bring back”  You begin to write down specific types of fish, from weight to size, to color, to what they eat. You then hand that piece of paper back to the owner to see if she approves and she says; “I see; well these types of fish are only in this small part of the Ocean but good luck with your catch”.

You head out to that one specific location in the ocean and when you get there you realize there are thousands of other fishermen in “your” location.  Determined to not be deterred you spends months casting in that exact same spot. You caught a few fish but when you brought them onboard to make sure they met your requirements you realized they were all bad fish that had been thrown back in by other fishers.

You get back to the dock and you’re tired, frustrated and fish-less. The owner of the boat asks “what happened?” And you say “the type of fish I wanted to catch couldn’t be found because everyone already took them or they were all bad”. The owner ask, “well did you ever consider changing the type of fish you wanted to catch?” You say ” well yes, but I had already committed to what I had written down on paper”. The owner says “well that’s nobody’s fault but your own. I put you in the middle of the ocean and told you to it was yours to fish in and you decided to fish in the same spot as everyone else”.

If trying something different in order to find love makes us a sell out then I suggest we all sell out for love and give zero fucks about what others think. Afterall; like Jay-Z said….”what he eats don’t make me shit” and if one the Carters said it then it must be true.

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
― Steven Wright

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whispers from Strangers

Those who don’t know you don’t get you and those who don’t get you are likely strangers living vicariously through you. They’re strangers to actually knowing who you are, what you’re about and how you’re trying to live your life and I can say this with absolute confidence because anyone who’s a true friend of yours or someone who’s opinion you value will know exactly the type of person you are. Strangers who know not who you are should have very little impact (if any at all) on how you feel about yourself but sometimes the words of others that you hear through the grapevine can cut deep if you allow it.

The unfortunate truth about people is that when you keep your business and lifestyle private to everyone except those in your circle/family then those on the outside are forced to create their own story-line about who you are, what you do and how you think. They take the little bit that they do know, the little they did know and combine it with the whispers from strangers to build their own version of you to fit the narrative they have of you.

This is most often created in a way to make themselves feel elevated above you because who you appear to be makes them uncomfortable and the only way to feel comfortable again is to create a version of you that’s opposite of their own beliefs and lifestyle. Nine times out of ten the version of you that exist in their mind is slightly negative in one way or another. It’s not right, it’s not fair but such is life, this is what strangers do.

Truthfully, sometimes people who were once in your circle and are now in new circles but still interact with parts of your circle contribute to the false narrative as well because they assume they still know you and it’s only natural to be bothered by what you’ve heard them say when you catch wind of it. Most often your first few thoughts are; “how could they say that” and “they know that’s not me” or quite simply it makes you feel “some type of way” about it.

I’m here to tell you that their thoughts, opinions and false narrative about who you are don’t matter (insert hand claps >>>>>)..point….blank….period. They don’t matter and they’re on the outside looking in for many reasons and the only way they can get inside of you is by you allowing them in. Do you choose to give them control over you?

I’ve been there before; I’ve been the person trying to convince people who don’t know me to understand me. I’ve been the person trying to keep people on the inside who deserve to be on the outside . I’ve been the person who’s caught wind of the whispers of strangers and let it affect me. I’ve been the person on the receiving end of a text message from someone you once called a friend and being in shock by what you just read wanting to go the fuck off on them.

Listen, it’s not worth your time, it’s not worth your frustration and it’s certainly not worth the high blood pressure that’s associated with the bullshit that comes along with trying to fix it. Socrates once said “Strong minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, weak minds discuss people” so unless you think Socrates is a idiot why would you want to waste your time with weak-minded people who just want to discuss what they think they know about your character?

“Insecure people only eclipse your sun because they’re jealous of your daylight and tired of their dark, starless nights.”
Shannon L. Alder

Let the whispers that you hear from strangers fall on deaf ears and let the strangers that whisper; sleep on the bed of lies that put crooks in their backs. The misaligned can’t be aligned with authenticity. So just continue to remain true to yourself and keep pushing forward in the life you’re living but never allow false information to ruin your vibe, your frequency and your energy.

More importantly however is that you don’t contribute to the whispers about someone else that you really don’t know. Don’t be what frustrates you; in fact, be better than that and either shut down the false narrative being created or step away from the conversation. If they who are talking ask you why you did that? Just tell them you don’t participate in the tearing down of someone’s character.

grapevine

Understand; I’m not trying to be obtuse to how you might feel about the words that you might hear about your false self from someone speaking inaccurate information but if you know those words hold no merit then you don’t have to grin and bear it. Furthermore, if a person doesn’t have the desire to get to know the true you or re-acquaint themselves with you after a shift in the friendship then you don’t have to pretend to care and you don’t have to be the one to reach out to figure out what’s going on. Move on in love until the alignment occurs.

Now, if the whispers are cutting deep because they hold some truths and not because a stranger said it then instead of getting angry with the people who’ve said it; get aligned with yourself and work on those issues. The worst kind of person to be is the kind of person who doesn’t fix the very flaws they themselves see everyday but are quick to call out others. Look, I’m typically not a bible person but somewhere in the bible there’s a passage that translates to don’t be a hypocrite! First remove the beam out of your own eye, and then you can see clearly to remove the speck out of your brother’s eye. Regardless of the belief that’s some real information.

I write these words for anyone feeling isolated in their friendships and networks. I write these words for anyone trying to find their place in the relationships that they have yet to figure out. I write these words for anyone angry, sad and frustrated by the whispers of strangers. I write these words for anyone wanting to pull back from their goal of doing things differently this year and onward. Don’t you quit, don’t you retreat, don’t you put up your walls just because someone doesn’t get you, doesn’t appreciate you or doesn’t fucks with you.

Everyone isn’t going to like you just like everyone doesn’t like me. People have preconceived notions about who I am and they’ve never had one face to face conversation with me. That’s what people do and if I stopped being authentic just because of those people then the people I really care about will suffer and so will yours. I leave you with this. Bill Cosby will never be looked at the same again due to the rape allegations (whether true or not) but one thing I’ll never forget about him were these words he said. “I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.” So why care about the whispers of strangers? Let go and elevate.

“They asked what we were most afraid of. Some said they were afraid of dying and I said dying afraid”-Jay Noetic

Love & Vulnerability

Love & Vulnerability goes together like snow and Northern winter’s in the United States of America; which if you’re from anywhere up north in the USA understand that you can’t have one without the other. In fact, if we were to have winter without snow a northerner might think the world was about to end.

Much like cold winters, love comes across excruciatingly cold if vulnerability isn’t attached with it and yet many people are attempting to modern-day date without being vulnerable (myself included). It begs the question, are people looking for love or are they looking for someone to help pass the time with? The truth of the situation is there’s no true love without true vulnerability which I’ll explain in a bit.

In my writing’s, articles and conversations I use to say there’s no wrong way to love because we’re all shaped by the environments we grew up in, the past relationships we loved in and the belief boxes we’ve placed ourselves in when it comes to understanding love but we know through experiencing life we can love incorrectly right? So I don’t say there’s no wrong way to love anymore because it’s inaccurate.

Clearly wrong love is done through physical abuse, mental abuse and cheating to name a few but outside of that, it’s not that someone is loving you the wrong way, it’s that they’re loving you the only way they know how and their type of love doesn’t make you feel loved. They’re loving you the right way for them and vice versa. Getting that person to love the correct way that works for you is up to both people involved to teach, listen and learn.

Past Experiences teach us how to love but that doesn’t mean it taught us how to specifically love you. -Jay Noetic

The correct way to love is through vulnerability but vulnerability is scary as shit, let’s just call a spade a spade and call it what it is. We know what vulnerability isn’t and it isn’t easy to be and still, we expect others to be vulnerable before you and I in the dating world and I think we all know that’s unfair and likely to fail at each attempt of finding love.

Vulnerability has a negative connotation attached to it which may explain why so many avoid it (especially men) and if you look up the definition of the word vulnerable it’s not defined as anything good. It’s defined as “susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm” and one of the main synonyms for the word vulnerable is “defenseless”. Let me ask you two question’s, can you find love being always guarded? Can you give love if you’re guarded in your actions?

Love requires that you let down your guard, love requires that you become emotionally defenseless and love requires that you see the person trying to get to know you enough to love you as your friend and not your enemy. It’s about trusting in your ability to distinguish between an ally and a foe, it’s about remembering that the hurt you remember from being vulnerable in your past relationships don’t define the rest of your potential relationships unless you let it.

For whatever reason vulnerability seems to come easier for most women than it does for most men. Why is that? We can debate for day’s but here’s a semi attempt at explaining based on living as man. Men for most of our lives have been educated by societal norms on being strong, non-emotional and stern and it takes a special woman coming into our lives to show us the softer side of things and the other side of things. Sorry ladies but we don’t know how to take chances on love until we have no other option but to. This isn’t because we don’t want to it’s because love requires being emotionally available and most men are not emotionally available at first.

Most of us (women and men) know nothing about complete openness and most of us don’t know what it feels like to let anyone see our true selves because inside our true selves is a complicated web of messy energy that we’ve never sorted out and we’re scared if someone see’s that, it will scare them away. Truthfully, the one or two times that we’ve actually decided to be vulnerable it backfired and now we hold on to those painful memories and experiences like our lives depend on it.

The sad truth is that by holding on to that painful past experiences and memories it actually sucks the life out of us and that energy can be felt when we’re on a date with someone and that scares more people away than our messy deeper issues. You owe it to yourself to take more chances on finding a life partner and the only way to find that life partner is by first being vulnerable with the person who reciprocates exactly what you’re giving to them.

Once love arrives and is found it requires communication to the highest degree to sustain it and mold it into a loving, defenseless and passionate relationship. Passion dies when communication subsides. Remember that!

I personally will be working on my vulnerability beginning with the very next young lady that comes into my life. I’m going to trust in the process of love and take more chances in love with a focus on being less guarded. That’s scary as hell but growing old by myself scares me more.

Now, I can’t speak for women because obviously I’m a man and I can only give you the man’s perspective from the outside looking in but it appears that more women are taking on characteristics that were once associated with men and not being emotionally available seems to be one of those characteristics.

Maybe this “I don’t want to be vulnerable” trait has always been part of women as well, maybe society taught little girls to shoot for marriage, kids, house and a picket fence but not vulnerability. I don’t know, maybe some of my women readers can speak on this but what I do know is that modern-day dating feels like standing outside in a New York winter with no long johns and Parka jacket, meaning “hey, it’s cold out here” (in New York Italian voice). Maybe women are just getting pay back for all the years of men being unattached.

What I do know is in a recent study published in the Journal of Social Psychology, showed that men were more likely to fall in love within a few weeks, while most women said it took several months. In another survey taken in London (don’t let that dissuade you, after-all, all men are the same right?) one in five men claimed to have fallen in love at first sight. Just over half were smitten after one meeting and nearly three-quarters had lost their hearts within three dates.

In contrast, only one in ten women said they had experienced love at first sight. Most waited until at least the sixth date before deciding whether or not they had found the ‘real thing’. In that same survey most men were likely to say “I love you first” than most women. So really, who’s the least likely to be vulnerable first? Men or Women?

I personally believe that most men have a harder time expressing themselves than women  and I believe finally making a decision to be with someone comes easier for women because they ask more serious questions in the initial dating phases. But if the study and survey holds any weight then once the right woman comes into a man’s life that man has no problem being vulnerable first.

The fact is, no one is innocent in this debacle of the dating world that we’re living in right now but everyone is responsible for setting realistic dating expectations. The question for all of us single people should not be who’s more vulnerable but instead how do we become vulnerable together.

And to that question I have no certifiable answer but I think honest communication with self and the people we’re dating is a great place to start. If we can learn to look at vulnerability as a strength and not a weakness I think we can begin to change the scene. We clearly have bigger issues between men and women but I have no doubt that the people who’ve found love; found love by being open for a potential attack and setback but kept pushing onward regardless………..now, where’s my parka?

“Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” ― Brené Brown,

 

 

Are you his Safe Haven?

Most women are nurturer’s and when most women who are nurturers see someone they love or care for hurting they mostly go into “let me help you FEEL better” mode. Now; let’s be clear here that not all women are nurturer’s just like all men aren’t fixer’s. Truth be told some women have what society thinks are male traits and some males have what society thinks are female traits.

Some men when they see a problem or their partner in a funk will try to fix the issue with a solution so that their partner can move forward but not necessarily making the person FEEL better but instead getting them to move past the issue, understanding, that time will heal the wound but that the wound will never begin to heal if the first step is not taken.

Let me say here that to generalize an entire demographic because of what others might do would do more harm than good but for the sake of time when I say “women” or “men”  going forward in this article understand that I’m speaking of  some women and  some men, not all collectively.

In relationships there are going to be some very difficult times for the individuals involved and I think most intelligent, mature adults understand this fact and expect it in both healthy and unhealthy relationships. However, how those issues are resolved often tend to be what makes and breaks relationships due to someone not communicating properly and/or someone not truly listening to their partner.  This issue falls on both men and women but ladies, you really need to LISTEN to your man when you see him in a bad place and here’s why.

Men tend to internalize their stress, their worries, their problems. Men don’t talk  much about their struggles because we think about finding the solution, find the solution and move onward.  It’s also true that many times even with the solution figured out the man just needs a little bit of time to get out of that funk. Ladies, if you’re lucky enough to be in a relationship with a man who expresses himself openly with you then you better lock him down because it takes time, patience and trust for a man to openly express what’s going on with him.

With that said, men will tell you exactly what they need from you in their time of need. Men will be very direct about what they need from you when they aren’t feeling good, feeling down or are in a funk and it falls on to you to LISTEN to what he says and to give him what he has expressed to you. Trust me, even if it’s just one sentence, that will be exactly what he expects from you because that’s his solution. Understand these words, it’s not your responsibility to try to give that man something else different. It’s not your responsibility to try make him FEEL better in a different way if he has made it clear to you what will make him feel better.

That advice can be given to both men and women. Listen to what your partner is telling you they need from you in their time of need and do exactly that, not what you think they need. Women, you don’t get to tell your man what  he needs when he has told you what he needs. That’s selfish to do so and it means you aren’t listening.  We as people don’t have the right to convince our partners of what will make them feel better when they’ve already expressed it to us. I say that again to drive home that point. If this is what they say they need this is what we should give them until they move forward or we see that it isn’t working.

For men, their woman is their safe haven and more often then not all the man needs from you is for you to be by his side. Be the place he can come to in order to feel back at peace and centered. Be the haven where he can rest his mind because trust me, his mind has been racing long before you probably noticed it and the last thing that man wants to do is talk about what he has already figured out.  And if he hasn’t figured it out and he trust you completely, he’ll ask you what you think, what your opinion is or what do you think he should do. He’ll do that because you’re his SAFE HAVEN.

Haven:” a place of safety or refuge”

I remember in my last relationship where I wasn’t feeling good about some of circumstances that existed in my life but the one thing I did feel good about was my woman and our relationship but I was stressed out and my woman could see it and feel it and she began thinking my energy was about her but it wasn’t.

When we talked about it I expressed to her what was going on with me and I also expressed to her that what I needed from her the most was for her to just “be by my side and that when I come over to just lay by me and touch me”.  I expressed to her that what I needed was for her to be the place I could rest my mind.

Unfortunately she convinced herself that it was more to it and eventually created a problem where there once was no problem.  She didn’t listen to what was said, she decided she wanted to nurturer me in a way that suited her and when it wasn’t received it then became a problem about her and I. And then of course she was no longer my safe haven.

Ladies, the only time you should do opposite of what’s being said to you by your man is when the man has no clue about who he is, what he needs or that he’s been all over the place for awhile and it’s been bringing down your relationship. Outside of that, listen to what’s being said and I promise you your relationship with your man will grow exponentially.

It’s a known fact that men don’t express themselves as openly as women so ladies if you know this fact then it’s up to you  to truly hear what’s being said by your man. Listen, he who speaks little, often speaks with his truth. It seems like no one wants to listen anymore. It seems like everyone wants to be heard. How will relationships survive if everyone is giving their opinion and ideas while no one is truly listening? It can’t survive and your relationships won’t survive either.

Did you know that North American men going through divorce are eight times more likely than divorcing women to commit suicide.” ? Why do you think that is? One of the reasons is  “A man is less likely to have the group support that a woman has, especially if he has been working in a career during his marriage. A woman is more likely to have developed emotional bonds outside of her job with friends, whereas a man is more likely to focus on his work. When the divorce comes, he is only left with work and no more emotional support. After work, he is more likely to go home to his space and stew over what went wrong. As a result, the sense of isolation for a man is very intense after divorce. Another link between divorce and suicide.” Read this article on Suicide in Divorced Men

Why do you think that is? Because women are a man’s SAFE HAVEN. If you’re a woman and you’re reading this, YOU ARE WHAT A MAN TRUST IN when he’s fully committed to you. We talk to you, we express ourselves to you albeit very little but we count on you to be by our side in the time of need.  Don’t take away that safe space that he puts your relationship in by not listening to what he tells you he needs.

When you see your man stressed or not being his normal go lucky self or whatever it is he normally does, just ask him very directly  “Bae, what do you need from me because I see something different in you? And then just listen and then do…….do not create something out of nothing and do not make it about you….unless of course you’re the problem.  🙂

“Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.”
― Nicholas SparksSafe Haven

 

 

 

 

 

 

Modern Day Dating Phases

Search for the person who out of bad habit you hide parts of yourself from and yet they still manage to see you- Jay Noetic

I’ve recently began dating again a few months ago and when I say dating what I mean exactly is that I’ve actively been seeking, looking and changing my energy to find a woman who I can build a healthy relationship with. I’ve been non-attached (single) to a woman for over six months now but wasn’t ready to seriously begin dating until about three months ago.

Like many people who get out of relationships I found myself trying to replace the void that existed too soon. I went on a few dates soon after my break up only to realize that I wasn’t ready to bring someone new into my life and so I decided to take a step back from dating anyone when I realized I wasn’t quite healed. What I understand about dating after a breakup  is that you’ll do more internal damage to yourself by moving forward with someone when you aren’t completely over the hurt, shock and disbelief that comes from a breakup.

Breakups can leave you defensive and bitter while keeping you turned off mentality, spiritually, sexually and emotionally. In all honesty being defensive and bitter exist in the negativity spectrum and anything negative has the potential of drawing lower energies towards you. So if you’re actively dating while still holding on to the memories, actions and energy from the past relationships you will likely attract unhealthy relationships moving forward and no one wants that, not even a bitter Betty.

So I took a few more months to heal myself mentally, I took a few more months to rebuild my energy and I took a few more months to rebuild my confidence in self. I also took time to examine my dating philosophies and I’m convinced that not enough people do this. During my reexamination I realized that there are three different phases of dating after a breakup and that I’m finally moving into phase two.

I looked around for articles written about these phases but most articles were written about the phases of grief after a breakup or the phases men go through  in dating but I couldn’t find anything regarding the dating phases we all go through when we’re finally healed after a breakup and want to begin dating once again.

Each phase requires a different amount of energy and attention and each phase should be enjoyed and not rushed until you’re ready. I believe them to be these…

  1. Phase 1:  Companionship Dating
  2. Phase 2: Focused Dating
  3. Phase 3: Intimately Dating
  • Companionship Dating: In every recently single persons life there comes a moment where the single person no longer wants to be by themselves but not necessarily want to be in a relationship. The single person has likely spent the last five months to two years (sometimes longer) “doing them”; meaning that they’ve re-learned how to love themselves again, they learned from their mistakes and didn’t entertain any other people other than close friends and family. In this moment the single person realizes it’s time to get back in the dating world because they desire companionship. They desire the attraction and interaction of someone they’re physically attracted to. They desire the deeper conversation that isn’t residing in their own head and they begin to randomly date the people they are physically attracted to. Rarely if ever are they thinking about anything else other than “having fun”. The companionship dating phase is often frowned down upon because people think  that the individual who’s in this stage is “playing games” but in truth they just aren’t where someone else might be. Many people who are in this phase aren’t honest about being in this phase because they think most people won’t date them if they admit this. There’s nothing wrong with this phase. In fact, I’d even suggest that more people should stay in this phase longer in order to avoid wasting the time of the individuals who are  Intimately dating. In a nutshell companionship dating means you need attention other than your own and this will likely come from dating more than one person.
  • Focused Dating: This phase of dating (as I believe it to be) is when the single person has come to the realization that they’re now ready to not only date but date with a focused purpose. That purpose could be to focus their attention on finding a healthy relationship or to date solely one person. The individual in this phase likely identified someone who they enjoyed spending time with in the companionship dating phase and realized after a certain amount of time of dating that they could see themselves being with someone in a relationship. Their energy switches from just having fun to finding someone they can build with. It’s still incorporates having fun but it now also includes dating with a purpose. This phase requires the single person to narrow their list and broaden their attention and time to those who deserve their focused attention. This is the phase that most single people believe themselves to be even when they really just want companionship dating but the stark difference between companionship dating and focused dating is that in focused dating you’re entertaining the thought of being in a relationship while in companionship dating that’s the furthest from the truth. If you asked them if they wanted a relationship they’d be like “LMAO GTFOH”….ghost
  • Intimately Dating: I think anyone who’s read this entire article understands what this third phase consist of. It’s the final phase of dating. Anyone in this phase has not only identified the person they want to be exclusive with but likely ARE in a relationship with said person. They are only dating one person with the sole purpose being to build a long-term relationship and for some that means marriage and for others that simply means relationship bliss. It’s called intimate for a reason. You should be opening your body, your mind, your soul to the individual you’ve identified as “the one”. To do this 100% before you and they have both reached the intimate dating phase would likely not end well for anyone.

Whichever phase you find yourself in take time to enjoy each one and don’t let anyone make you feel awful for being in different phases of your life. We’re all very different people with different desires, goals and ideas about life, love and relationships. You may not agree with these phases but I’m sure you’ll agree that everyone deserves to find their way.

I personally find myself now entering the Focused dating phase. What are your thoughts? Do you agree or disagree? Do you go about dating differently? Let me know!

“I am looking for the one I can’t fool.”
Kamand Kojouri

 

 

 

16 Reasons Why You Should Date a Male Empath

There are many different types of people that exist in this world that can ultimately be the perfect match for you but there is one type of person who’s a match for any woman (or man) spiritually mature and ready for a long lasting relationship. Of course I’m speaking about male empaths.

Before we get into the sixteen reasons you should date a male empath  let’s answer the question of “what is an empath”. Very quickly, being an empath is when you are affected by other people’s energies, and have an innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others.  Your life is unconsciously influenced by others’ desires, wishes, thoughts, and moods.  Being an empath is much more than being highly sensitive and it’s not just limited to emotions.  Empaths can perceive physical sensitivities and spiritual urges, as well as just knowing the motivations and intentions of other people.

Empaths are always open, so to speak, to process other people’s feelings and energy, which means that they really feel emotionally, mentally and spiritually, and in many cases take on the emotions of others. And now, without further ado, the sixteen reasons you should date a male empath.

  1. He will always be willing to listen to you when you need to talk because he’s an excellent listener.
  2. He will always be able to tell when you aren’t feeling well and will try to help you feel better.
  3. He will never hesitate to tell you whats on his mind or when he’s bothered.
  4. He’s always trying to find ways to enhance the relationship.
  5. He’s never selfish in the relationship.
  6. He believes in open and authentic communication without arguing.
  7. He puts your sexual needs first before his own because he knows that if you feel good he’ll feel good too.
  8. He’s emotionally balanced.
  9. He’s adventurous and wants to try new things in life.
  10. He’ll support your dreams no matter how crazy they may seem.
  11. He’ll shed a tear or two with you while watching that hopeless romantic chick flick.
  12. He’ll help you get your life uncluttered because clutter makes him feel weighed down.
  13. He won’t try to change you because he knows acceptance is the most beautiful thing in a relationship and knew your energy prior to getting in the relationship.
  14. He knows how to say “I’m sorry”
  15. He’ll have very little baggage if any at all.
  16. Once he commits to you he’s extremely loyal because he believes in Karma.

If you come across a male empath and he allows you into his circle/life consider yourself lucky as he will change your life for the better. Don’t fall for the mislabeling of this man being weak because he couldn’t be any further from weak.His strength is in knowing himself and people.  He’ll be able to protect you but you’ll have to be willing to protect his energy or else he’ll feel you’re just taking advantage of him and will silently walk away.

*Warning: Don’t attempt to date a male empath if you aren’t ready for a healthy relationship because he’ll cut you off by more than two red flags.

The Butterfly Effect

A Very minute change in the initial conditions of a system can have dramatic effects on that system over time- Chaos Theory

Can one small change  set off a chain of events that  lead to large-scale alterations of an event?Can a small decision that you make have a larger impact later on in life? Can a small decision that you make or not make tomorrow be the larger difference in someone’s life? Can someone’s small act of kindness be the “minute change” that prevents someone from becoming the person who might kill hundreds? Can someone else’s decision to quit their job and start their own company (employ you) because their manager was rude to them be the reason why you have a job now? Does the flap of a butterfly’s wings in Brazil set off a tornado in Texas?- Ed Lorenz. 

You and I make choices each and every day that we rarely think about. We do actions that come second nature to us and we rarely even think twice about it. I ask you reader, all those questions in the beginning to make you think twice about the things you say and don’t say and the things you do or do not do; to make you wonder. When we think about unity we often overlook how our decisions connect us all and how one decision can create a larger change in someone else’s life or in our very own life.

The theory behind the Butterfly effect is that it’s possible that the smallest change in a system can change the over all outcome of the end result. If we can but for a moment change the word system to “human-system” we can see how this theory  holds true in our lives as well and not just in the weather system which is where the Butterfly Effect was first used by mathematician Edward Lorenz. The best way for me to paint the clearest picture for you is to show you how it has worked in my own personal life.

In 2010 I got “let go” from my job. I was but a small piece in the bigger scheme of things with the company I was working for. But that one action by the general manager would then lead me to make a decision to uproot my life and move to Florida. Prior to that moment I was still hoping to keep my life in Virginia. No one gave it a second thought at that company once it was done. From that decision to be letting go, led me to make  another decision to move (which I did). Within my first year of living in Florida I made the decision to join a meetup group for young professionals where I met new people who would later become my friends.

One year after I moved to Florida my sister moved to Florida because she needed to get away from where she was and now had a brother to stay with in a place she could envision herself living. She would then meet her now fiancée because of it. Are you seeing the pattern from that one decision of me being let go? Do you see how that’s General managers small choice created a different effect in someone else’s life later on? After joining the meetup group, one year later I would make the decision to become the organizer for this group where I would meet a woman  who becomes one of my closest friends. Because of her I would then get a interview with a company I had never heard about before and then I would be able to refer my sister and other friends because of it.

A small decision to let go of me, led to larger events happening in other people’s lives later on, not to mention my own. I could go on forever with examples as to why what we decide to do or not do can play a major role in someone else’s life. If you look at your life, can you find an example of how a decision that you made effected someone else? Can you find an example of how a decision that someone else made played a factor in where you are today? We can even look at past relationships and see that the decision to move on or their decision to move on allowed you and/or them to find someone who better fulfills their needs.

You, me and others in your life aren’t just connected because of our spiritual energy, we are connected to one another based on decisions that were made years ago that are now coming to fruition.. Every choice that we make has the potential to literally change someone else’s life including our own and that’s powerful and yet, also a little scary. A simple decision to be kind to someone may be enough of a gesture to change the perspective of the person who feels unloved, preventing them from committing suicide who then goes on to create a product that changes the world.

It’s important to remember that what we often go through that we define as “bad” is most often the event that allows you to change your life for the better or in another way. It’s an opportunity to alter your life in a new way. It’s a way to create a new wrinkle on your timeline, to literally change your destiny. It isn’t always a bad thing when things happen to us that causes temporary pain. Of course, let us not be naive into believing that all decisions that are made end up being positive. We know this to be false by examining other area’s of our lives that we may be currently struggling with. But, what if we simply missed the opportunity to change what we saw as bad into good? What if you failed to see where you could change your life based on someone else’s decision? This is still the butterfly effect because we are creating  a small change in the initial “human-system” from what the end result was estimated to be.

It’s not possible to consciously know which minute changes that we make end up changing the larger scale of someone else’s life in the future but it can be very empowering to know that we truly do have the power to change the world. You have the power within your life to change the world that you currently live and you don’t have to be a politician,  lawyer, doctor or scientist to accomplish this. Do you want to be a life changer, a world changer?  Know that you already are and simply do your best to make positive changes that could be the domino effect that is needed. The coolest thing about understanding this theory is that even when we or others make decisions that we think will harm someone else (sometimes we do this intentionally) that it’s still up to the person being affected to choose the next step. We all are connected friend and in more ways than you may understand in this moment. Knowing this connection, isn’t it extremely important to remember to do unto others as you would want done unto you?

Look over your life and think about what small changes have happened that changed the system and changed you and then think about what decisions you can make going forward that may do the same for someone else. We all have a place in this system of life that we exist in and each and every last one of us have responsibilities to those who came before us, to those existing now and to those who come in the future now to be the butterfly who changes the tornado.

 “It used to be thought that the events that changed the world were things like big bombs, maniac politicians, huge earthquakes, or vast population movements, but it has now been realized that this is a very old-fashioned view held by people totally out of touch with modern thought. The things that really change the world, according to Chaos theory, are the tiny things. A butterfly flaps its wings in the Amazonian jungle, and subsequently a storm ravages half of Europe.”
Neil Gaiman, Good Omens: The Nice and Accurate Prophecies of Agnes Nutter, Witch

I’m Different

2 Chainz voice- “I’m different yeah I’m different, I’m different yeah I’m different” and while I’ve never pulled up to the scene with my ceiling missing I do have my middle finger up to my competition….or those who see my difference and whisper.

Metaphorically speaking I exist in a place socially that’s similar to a flower living deep within a rain forest. It’s hard to find, hard to understand how it exist among the tall trees that block its sun and even rarer to be surrounded by other like-minded flowers. This is where I am, perfectly fine looking up at the trees, existing mostly in my plot of soil and giving oxygen and life to those who happen to stumble across where I exist. I grow here, I live here and I drop seeds here to help continue the cycle before my time has passed. I can only hope that my presence in this forest helps push the male evolution forward.

I’m a heterosexual black male but I’m different from what society accepts as such. Truth is, I’ve never felt like I fit in with any particular demographic but it wasn’t from a lack of trying. Growing up and into my adult life I was cool but never cool enough, I was nerdy but not nerdy enough. I’ve been sexy but not sexy enough and I’ve been ugly but not ugly enough.

I’ve tried to be the Alpha male, I’ve tried to be the hardcore guy, I’ve tried to be the type of black man society says I should be. Honestly, I’ve tried to be homophobic, I’ve tried to be sexist, I’ve tried being a male hoe, I’ve tried being the good Christian guy, I’ve tried believing in the philosophy that women are lesser than men and I’ve tried being the token black guy. And you know what? Fuck that shit, it’s NOT ME.

Though I’m a proud black man who believes in black love, black families and loving black women I’ve often been told by other black people that I’m not black enough because of the way I speak or the way I carry myself. I’ve had white friends think that they’re more black than me because they wear a hat backwards and talk with slang that they’re more black than me. A failed belief that what you wear makes you something else other than what you actually are.

It’s been this way since I was a teenager and obviously because of the color of my skin I never really felt or feel I fit in with my white friends completely because even though they say they didn’t see color, they definitely saw my brown skin and see my brown skin and to a certain extent, judge me based on that. I’ve always felt like an outsider no matter how much I tried to fit in to society and that continues even today.

Maybe part of that is my fault because even though I’m naturally inquisitive about human beings and am always loving, respectful and friendly to those who’s lives I come across I don’t really let most people into my life and into my circle. I also don’t talk much about what’s going in my life and so when people don’t know you and don’t know what you’re doing, those who want to know are left to make up their own stories and beliefs about you . Which if we’re being honest is mostly based on whispers and lies that other people have told.

I’m different and even though I’ve always felt like an outsider for the majority of my entire life mostly everyone that knows me; loves being around me. It’s funny that someone like myself who often sits back and people watches at events is one of the most popular guys. I’m not trying to boost my own ego or toot my own horn but those who know me always want to be around me or says how cool as fuck Jay is. They love me, they respect me and they likely won’t say a bad word about me but they will say they “don’t know” and they’re likely to say “there’s something different about Jay” or that “I don’t know” whats up with him when people ask.

But who they see and get to be around is me and they do know MOST of me but because I don’t fit into any societal description of male structure of what they’ve been taught to think about a strong black male they refuse to accept me as it is and as I am. Who am I?

I have gay friends, I tell other men in my life that I love them, I compliment other men on their style and I hug other men because I truly believe that the world doesn’t tell men enough that they care for them and I know for a fact that men don’t tell other men they have brotherly love for them. I’m all about the empowerment of people but as a black man I’m definitely about the empowerment of black men and these actions are not always accepted as manly; which if you ask me is pretty ridiculous. To think that women are the only demographic that needs to hear and feel words of encouragement and love is to think that men are unemotional.

As I stated I’m a emotionally balanced guy, I dress fairly well, I keep my physical appearance nice, I get my feet done, I’m not homophobic, I support the LGBT community, I cry sometimes, I’m in touch with my emotions, I’m not aggressive with women, I openly admit that I don’t always have the most confidence and I don’t yell when I’m having a disagreement.

I’m transparent with my life beliefs, I’m not a religious person, I believe women can be sexually free as men, I’m sexually open with the women I sleep with, I talk mostly proper, I’m quiet but strongly opinionated, I stand strong in my core beliefs, I’m intelligent, I’m genuinely a nice guy, I do things that black people “aren’t supposed to do” and I’m metrosexual. All of these things mentioned makes certain types of people,in certain types of demographics uncomfortable and though they’ll never admit it publicly they know they need to do better at expanding the life they know and live.

All of this isn’t “supposed” to be included in one man, especially a straight black man but this is part of who I am and this who I give to people every day, every get together and every person who really wants to know me. But I wasn’t always this guy and I get why it confuses people and why some people confuse this type of male with being gay, ESPECIALLY when they don’t know any. Everything they’ve learned has taught them that men think a certain way and that men act a certain way.

I was taught this too and it’s part of why it took me so long to be comfortable in my own skin. It’s part of why the majority of you aren’t comfortable with men capable of balancing the masculine with the small percentage of their feminine side. In truth we all (men and women) have them both but we suppress them because it’s “not what men do” or it’s not ” what women do”. Did you know that men and women practically have about 20,000 genes alike? And the only major difference is that men have X and Y chromosomes and women have two X chromosomes? Read more The Difference Between Men and Women

It’s not easy breaking from what you’ve been taught and I was confused about who I was as well for a while in my 20’s but I’m 100% certain that this is who I am and I love it. I love the skin that I’m in, I love the man that I am and I love the man I’ve become even if it makes me feel like I don’t fit in. Anyone that truly knows me knows that I don’t want to fit the mold of anything. Not even for myself. I want to always break the mold and challenge myself to be greater than the person I was a decade ago.

Still; it doesn’t stop the frustration from building up when you catch wind of what people say about you. Even in a spiritually conscious person who knows not to place value in the words of people who don’t matter to you such as myself, it can still create energy within you that frustrates you. Trust these next words; I’ve learned that there’s no amount of women you can sleep with and brag about sleeping with that will stop people from believing what they want if your lifestyle is different from theirs.

Similarly there’s nothing you can do to change the opinion someone has of you if they don’t really want to change their opinion of you. That’s why it’s important for all of us to live our best life right now while we still can. I know that someone somewhere needs to read the words written in this article and when they do they’ll begin to stop hiding who they really are once they finish reading this. And someone somewhere who has a negative perspective about men similar to myself will read this article and realize that they need to do better on their perspective of what real men are.

There’s nothing wrong with being the norm and there’s nothing wrong with being different. Things just are the way they are and it’s up to us to stop trying to put everyone into the same criteria that we’ve placed our friends and ourselves in to. So please; stop trying to justify what people are based on your own experiences and to the reader who’s different and unsure about whether or not they should conform? DON’T!

Ralph Waldo Emerson said “To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment” and Maya Angelo said “If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be”and I’m saying the greatest thing you’ll ever want to be is the person unafraid to see their life’s contradictions and work tirelessly to become aligned with their soul.

I’m different and that’s more than okay and maybe in my next life I’ll be a mahogany tree that catches all the sunshine and who’s bark is as hard to the touch as my soul but until that rebirth I’m perfectly fine being a black flower blooming majesticly as fuck….

For The Birds

I tried monogamous dating and that shit’s for the birds.

Listen, for a very long time in my twenties I was the guy heavily involved in church who only dated one woman at a time, who wanted to date to get married and didn’t want to sleep around with multiple women. I was that guy who was a one woman man and I carried those diabolical characteristics with me until I was about twenty-four years of age. And truth be told; for the most part, no, for the whole part I was to blame for why all of my early adult relationships didn’t work out. I was a completely selfish individual and by selfish I mean leaving my girl’s birthday party early without telling her because I was uncomfortable. Don’t judge me, I had issues.

Anyway, somewhere between leaving religion and finally getting my nasty freak on, my dating philosophies changed from focusing on one woman to dating multiple women at a time until I found someone worthy enough and capable enough to handle my perspective on life. And by worthy I mean big ass and pretty face and by handle my perspective I mean not threaten to kill me when they’re mad at me…don’t judge me. My taste in women had to mature dammit.

By the age of thirty I had finally found the happy median of not dating too few women and not dating too many women. For me, that number settled on three women at the most and two women at the least while only sleeping with one other woman(FWB) outside of those women. Sounds complicated I know but being able to compartmentalize the situation fixed a lot of issues. And let’s be real, most people aren’t capable of having sex and not letting it cloud the dating situation they’re in.

Sex for most people complicates things but having sex is not the issue, not communicating how your feelings have changed after sex gets involved is the issue. So, I removed sex from the equation with the women I was dating and if I ended up having sex with one of those two to three women, I wouldn’t have sex with anyone else.

This was my happy place but a funny thing happens when you find yourself single and actually trying to find someone and nothing is panning out. You start to listen to other people and their dating philosophies because clearly what you’re doing is not working.  And a lot of my friends (both male and female) were saying that only dating one person at a time, with all your focus on that one person is the better thing to do. Now, people smarter than I would have seen that their asses were single too but hey, a funny thing happens when you’re single….you listen to single ass people who too are throwing stuff against the wall seeing what sticks.

Now, I’ve had three relationships since I turned thirty with about one year in-between them all (I’m 37) and some would like to call me a serial dater but truth is they’re just too comfortable being single and I’ve actually been trying to find a life partner. You can’t find that by not dating and you can’t find that by not taking chances with people. I’d rather try to and it not work than to be single for five years with no sex ,being mad at the world and spending my time making memes about I’m single because I’d rather travel. No! You’re single because you’re scared but I digress.

In the 2nd half of 2017 I had the least amount of success that I’ve ever had in dating. Not only could I not find three women to actually date, I couldn’t even find one woman to actually date. I couldn’t even get pass the first date and to make matters worse the online dating scene has gotten 100 times worse. And by worse I mean, women thinking yes, no, maybe, idk is a conversation (throw the whole woman away) so getting to the first date was  basically dead in the water.

So after much deep reflection and listening to other people I decided that in 2018 I was going to focus on one woman at a time because you can’t keep doing the same thing and expect a different result right?  Right? Best believe I was definitely skeptical of this one person dating rule because if it worked so well; then why were there so many single women?(most of the people who told me to do this were women..I lied)

They would say things like when you focus all your energy on one person you can make better decisions regarding that person” or they would say “you aren’t distracted by other people so you won’t miss the red flags.  I say whether you’re dating a conglomerate of people or not,  you missing the red flags has nothing to do with the number of people but everything to do with your  bad choices in not learning from your mistakes. Side note; I need you to understand that when I decide to do something I’m one hundred percent in and so I was full throttle ahead on giving this monogamous dating thing another try and do you know what happened?

THE SAME SHIT THAT HAPPENED WHEN I DATED MULTIPLE WOMEN..LMAO

Monogamous Dating is for the birds because what people fail to realize is that it doesn’t matter whether you date one person or eight people if the person or people you date aren’t ready to make a decision on taking a chance with someone. You could be the next worse thing since Donald Trump or the next best thing since sliced bread and they’d still not take a chance on you.

With this knowledge I’d even argue that since dating is a number’s game and that timing is everything; that dating multiple people is in everyone’s best interest because it increases your odds of coming across the person worthy of your time and can handle your perspective on life quickest and by worthy I mean….nevermind.

Keeping it one hundred? You could text that person everyday, you could ask to see them every weekend, you could call them everyday and you can even kinda do the right thing by making yourself look available when they ask (I’ve done all this in 2018) and you’ll still find yourself binge watching Bosch on Friday night while shopping for shit you don’t need on amazon prime for stuff you don’t need all because you’re single as fuck and ain’t nobody showing you what that mouth do.

But that’s not your fault if you’re actually out there trying and you should pat yourself on the back for actually giving a fuck about your love life but just know that whether you date just one person or many, it’s not what you do that makes the difference, it’s what they choose to do that does. The greatest deciding factor regarding whether you end up in a relationship or you don’t is if they’re in a place to take a chance on you. Also, if you aren’t in a place to take a chance on someone then either tell the people you’re dating the truth, let people just smash or get out of the way. Because contrary to popular belief, wasting people’s time in 2018 is NOT the thing to do.

So I’m going back to dating multiple women until one woman shows me she’s ready to take a chance and you can keep dating one person at a time if that’s your cup of tea but don’t tell me one works better than the other because it doesn’t, at least not in modern day dating. Everyone has options and nobody wants to cut any of these so called options off even if these options don’t want them. It’s weird, people would rather hold on to the weaker links than to grab hold of the strongest one even though it’s proven that sometimes you have to go with less in order to get more.

Anyway, no point in being angry birds about it; I’m just saying monogamous dating in the intial stages of dating is for the birds but hell; maybe so is polygamist dating (serial dater) but I want to be clear. I’m not talking about cheating and I’m talking about being in a relationship with mutliple people at once with their blessing (though that might be the way to go), I’m just talking about casual dating in the initial stages of dating. Anyway, before I bid adieu here are some reasons why it doesn’t matter whether you monogamously date or be a serial dater and why you should give zero Fucks about the process…just date and hope someone is ready to take a chance on your crazy ass.. 🙂

Top 12 reasons why how many people you date doesn’t matter if you’re trying to find love

  1. They’re just not into you
  2. They’re not ready for anything serious
  3. They like someone else more than you and you’re option 2,3,4,5,6…..
  4. They’re playing the game
  5. They’re playing hard to get
  6. You’re the Friend with Benefits and don’t know it
  7. The timing is bad
  8. You’re the sidechick/dude and don’t know it
  9. They’re married
  10. They’re a hoe and don’t know it
  11. You’re a hoe and don’t know it (oops)
  12. They or you have unrealistic expectations

Anyway…at least there’s this>>>>For The Birds

“Dating is like trying to make a meal out of leftovers. Some leftovers actually get better when they’ve had a little time to mature. But others should be thrown out right away, No matter how you try to warm them up, they’re never as good as when they were new.”
― Lisa KleypasSugar Daddy

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For the love of…Love

savonne (4)

Those fables didn’t speak of the wind between her coils.

Nor the kinks that made you squint a little harder because that shine…that shine is moonbeams and sun rays. Illuminated essence gifting warmth on those snow days, a sensational presence. Nothing less. Relinquishing greedy hearts and cold hands insatiable and abreast.

That glow is ineffable as it penetrates. Magnetizing your being you had no inkling that love…love was equivalent to a kill switch. Saving you from the detriment determined to birth you renewed. They never sung hymns of warning solely those foretelling of her glory and the aftermath of a reconstruction.

They did not speak.

Not of the thunder in her eyes or the terrain equipped to match. That causes earthquakes within the foundations you deemed stable because you, you had strengthened your back sifting through bagged sands of time. Disbelief reeking from your bruised pride longing for a cautioned whisper so that you may ready and bleach your white flags.

It’s your reality and you damn sure weren’t prepared. For the masked cracks to turn to ash when she set your world ablaze. Don’t you see? Love…It’s an infinite being. Wailing a laughter so loud it makes your own insides hurt. Crying so many rivers mother nature herself is a representation of devoted gratitude.

Did you ever think you would see the day? Where you would stand in all of your naive conclusions that have since left to rot. I’m willing to make a bet and I’d do so on her shooting stars resting assured in her surety that you didn’t see this coming.

She arrives bearing witness, tested and tried true. Wisdom birthed from the spaces in-between a fusing of what’s attuned. Love is limitless, even. Recognizing that it’s so much to bare all on own, it’s easy to understand why she always feels like a home. When the waves are coming, flowing, thrashing high and then slow.

Love.

Love shows up.

Continuously.

Passionately.

 

Monsters in Bed: Monster Mistakes

If you read my last blog, we talked about the monster “enough” and how I deal with it through a process of healthy habits that develop pride. The pride of progressing or working towards where I want to be is truly uplifting in terms of answering the question of if I am enough. For me and maybe for you too, the next thing that often comes up in my mind is my past. The mistakes I have made in my past absolutely have the ability to halt my progress or take me off of my plan of where I want to be if I do not address them properly.

Mistakes are a big part of my life. I consider myself somebody who makes a lot of mistakes. I have been a liar, a cheater, a thief, a drug addict, and probably anything else you can think of. My mistakes have cost me dearly. It is something that has caused pain to my family, my friends, and at some points of my life, anybody that chose to be around me. I try to not let them control me, but they are lessons that will always be with me.

A lot of dealing with my mistakes has to do with forgiveness. A few years ago, I began exercises dealing with me trying to forgive people who have wronged me. I don’t consider myself somebody who holds many grudges, but there are a few. I went through these practices of simply trying to see it through other people’s eyes and finding reasoning for what people did to me. After that practice, it usually is easier to forgive. Once I do forgive those people, it does not have any more power over me and I can move on. I don’t forget, but just chalk it up as a lesson learned.

However, when I began to think about forgiving myself it was a completely different beast. Even with the insight I had on why I did the things I did, they still weighed heavy on me. I expect more from myself. My process to get past this came to me after the biggest series of mistakes of my life. After three years of marriage, I chose to have a series of affairs on my ex-wife that ultimately led to the destruction of my family. When I decided to confront the mistakes and tell my ex-wife anything and everything I had done wrong in the marriage, it was life shattering. My ex-wife was destroyed by it, my family was destroyed, and I had no excuses or lies left that could get me out of it. Everything I thought I was as a person was gone. The pride I had in my upbringing and character was gone. There was no escaping the fact I lied and cheated on my ex-wife.

The journey after that was something that changed the core of my soul. I had to look at everything and truly figure out a way to learn from it and grow. I had to teach my kids there is a good man behind my mistakes. I began counseling, exploring religion, and anything else I could think of to change my ways. Through it, I began a process of forgiving myself not just for this mistake, but for everything. I began to look at my life as a whole. I reached out to people I cared about, but mostly retreated to my shell and just tried to put one foot in front of the other.

I started a process of writing letters to myself. They varied on topic, but I tried to look at how I forgave other people and the things I would say to them if I was writing them letters of forgiveness. I have one letter in particular that stands out in my memory that felt like a breakthrough to me.  The letter basically just said that I understood. I understood, it can’t be changed and that if I could take it back I would. The only thing I could do to change was focus on my next step. Hindsight is always 20/20 and if we could just go back and fix our mistakes we would never grow.  This revelation was eye-opening to me. I began to realize that I don’t have to be this person anymore. I faced the mistakes, I faced the consequences, and I could use the pain I caused to drive me or I could let it destroy me. The experience gave me the courage to say to myself that it was over. I forgave myself, and now I could move forward and be whoever I want to be.  I didn’t have to be that mistake anymore.

I can’t forget what I did to my family, but I can take pride in my response to the situation. The lowest point in my life changed me for the better at a time where it could have gone either way. So, when I start dwelling on my mistakes I can simply understand that I have been there before and I am still here fighting. I can use the missteps and move forward. One of my favorite motivational speakers is a man named Les Brown who has a saying that says “make sure when you fall you land on your back, because if you can look up you can get up”. I truly believe I can overcome any of my mistakes because of this lesson. I may have some consequences I have to be face, but that is part of it. Face them, grow, and move on.

So, when the mistakes of my past come to me and try to stop my progress, all I have to do is understand that it was in my past because I left it there. I beat it before and I can beat it again. It becomes a process of remembering that I am still here because I have stood on each of my mistakes and grown. I have used the weight of my mistakes and become a stronger man. I start to believe in my strength and believe that I can be whoever I want to be. There is nothing I have done that has stopped me yet, so why not make my future whatever I want?

Is there a mistake that is in your past that holds you back from being what you want to be? Did you face it? Did you suffer the consequences? Are you still here? You are tougher than you imagine and I challenge you to forgive yourself and understand you can let go of those mistakes. There is not a perfect person on this planet. Mistakes are a part of life. If you can live with that you can use your experience, as humans have done since the beginning of existence, and grow. You don’t want to be a liar? Tell the truth. You don’t want to be lazy? Do something. You want to be better at something? Work at it. Know that you determine what you are. People can hang onto your mistakes if they want, but you have the ability to move on and make positive changes regardless of other’s opinions of you. You can do whatever you set your mind on, don’t listen to those monsters that try to stop your progress and keep you from growing. Just learn from mistakes, face consequences, let go, and keep moving forward.